_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #43 | X X | | \ / | Special Compilation Issue | |oo| | | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ All New Editorial Welcome readers to another issue of Dead Pig Digest. Over the almost two years we've been doing Dead Pig, we have had several requests (i.e. one) for us to do an issue compiling together all the best bits from our 42 issue run. So everyone here got drunk at the Christmas party and randomly selected a couple of articles from a hat. And the results are contained within this issue and a couple more that will be sent out soon. While we take a well deserved break :) you can sit back and enjoy all these classic moments. Like when I built that airplane out of a barrel and I escaped from that prison using only a length of rope and my pocket knife. Wait... sorry, that was MacGyver. Anyway, this issue, although the material has been printed previosuly, it still guarantees* to be classic Dead Pig Humour at it's finest. *not a guarantee ------------------------------------------------------------------------- PUBLIC HEALTH ANNOUNCEMENT How to resusitate someone: Step (1) Check to see if the victime is breathing Step (2) Do NOT insert a banana in their mouth Step (3) If the victim is not breathing, panic Step (4) Try to remember all the stuff you learnt in Health Studies at school Step (5) Do NOT pelt victim with bananas Step (6) Roll victim on their side Step (7) Make sure their airway is clear Step (8) Do NOT block their airway with a banana Step (9) Call an ambulance Step (10) In the meanwhile, do NOT attempt to forcefeed the victim bananas Step (11) Make sure the victim is taken to hospital Step (12) Eat a banana. You've earned it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- A DEAD PIG EXCLUSIVE - an interview with Johnny Dum-Man Us: Who are you? JD: Johnny Dum-Man Us: Tell us about yourself, Johnny JD: No Us: Thanks for your time. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Johnny Dum-Man. Good day, I'm an interviewer. Ha ha! And that 'interviewer' was our very own Dylan Behan. If you have comments on that interview, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading HELLO BOO HOO I'M A DORK SPUDS AND IT ONE YES BYE BYE SCRUB-A-DUB-DUB. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- BRUCE'S LITERATURE REVIEW |\ /| | \ / | THIS WEEK'S PIECE OF LITERATURE: | \/ | The Ryde District Bus Timetable | a | (for routes 500, X00, 501, X01, 508 and 510) | book | Published by State Transit \ / \__/ Yes, this is one of the most outstanding Bus Timetables I have read in quite a while. In brings back memories of all the other bus timetables I have read in my life, such as the 431, 432 and 433 Glebe Routes, 1994. And yet, it retains individualistic qualities. Although the times commenced in September last year, it is one of the most up to date timetables you can get. This one services Pyrmont, Rozelle, Drummoyne, Gladesville, Ryde, West Ryde, North Ryde and Sydney City. If you don't know where any of these places are, don't worry, you can look at the enclosed map and understand all the jargon instantly. Yes, this outstanding time table covers Monday through to Friday, as well as Saturdays and Sundays, and as a special bonus it also includes public holidays such as Christmas at no extra charge. This bus timetable is a must have if you catch the 500, X00, 501, XO1, 508 or 501 buses on a regular or not so regular basis. Available from most bus interchanges free of charge. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- MR WONG A Tv Miniseries Scene: Mr Wong is in the kitchen cooking Man: Mr Wong, what are you cooking? Mr Wong: Your wife. Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Scene: Mr Wong is in the bathroom, washing his hands Man: Gee, Mr Wong, why are you washing your hands? Mr Wong: Because I have just murdered the cat. Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Scene: Mr Wong is sitting at the back of a rave party. Man: What on special tonight Mr Wong? Mr Wong: Well, it's a new designer drug just hitting the streets from Bangkok. Man: What is it Mr Wong? Mr Wong: The rotting corpse of your mother Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Scene: Mr Wong is in a resteraunt eating with his wife. Man: Gee Mr Wong and Mrs Wong I didn't expect to see you eating out on a Monday night. Mr Wong: It's a very special occasion. Man: What's that Mr. Wong? Mr Wong: We have just beheaded the last of my wife's family. Everyone: Ha ha ha ha ha! (Mr and Mrs Wong toast champagne glasses.) Scene: Mr Wong is looking at the road. Man: Gee Mr Wong, why are you looking at the road? Mr Wong: I'm waiting for someone to drive over the land mine I planted. Man: Why? Mr Wong: Because then they will blow up and die. Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Scene: Man knocking on toilet door. Sound of small child: Ow! Ow! Ow! Man: Gee Mr Wong, why are you taking so long in there? Mr Wong: I'm carving up a small child. Man: Well hurry up, I've gotta use the toilet! Mr Wong: Okay, I'll get out when I've finished on these eyeballs. Sound of small child: Ow! Ow! Ow! Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Scene: Mr Wong is dragging a garbage bag down the road. Man: Gee Mr Wong, what's in that garbage bag? Mr Wong: Old newsapapers. Man: That's not very funny. Scene: Mr Smith is walking along the street. Man: Gee Mr Smith, where are you doing tonight? Mr Smith: I'm going to play bingo at my local church. Man: Okay, have a nice time. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ ÆÆÆ Attack of Big Dog ÆÆÆÆ ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ Æ The column whose title Æ Æ sounds interesting but Æ Æ delivers very little...Æ ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ On "Attack of Big Dog" this week we reveal the five Mexican dishes officially rejected by the manager of "Rancho El Foodo" Mexican Restaurant after their chef suggested they add them to the menu. 1) Tortilla del Amigos Your closest friends are fried and served in a soft corn bread. 2) Taco del Taco A Taco with another taco inside. 3) Burrito a la saliva A Burrito which the chef himself spat in. 4) Chilli Con Alley Surprise A Mexican style stew containing pinto beans, tomatoes and whatever the chef found in the alley. 5) Nachos del muchos rancho Corn chips served with a dip which contains many things taken from local construction sites. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- NICE POEM Note: The following poem is rated MA(Mature Audiences of 15+) for it contains graphic descriptions of acts of violence, hetero/gay sex, drug use, animal copulation, necrophilia, child abuse, high level coarse language, adult themes and toilet humour ... There once was a guy called Dan Who was a very, very nice man Until one day On the seventh of May He kicked in the head of his mother, screwed his girlfriend, screwed his best friend Frank, injected some herion into his arm with a needle, committed bestiality with his chihuaha, went to the graveyard and dug up a dead person who he slept with, smacked about the young children in the kindergarten, said 'Fuck!', dabbled in politics and then did a big smelly fart. THE END APOLOGY: We apologise for the highly offensive line in that poem, 'Until one day'. If anyone out there was offended by that line, please tell us, as we cannot change ourselves to suit you if people do not give us feedback. On the other hand, get stuffed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Advertisement.... New from S&M records... ____________________________ | Australia's Funniest Home | | Video Show | | | | THE SOUNDTRACK ALBUM!!! | |___________________________| All your favourite funny home video moments in full stereo, on one compact disc or cassette. Includes such favourites as: "Look Mum, no hands!" "Be careful up on that ladder!" "Oh, what a cute little dog" "Watch me drive over this hill!" "Cat got your tongue?" "Hey Dad, catch!" "I didn't mean to kick you in the head" and many more! Buy it right now, and everytime you listen to it, you will laugh yourselves silly GUARANTEED! --- To order call 1-800-Pay-too-much --- Is your nose clogged? Is your throat sore? Are you constantly coughing? Do you have a runny nose? Are your eyes itchy? Are your bowels green? Do your limbs fall off? Is your brain swelling? Is your kidney down at the pub drinking without you? If the answer is yes, we suggest you see a doctor, you are ill. NEXT AD: MAN: I couldn't tell my boss I didn't feel like going to work today because I'm constipated. Hang on, yes I could've. ANNOUNCER: Stuff Metamucil, have a sickie --------------------------------------------------------------------------- BRUCE, THE DEAD PIG'S Standup Jokes For Saying Down At The Pub Good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Mr Poo Poo. (Pause for laughter) I want to start the evening off with a few jokes. Hey, that's the second time I've said the word 'evening' since I started. (Pause for laughter) Now for my impression of a man saying hello to his friend Bert . . . Hi Bert. (Pause for laughter) Haha! Aren't I funny? (Everybody shouts out 'yes') I'm funnier than an ant, aren't I? (Pause for laughter) And ants are not funny, and if one was, no one would know, cause he couldn't talk! (Pause for laughter) Speaking of talking, I like to talk. I once talked so long my jaw fell off. (Pause for laughter) My cat was so sick, I had to take him to the vet. The vet said he had cancer and put him down. (Pause for laughter) My canary fell out of it's cage. (Pause for laughter) Now I want to talk about more serious matters . . . not really! (Pause for laughter) The other day I went to the doctor, and I didn't wasn't even sick! (Pause for laughter) During breakfast this morning I spilt the milk on the table, but that was alright because it was evaporated milk. (Pause for laughter) I hate brushing my teeth, so the other night I made an invention which doesn't brush your teeth. (Pause for laughter) My dog got run over by another dog . . . in a car! (Pause for laughter) Thank you for your time, I am Mr Poo Poo! (Bow, and if you are male, try to avoid all the bras and knickers that will get thrown on the stage. If you are female, watch out for whatever hunks wear.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAD PIG INTERVIEWS.... This week we have a transcript from our interview Matthew Snotinmyface, a five year old child genius who claims to have broken the laws of time and space, discovered and translated the Rosetta Stone, developed a new synthetic plastic called "Wahha-he-haw polymer", halted the gradual leaning of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and painted a picture of his house using crayons. Us: So, tell us Mr. Snotinmyface, how long did it take you to draw this lovely picture of your house? Him: Errr, I dunno Us: Well, it contains such detail. I just mean look at this picture. I think I can make out a window on the house, or is it a door? No hang on, that is the house. My mistake. Him: I'm hungry. Can I go now? Us: No. Now, tell me about your other most remarkable projects. Him: I drawed a picture of a elephant. Us: Yes, so I can see. Gee, look at that. It even appears to have a trunk. Like a real elephant. It's incredible. Him: No silly, that's my picture of daddy. Us: Wooooohhhh, whoops. Well, he must have an awfully big nose. Him: I wanna go home. Us: Well, thanks for this interview Mr. Snotinmyface. Any closing remarks. Him: Yes. (pause) Us: And what's that? Him: I wanna go home. Us: Yes, that was our interview with Matthew Snotinmyface, and just from what I have seen today, I hope that the children of the next generation will be better than this loser. Errr, oops. Can we edit that out? Technician: Yeah Us: Phew Technician: (whispers) But I'm not going to. Us: What was that? Technician: I just said, errr, peace may finally come to the former Czech republic. Us: Yeah, well that's what we are all hoping for. Not that I care, though. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAD PIG: a six issue retrospective: Well, what a fantastic number six is. Six has occured many times in history as a sign of great achievement. The first Walt Disney full length animated feature: Snow white and the six dwarves. The number of bottles of coke sold before the seventh: six. Number of people that went and saw the movie Police Academy 7: 6. The last star trek movie to feature spock: Star Trek 6. Number of days in a week: 6. As you can see, six is _the_ most significant number in the world, so what better way for DEAD PIG to celebrate it's sixth issue than with a best of the other 5 issues. Here are our favourite quotes from them. ISSUE 1: "I plead ffooz paadr fisakwona theopoyio zeezeish" - OJ Simpson (from our exclusive interview with him.) ISSUE 2: "I don't know what the problem is, Divine Brown is my sister" - Hugh Grant (from our exclusive interview with him.) ISSUE 3: "I hate kids! I wish they'd die, the greedy scum of the earth" - Santa Claus (from our exclusive interview with him.) ISSUE 4: "If dead pig is such a great religion, why haven't I heard of it?" - a reader "You shut up." - editor ISSUE 5: Here's an extract from our exclusive interview with American speaker of the House of Representatives (something to do with politics), Newt Gingriech. US: Hello. Newt: Hello. US: You fat. ISSUE 6: "Nuclear Weapons? What's that? Dum-dum-dum-de-de-dum-da" - Jacque Sherak, French President (from our exclusive interview with him.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- _______________ / \ / R. I. P. \ | | | | THIS WEEK: Bruce attempts to | BRUCE's | tell your future | HORROR | in his horrorscope. | SCOPE | | | | | First of all, I would like to make a brief note. The signs of the zodiac of which you might have been previously aware, are completely false, and to believe or follow them is an act of blasphemy towards the Dead Pig. This horror scope features the real star signs. Johnny the Anoerexic Bull (January 1st - February 12th) Your stars tell me that there is dense cloud cover and I cannot see them. Expect light patchy rain for the next few days. Victor, the Talking Caterpillar (February 13th - February 30th) Victor tells me of half price movie tickets if you are aged under 16. I see this as an opportunity to see twice as many movies if you are a child. Your parents die this week. Morris the Egyptian Resteraunter (March 1st - October 18th) As the largest star sign in the part of the sky which no one bothers looking at, Morrisites this week will probably eat or sleep not as much or too much than they think they should. Beware the speeding van of death. Tim Shaw the Human Infomercial (October 19th) You have a natural abiltiy for breathing. Don't fail to exercise the gift, or you may one day lose it. Brian Fuggerty, the Saucepan (October 20th - November 22nd) Don't cook fried eggs too long, or they will Stick to Mr. Fuggerty. If you die this week, you will no longer be alive. Easter Bunny (November 23rd - December 24th) It is not Easter this week, so try to achieve the life long goals of other people and then tease them about it. Santa Claus (December 25th) This week you meet your true love. However, he/she is married to a bus seat. Don't try to break up this relationship though. He/she will eventually realise exactly how compatible you are, but unfortunatley you will have already died of brain failure. Zonny the Suicidal Chimp (December 26th - December 31st) Zonny has not yet suceeded in killing himself since we confiscated his razor and tied him to a tree. If you do not tie yourself to a tree, you will arrested for fraudulent vegetable activities. Alan Smith the Failed Business Executive Who Dresses Up Like a Clown (Tuesday) If you were born on a tuesday, you deserve something more than a dead road kill cat for your birthday. Thank you very much Bruce, for taking the time out of your empty schedule to bring us this helpful and accurate horror scope. Everyone pray a thank you to Bruce tonight. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Join us next week for another compilation issue of the "Best" Of Dead Pig! __DEAD PIG LINKS___ DEAD PIG ONLINE ISSUE (#39): http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/pig/ (please go to it, it is very funny!) OFFICIAL DEAD WEB PAGE: (includes unreleased material, other neat stuff) Australia: http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/ Rest of the world: http://www.safari.net/~sky/deadpig OTHER DEAD PIG WEB PAGES: (includes back issues) IN AUSTRALIA: http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan/ IN EUROPE: http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ IN NORTH AMERICA: http://www.safari.net/~sky/ (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html DYLAN'S ONLINE ALBUMS which are normally located at http://uuscss.cs.su.oz.au/~dylan_b/album/dum.html are unavailable until further notice. Sorry. This document is Copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you wish to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. If you don't want to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading DON'T SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. However, we promise that if you do join, you won't regret it.* *Possibly untrue -------------------------------------------------------------------------