_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #43 | X X | | \ / | Special Compilation Issue | |oo| | | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ All New Editorial This issue is full of reasonably humourous bits from Dead Pig. Enjoy! But first, a word from the Dead Pig himself, Bruce: 'Like sands through the hour glass, I live in a small glass container.' --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Short Quiz on Dead Pig. (Guess the missing letters) 1) Dead P_g 2) De_d Pig 3) Dead Pi_ 4) _ead Pig Answers: 1)Dead Pug 2)Deud Pig 3)Dead Piz 4)Head Pig Next, a piece containg many words of wisedom: WISEDOM Wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom bananas wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom --------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAD PIG on CHEESE Hello. Sam and Dylan have asked me to review cheese this week, for obvious reasons. Actually, they're not that obvious. In fact, they are rather twisted and depraved. Ahem. Anyway, whatever. I think cheese is an extremely useful food. It has many, many, many uses. It's uses, when put into a numeric state, are many. For instance, you can eat it. Also, you can give cows the impression that they are good for something. You can use it in helpful expressions, such as 'like chalk and cheese', and 'don't look a gift cheese in the mouth'. Cheese has been around for a very long time. Ever since it was first invented, in fact. This is because it is a simple, yet tasty and healthy food. It contains some kind of stuff that helps your bones grow. Of course, this does me no good as, being a Dead Pig, my bones are rotting away like always, and no thickened cow piss is going to change that! But that's one of the disadvantages of being the Great Dead Pig. Anyway, in conclusion, I think cheese is a very worthwile substance, and you should get your friends to subscribe to Dead Pig Digest. We wish to thank the DEAD PIG research team for their excellent work on that article. And now, over to something more creative, a poem about the heroism of those who fought to defend their country in World War Two: There once was a sportsman from Wagga Wagga who wouldn't eat his weigh and curds So up came a man from Nantuckett and everywhere that the sportsmen went the sheep was sure say hello This sportsmen had a brother from Wagga Wagga everyone hated him because he had no earholes --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ____________________________ | {^^} | | DEAR DEAD PIG {vv} | The column where you send us letters and we |(aka Question time) | answer them, or we make up our own and answer | c/o Dead Pig | them, either way it's still ... letters! |__________________________| Dear Media Publication Please note - a bomb will be planted on a plane leaving New York sometime in the next 3 weeks. If the speed of the plane falls below 50 miles an hour, the plane blows up. Good luck, ha ha ha. -The Una Bomber P.S. Although I look like him, please assure everyone I am not, nor am I a close relative of "Weird Al" Yankovic. DP: Thank you Mr The Una, may I thank you for the time and effort that went into that nice wooden box you sent our letter in. It seems to also be a clock, but I can't find where it displays the time. Anyway, the nice ticking sound will relax me off to sleep tonight. Ha ha ha! Did you see that joke in there? You see, the implication was that the clock was not really a clock! Although the person writing the response thinks that it's a clock, we the audience are fully aware that it is, in fact, a clock. Oh, I said wrong. Dear Dead Pig You know how in the movie PREDATOR, there's a scene where the big Texan guy (Jessie Ventura) gets shot in the arm, and someone is about to call a medic, and he says "I ain't got TIME to bleed man" . . . Would this be a good name for a new brand of tampon???? DP: (answer deleted, not very funny) Dear Pig How big is a doorframe on Mars? DP: A little bit larger than a door on Mars. Here is a letter we received from Pus Sucker(what a lovely nick), in response to last weeks Dead Pig Thought for the Day. Dear Pig 'Don't worry! Tree's produce . . . (He waffles on for a bit.) . . . still leaves plenty of oxygen for all of earth's . . . (Again, he talks for a little while.) . . . as ninety percent of . . . (Blah blah blah.) DP: Well thank you for clearing that one up for us, Pus Sucker! here are some questions and answers from various readers: Q: When Anne will give me my cookies? A: I don't know. Perhaps this is a better question for Anne than me. Think about that one fo a while, I'm sure you'll see the light. Q: Should I start marketing a Triple SpamBurger??? i.e. 2 breads, one whole loaf of spam. A: No. Q: How do I stop my co-workers from absolutely whipping my arse whenever we play Battletech together? It's getting embarrasing. A: Okay, here's the plan: Practice really hard until you're good at this game, and eventually, after many years, you might be good enough to beat them. Q: Does Bruce have a problem with maggots? It seems that a Dead Pig would. A: Bruce does have maggots, but they're not a problem. In fact, he enjoys the feel of them writhing around inside his dripping flesh, especially when they get together and chew the fat behind his eyes. That tickles. Q: What is Bruce's opinion on gay's in the military? A: He doesn't mind gays in the military. Gays in the streets, that's another thing altogether . . . Q: I have a friend who's got a really itchy (scratch, scratch) venereal disease (scratch, scratch). Do you know of any quick (scratch) cures? A: Yes. Q: What happens when I pierce my friends head with a blunt object, such as the baseball bat I am currently holding. You see, I want to hit him, but thought it would be more fun to push it slowly through his face. So what would happen if I did such a thing? A: Everyone would get a good, clean laugh. (Hint: When pushing the bat through his face, try to force it up his nose for the messiest effect and the most pain.) Q: Has Bruce (the great one) any theories on people that undergo "spontaneous combustion"? A: Yep. They're screwed. Q: Have you driven a Ford lately? A: No. Not lately. I used to have one, a long time ago, but I stupidly used it as a getaway car, and so had to torch it when Dylan and I had to go about destroying evidence. Dear Advice Column There's someone I like at work, but I don't know if they like me. Should I kill him/her? -Confused DP: Violence is never a way to solve problems. It is fun though, ha ha haaaaaaa. Ahem, sorry, I get a bit carried away occasionally. Yes, yes, by all means kill him/her. Dear Sir/Madam Just a reminder that all purchases from our home shopping advertisements must be payed for. Currently you owe us for the following items: 1 Bath On A Rope $743.50 1 pair of Tiawanese-made Exercise Hats $49.95 2 copies of the video cassette "Ernest Goes Shopping" $99.95 1 Lose Weight Fast 1942 Britannica 24 Volume Encyclopedia $1000.45 1 12 CD set "The Swinging Decade - Best Of The 1240's" $74.50 1 "America's Funniest Kato" video cassette $1.50 Dear Dead Pig I am feeling depressed. I am twenty and have never had a real relationship with anyone. My mother and father ignored me most of the time. My sister got all the attention because she was an only child. My teachers weren't interested in my grades. My girlfriend only knows be by my pen name. The closest relationship I've ever had, to a living thing, is with my pet cat, Frig. I have a feeling he's only using me for my body, though. What should I do? -Gerald 'Notexistant' Bligh DP: Buy a gun. Next letter please. Dear Dead Pig -Johnny 'Notarealperson' Smithy DP: Well Johnny, next time you write us a letter, remember to include a letter. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A SHORT QUIZ Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant? A: A mutant. THE END --------------------------------------------------------------------------- SLIGHTLY LONGER QUIZ Q: What is it that you will get if you were to cross a kangaroo with an elephant? A: A mutant. THE END --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Them beanz is SUPERBEANZ! o o o o o o o o o o o o | o | o o o | o | | | | o| |o | BRUCE'S VIEW OF SCIENCE | | | o | A new column about Science, Technology |____| and the Supernatural |OBMW| |XPOS| |LAOK| \DOFW/ \__/ As I was pondering the NASA world wide web page the other day, I discovered that the equipment used by NASA to look for other life forms in outer space, in March this year picked up the following coded message from a radio signal from an unknown planet. HELLO HELLO US HELLO ALIENS HELLO FROM HELLO THE HELLO PLANET HELLO SUN HELLO WILL HELLO BE HELLO INVADING HELLO EARTH HELLO ON HELLO NOVEMBER HELLO 21ST HELLO 1995 HELLO AND HELLO WE HELLO WILL HELLO BE HELLO INVADING HELLO THE HELLO PLACE HELLO CURRENTLY HELLO KNOWN HELLO TO HELLO YOU HELLO EARTHLINGS HELLO AS HELLO THE HELLO PACIFIC HELLO OCEAN. HELLO PLEASE HELLO PREPARE HELLO THE HELLO SNAPPLE HELLO . The Nasa scientists have declared that there is no message contained with in the code and that it was probably just an echo of static. In other scientific news, time travel has been discovered. More on that last week. But for now, it's over to (Insert following article name here, but if you refuse to delete the text contained within these parentheses, I will be very mad Sam, but I know you will not do it anyway, because it is a funny joke. Hyuk hyuk ho ho haa haa). --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ "Hmmm... Snouty" Welcome to Snoutline, the news program with no inconsistzencesf. I'm your host, Bruce the Dead Pig. In news today, a man went psycho in a shopping mall, but unfortunately he didn't have a chainsaw. He only had a stapler, so the only casualty was a very old man who got staples in his eyes, ears, all over his face, and neck. He bled to death very slowly. Very very slowly. I have a recording of it on tape, if anyone wants a good laugh. In other news, a bus went of control, and crashed into a tree. None of the passengers were hurt, but the ten children who had built a treehouse in the tree fell out and cracked their heads on the pavement. They bleed to death. Very very slowly. I made a track of them calling weakly for their mummies as they died, if anyone out there is the mood for some light-hearted comic relief. Tonight on Snoutline, we discover that shoelaces cause cancer and later we declare war on a small eastern block country. But first, the news that is making headlines tonight: When Jeremy Loodle's friends found him unconscious with his head cracked open in three places after falling off his motorbike in the middle of the busy Pacific Highway last December, they thought he was dead. And they were right. Singer Tom Jones was injured in a concert in Los Angeles last night after an obsessed fan threw a three tonne tractor on the stage, breaking his left leg. Mr. Jones was quoted afterwards as saying "Oy, I think me leg's broken. Someone write me a song for me next album, and make sure the album cover shows more of me ugly old chest" News in briefs: 1) Trouble off the coast of Western Australia, as a giant pink sea serpent terrorises a town populated mainly by mental patients prone to group hysteria and hallucinations. No scientific confirmation as of yet. 2) A new kind of medicine has hit the market, so the market is bruised. Sorry about that apalling joke. 3) A new type of medicine has hit the market, which apparently cures colds, but has the unpleasant side effect and causing blocked sinuses, headaches and sneezing. 4) World War Two is over. Fans wait eagerly for the sequel. 5) After a pot party is held in Parliament House, a new law is passed by the government which bans all pinks igunanas from flying into the space/time vortex in the men's toilets. 6) A new type of toy plastic machine gun has been banned from the market, because it is found that it can prove hazardous to small children, if swallowed. 7) Women rally for their right to be treated as equals to men. Just humour them, guys. 8) Upcoming events on the DEAD PIG calender: September 1: Friday September 2: Day After Friday Day (forget what it's called) September 3: Spinach Day (show a spinach you care) September 4: The Day Before Banana Eve September 5: Banana Eve September 6: Spinach day (such a day only comes once a year) September 7: Day After Banana Day September 8: 100, 000 People Go Crazy After Attempting To Cook Their Family A Meal With Their Arms Tied Behind Their Back Day September 9: Spinach day (enjoy such a marvelous day, which only comes once a year) September 11: September The 10th Day Now it's over to a commercial break, we'll be back probably never. HOUSEWIFE: I can't seem to shift stains out my clothes, no matter how hard I try. COMMERCIAL GUY: Well Mrs. Acmeflood, it's your lucky day. Now washing clothes will be even easier with this marvelous new invention. It's called a "Washing Machine". HOUSEWIFE: Wow! Thank you Commercial Guy and thank you Washing Machine! COMMERCIAL GUY: Don't thank me, thank the wonders of modern science!!!!! HOUSEWIFE: Please don't use multiple exclamation marks around me. COMMERCIAL GUY: Sorry. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ASSORTED THOUGHTS If you prick me, dost I not punch thou lights out? Q: What's the difference between me and garbage? A: Garbage gets taken out twice a week. If you go skinny dipping, don't forget to wear some clothes so you don't get too cold Three possible slogans for Dead Pig: 1) Advanced pig!! Jigijig. 2) If you cut it THIS way, you get 3 quater pound burgers! Now that's value. 3) I need more AIR in my hair. Sadness spreads like a disease. A disease also spreads like a disease. Robots have feelings too. If apples tasted like burnt poo, would people still enjoy eating them so much? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Join us last week for another compilation issue of the "Best" Of Dead Pig! __DEAD PIG LINKS___ DEAD PIG ONLINE ISSUE (#39): http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/pig/ (please go to it, it is very funny!) OFFICIAL DEAD WEB PAGE: (includes unreleased material, other neat stuff) Australia: http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/ Rest of the world: http://www.safari.net/~sky/deadpig OTHER DEAD PIG WEB PAGES: (includes back issues) IN AUSTRALIA: http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan/ IN EUROPE: http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ IN NORTH AMERICA: http://www.safari.net/~sky/ (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html DYLAN'S ONLINE ALBUMS which are normally located at http://uuscss.cs.su.oz.au/~dylan_b/album/dum.html are unavailable until further notice. Sorry. This document is Copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you wish to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. If you don't want to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading DON'T SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. However, we promise that if you do join, you won't regret it.* *Possibly untrue -------------------------------------------------------------------------