_______ / \ / /--() / / Dead Pig Digest #42 /______\ /--------\ | | Dead Pig Thought of the Day: | X X | This year we are celebrating Christmas after Christmas | \ / | so we can buy all our presents at the after Christmas | |oo| | sales... and save lots of money. Think about it! | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ In this issue: 1) Who Cares Welcome faithful readers to Dead Pig #42. With Christmas just around the corner we thought we'd join the "party", so to speak and bring you one of those lame Christmas issues full of trap. So to kick it off, a wise observation from me. I was informed the other day that Santa Claus was in fact a commercial invention of the Coca Cola Company earlier this century, and not a fat man who lives at the north pole like everyone thought. So, I thought about it for a while before it occured to me that I didn't care. Bruce, the Dead Pig, "Master of the Pork" is getting ready for the "silly season" himself. Why, he's in our living room covered with decorations and flashing lights, while presents pile up underneath. Or present, to be more exact. Yes, like many other people, we have neglected our Christmas shopping to the last minute. If you are like us, and you don't know what to buy your family and friends, here's our list that will hopefully give you some ideas. 1) My elder cousin, the computer programmer: A life 2) My 5 year old female cousin: Instead of just a Barbie Doll, why not give her a few bricks and a slab of tin, and she can build her own Barbie. 3) My 7 year old girl pilot sister: A tombstone 4) My brother who's a really famous actor, making lots of money, flying around the world and dating lots of actresses and supermodels: A ticket on Valujet airlines 5) My dad, Martin Bryant (the Tasmanian Port Arthur shooter): A wacky t-shirt saying "I didn't do it!" 6) My uncle, Boris Yeltsin: Vodka and a book called "How to Dance", and haven't I run that joke into the ground! 7) My other uncle, the boat driver who plouged that frieghter into the shopping centre in New Orleans: A breath test 8) Grandpa: A lung 9) There was a Number 9, but we got rid of it because it wasn't funny. 10) Bruce, the wise Dead Pig: Now I don't mean to rude or sacriligious but, he really needs deodorant. The smell of rotting flesh can only be attractive for a short time. 11) My girlfriend: An imaginary present, for my imaginary friend. You know, imaginary presents are free, which saves me some more money! 12) My mother: A copy of my debut self titled book "How to not embarrass your son in 108 easy steps". 13) The Russians: Their back wages for the last 3 months --------------------------------------------------------------------------- WAYS TO KEEP BUSY AT "CHRISTMAS TIME" _-------X / |--|--| |Dyn | | a | | mite| | | |_____| Okay, what we find around Christmas is that people begin to get funny ideas into their heads about it being a time of happiness, joy and forgiveness. What this of course leads to is an excess of good will and cheer floating around in the air, which quite frankly, we at Dead Pig find to be cause for concern. The fact of the matter is that healthy factors of humankind such as greed, misery, pain and revenge. This leads to a serious unbalancing towards the more positive aspects of the holiday season, and we at Dead Pig have a number of practical and fun suggestions for maintaining the proper level of unhappiness, as it should be. 1) Blow up a department store Santa. (This can be achieved by coating his pants with chlorine and then dipping a child in a break fluid. When the two meet in Santas lap, KABLOOEY!) 2) "Borrow" the largest Christmas tree in your town. Use it for firewood. 3) Organise a combination reindeer petting zoo/venison restaurant. 4) Buy the world's supply of decorations. Burn them. Ha ha ha! (Expensive, but funny!) 5) Set up educational talks explaining that due to the melting of the polar ice caps, soon Santa will drown horribly, and there will be no more presents. Give out free spray cans containing CFC and say 'Get to work!' 6) Dress up as Santa. Walk around shouting profanities at children. 7) Kill children. 8) Kill puppies. 9) Kill. 10) Buy a steamroller and "spread" Christmas cheer. And now for other helpful suggestions we have an interview with Santa's evil Elf, who, to assure his protection from the jolly fat man himself, will remain anonymous. ELF: Hello DP: Hi. How are you? ELF: I'm Evil DP: Indeed. So ... you make toys for children in a secret workshop in the North Pole? ELF: Yep. DP: And that's evil? ELF: Well all I can say is, any child that wanted a train set this Christmas had better not use it in temperatures exceeding 35 degrees celcius or else! DP: Really? ELF: Yeah ... DP: Why? ELF: Because! They might get very hot using the train set! Ha ha ha ha ha! DP: And how are you going to spread your evilness around the North Pole this year? ELF: Well, I could say with a steamroller, but we've already used that joke. DP: Yes. We have. ELF: Yes. DP: So? ELF: With a steamroller. DP: Do you have a steamroller? ELF: In a sense. DP: In what sense? ELF: An imaginary sense. DP: Any messages for all the boys and girls out there? ELF: Yes, I was talking to Santa and this year all the naughty children get the presents, because they've had it rough these last few years. DP: Is that so? ELF: Goodbye. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ____________________________ | {^^} | | DEAR DEAD PIG {vv} | The column where you send us letters and we |(aka Question time) | answer them, or we make up our own and answer | c/o Dead Pig | them, either way it's still ... letters! |__________________________| Oy! Pig! How are youse guys celebratin' Christmas? -From Bazza n' Shane Dear Barold We are going to have a much deserved rest after the stress of putting out an issue of Dead Pig every week for the last year. Over the Christmas/New Years period we will be publishing "Best of" compilation issues of Dead Pig Digest in place of all new issues of Dead Pig, but they will be funny nonetheless. Ha ha! Dead Dear Pig Is Bruce good looking? -From L. Johnston Dear Lynda As far as Dead Pigs go, yes Bruce is very attractive. In fact, so much so that at the Christmas party one of our ancillary staff got really drunk and ... this story gets rather disgusting, so why don't we leave it right there. Dearest Pig Why must you poke fun at that girl pliot who crashed that plane killing herself? -From L. Trap Dear Lyndon Because her father who was in the plane when it crashed was an experienced pilot but refused to take over before the plane crashed because that would jepardise the world record the girl was trying to break. Isn't that funny. Huh? Huh? Isn't that funny? Death through stubborness is rather funny. I think that's funny. Ha Ha. Also, we're just really mean. Dear Pig Is there a Dead Pig Tv Show? -From O.J Simsonp Dear OJ We have filmed several pilots in our spare time and actually submitted some to the SBS TV network, with no response (Some of you may remember "Dear Mr. Wong"). But we actually have plans for a new Tv Show, focussing on the wackiest Roman Emperor of them all, Caligula. Here's the script of the first episode: -------------------------------------- the WACKY adventures of Gaius Caligula, the WACKIEST Roman Emporer of them all -------------------------------------- Scene 1: The Roman Banquet, during the day. Caligula: Hey you there, fast eater. Man: Yes. Caligula: Praetorship for you! Man: Why thank you, oh wise Caligula. (Caligula eats, pauses and then laughs) Attendant1: Why do you laugh, Emperor? Caligula: Because at the nod of my head I can have both of your throats cut. Isn't that right, Senator Horse. Horse: (Neigh) Caligula: Hey, attendant did you get those blind and physically deformed gladiators I asked for? Attendant1: Why yes sir but... Caligula: Good, then everyone to the amphitheatre. It's such a hot day, I think I will leave the amphitheatre open to the sun today, so all of Roman's citizens can get sunburnt and suffer from heat exhaustion. Isn't that a good idea? SenatorHorse: (Neigh) (end of Scene 1) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- _____________________________________________________________________ |_______________|_______________|_______________|_______________|____ | | BRUCE'S | THIS WEEK: | | | MOVIE | | | | | SUMMARY | | | | | A holiday round up | |_______________|_______________|_______________|_______________|____ _____________________________________________________________________ Yes with the Christmas holiday period upon us there are all sorts of new movies out for us to enjoy, and here is a brief summary of a few of them. JINGLE ALL THE WAY: Arnold Schwarzeneger (if that is his real name!) on a quest for a doll, which not surprisingly is a better actor than Arnie. 101 DALMATIONS: Disney has obviously not heard of the phrase "If it's not broke, don't fix it" SPACE JAM: Michael Jordon plays basketball (surprise surprise). His acting ability at it's greatest. STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT: The eigth Star Trek movie and Scotty still doesn't have enough power, Captain. ROMEO AND JULIET: The ad says "Shakespeare has never been so cool". I think that's the funniest joke I've heard in a while. DRAGONHEART: Like the movies, Dead Heart and Braveheart, the word Heart is in the title. That's all I know about this movie, apart from the fact that it's already on video in America. DAYLIGHT: Once again, Sylvester Stallone spends an hour and half trying to speak coherently in a fashion that can be understood by the audience. He fails, again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ___ /o o\ DEAD PIG APOLOGIES '-_|\ | W | / L \ #1 bad pictures |---| we are sorry \_.-*_/ \___/ p Here at Dead Pig, over the last year there are a few things we may accidentally spread some misonformation, or got certain facts wrong, but now is the chance, in the season of peace on earth and goodwill towards all, to confess our sins and continue our never ending quest for truth. * It has not yet been proved conclusively that MacDonalds food causes cancer. * Pauline Hanson is very much a racist: we apologise for insinuating that she has intelligent, well thought out opinions * Port Arthur gun man Martin Bryant is not a pacifist * My elderly teacher, named "Bag Bag" is not an old bag * I am neglecting my studies to do this worthless e-zine * The Pope is not a pedophile, however Santa Claus is still under investigation * Year 11 Maths will benefit me for the rest of my life. * This is a funny, well thought out, original idea. * English is an easy language too master. * Christmas was not orignally called "Hey-you-buy-stuff-at-my-shop" * The Easter Bunny does not have the Calici virus * If you kill your parents, you will not find tasty snack treats within * Self Mutilation is a fun, natural thing to do * Alcohol does make you more attractive to the opposite sex * Jeff Foxworthy is an entertaining, intellectually stimulating young fellow * The Cold War was not between the milk and the eggs in my fridge * Ray Martin does have hair (it's just not his) * The police are respectable, nice people. * So are bus drivers. * It turns out the world did not end on January 7th 1995 * The 5th Beatle is not Boutrous Boutrous-Ghali * The "Tickle Me Elmo" Doll is not promoting sexual promiscuity * The Goose-Step will not be a new sport at the 2000 olympics * Shaving the soles of your feet achieves very little * New Years Day is not September 32nd * The "One Armed" look is not the next big thing in fashion * Lollapalooza is not the annual conference of the member of the Nobel Prize Winners * School Uniforms do not allow for Individualism * Valujet is value for money, if you're after inexpensive death * Euthenasia is easy to spell * Blah? * Perhaps they do have a statue of Liberty on the Planet of the Apes * Ants do live in a supressed society ... ours * Caligula did not elect his horse to the Senate, he made it a Consul * Advertisers ALWAYS tell the truth * Dead Pig Online at http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/pig/ is very funny * We don't care if you and your family have a Merry Christmas or not * My plastic surgeon does not have a claw hand and is not named "Dr. Claw" * Inoucdjouacv is not a funny Canadian Place Name * Eating Donuts does not cure Cancer * CD's are not "records, only smaller" * If you drop your pants, I will not give you a dollar * I am out of ideas --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's about it for this issue. Remember, you and your family have a merry christmas. We mean it :) Have a nice time. __DEAD PIG LINKS___ DEAD PIG ONLINE ISSUE (#39): http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/pig/ OFFICIAL DEAD WEB PAGE: (includes unreleased material, other neat stuff) Australia: http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/ Rest of the world: http://www.safari.net/~sky/deadpig OTHER DEAD PIG WEB PAGES: (includes back issues) IN AUSTRALIA: http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan/ IN EUROPE: http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ IN NORTH AMERICA: http://www.safari.net/~sky/ (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html DYLAN'S ONLINE ALBUMS which are normally located at http://uuscss.cs.su.oz.au/~dylan_b/album/dum.html are unavailable until further notice. Sorry. This document is Copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. Secret message: Coming January 1998