_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #41 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought for the Week: Do people in | |oo| | nudist colonies have nightmares about going to | | -- | | work with their pants on? | \______/ | \----------/ In this issue: 1) See below Editorial Well hello and welcome to all you beautiful, happy, emotionally stable subscribers out there, glad to see you back for another issue of the superb Dead Pig Digest. Dylan and I have been very busy this 'week', doing all the kinds of things that healthy busy people do. Yes. I'm feeling very creatively challenged today, so I think instead of blathering on about nothing, we'll just push right ahead with the 'funny stuff'. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ "Hmmm... Snouty" Hello and welcome to Snoutline. I am your host, Bruce the Dead Pig, here to present to you with the latest and most accurate news coverage this side of Gondwanaland. Yes, believe it or not, 'news' is happening at quite frequent intervals all over the globe. Remaining up to date with 'news' is imperitive in maintaining a life which is influenced by all the lies that exist in the media. So read on, and maintain your ignorance! 1) Bill Clinton has left Sydney after a brief visit of only three days. We ran out of food. 2) The worlds youngest person to sail around the world solo, David Dicks, returned home to Western Australia last week, to a large and loud welcoming home party. Perth's Mayor, Peters Nattras, presented David with the key to the city and told him he was nothing short of being a hero. The Mayor then said he was a little of short of catching the bus home and asked for "a few bob, just for over the weekend". Teenager Dicks seemed flattered by the welcoming, however he wished the key was more than a symbolic gesture, as he would have preferred something that served a purpose, "like a beer". 3) Teachers at Macquarie University are coming under critism after a recent Organic Chemistry exam, in which students were asked how to make Heroin by isolating codiene from paracetamol. The most surprising thing is that students giving contact names and addresses of known drug dealers were awarded zero marks for the question, while students enclosing a free sample recieved high distinctions and are all going to Nymbin this weekend. Enrolments for Organic Chemistry for next year have doubled in the last week. 4) Port Arthur gun man(iac), Martin Bryant has been sentenced to spending the remainder of his natural life in prison. Fearing that this was not penalty enough, he has been sentenced to spend the remainder of his natural life in prison listening to "Rick Dee's American Top 40". Bryant's lawyer says that an appeal will be lodged to either take the radio away or to give Bryant a very sharp razor blade and possibly a length of rope, pre noosed. 5) Larry says 'Hi'. 6) Michael Jackson got married in Sydney last week, to some women or other, "for love" he said in a press release. In the same press release he misspelt his own name thrice, failed to mention the name of his bride and mentioned "Johnny Walker Tequila" seven times, while Johnny Walker does not manufacture tequila. 7) Boris Yeltsin was seen out and about after his recent heart operation earlier this week. Appearing confident and relaxed while wandering the gardens of his hospital on Russian Television, he hoped to be back at work within the next few weeks. In the fifty or so feet the Russian President walked, he stopped off at three bars and one dancing competition. 8) By examing the recent films, "Dead Man", "Dead Man Walking", "Dead Heart" and "Jingle All the Way", we discovered that 75% of all film titles contain the word "Dead". This is not a biased survey! 9) The Russian Mars Space probe, which crashed back to earth last week, only narrowly avoided Australia to make a splash in the Pacific ocean. Russian technicians have said they will no longer allow drunk people to operate their spacecrafts, no matter if they are at the highest rank in Russian government, or even if they do promise a "happy dance" in exchange for the priviledge. 10) Anti-Racism marches have occured throughout Australia in response to the recent racist remarks of Queensland MP Pauline Hanson. Hanson declines an invitation to attend and defend herself, saying she was busy with her fish and chip shop. Two words: "Pull the other one". --------------------------------------------------------------------------- \ / \ / \ / \/ /------\ ************************** * A DAY IN * __ * * THE LIFE OF * /31\ * * * \__/ * * DEAD PIG * * * ___ * #### * * | \ / * #### * * | \/ * #### * ************************** The Dead Pig Tv Channel Program Guide: "oink oink". Monday 6:00am: Wheel of Fortune Marathon - in German 9:00am: The Indepth Investigative Current Affairs Show 9:05am: Movie: "Weekend at Bernies 5: He's still Dead" - supposedly a "comedy" 11:00am: "Colombo: He's Old & Senile" - Drama. Tonight Colombo investigates the theft of his colostomy bag. 12:00 noon: "Star Trek: I forget which one" - Sci-fi. After drinking some sour milk, the captain falls in love with his phaser 1:00pm: "Donohue" - Talk Show. Scheduled: After a booking error, Donohue interviews himself 2:00pm: "Cops (The Out Takes)" - Real life drama. Includes the shooting of an innocent ice cream vendor and 10 raids on wrong addresses 3:00pm: "Taco en Noticias Tequila" - In Spanish 3:30pm: "The Kid's Hour" - for pedophiles 4:00pm: "Late Night News" - News 5:00pm: "Happy Days" - Comedy. The Fonz (Henry Winkler) has an allergic reaction to cheese 5:35pm: Documentary: "From Coke to Caffiene Free Diet Coke: The Complete Non-biased History of Carbonated Beverages. Sponsored by Coca-Cola." 6:30pm: "The World's Most Important News - Direct from New Zealand." Tonight, a special story on former PM Jim Bolger, and current Ski conditions. Also, "How To Care For Your Sheep, part 82: The Lower Left Eye Lid." 7:00pm: "Hard Copy" - Newsmagazine. Includes story on the Pope's drunken murderous killing spree and actor Jack Nicholson's murderous killing spree, while drunk. 8:00pm: "Chinese News" - in German 8:30pm: "The Making of Weekend Bernies 3: How they made him look so dead" 9:00pm: "Melrose Place" - Drama. An atomic bomb destroys Melrose Place and kills all who have ever been within or inhabited it 10:00pm: "The Distinguished Late Night Talk Show for Cultured People" - Variety. Tonight's show include Jacques Coustou, Peter O'Toole, Andrew Lloyd Webber, a segment on "caring for your masterpieces" with the curator of the Boston Gallery of Fine Arts and special musical guest, Megadeth 11:30pm: "We Do Bag Wash" - Religion 12:00midnight: "The After School Cartoon Fun Show" - For kids. Hosted by Buzzy Wuzzy Finkleberry 2:00am: "El Cheapo Tv Presents: Security Camera Live" - See what's happening in and around the Dead Pig Channel Studios 4:00am: "Seinfeld" - Comedy. Jerry loses Newman's manners at the Gym, while George is having problems with his meat. 4:30am: "Up To Date News, Sport and Weather" - Repeat (1983) 5:30am: "Gilligan's Island" - Comedy. Gilligan bungles an escape attempt, yet again. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Transcript of a talk given by Professor Phrenetic, entitled "Diamond Snake": Today we shall be talking about the diamond snake. The diamond snake is, as snakes go, quite unique, in that it is the only snake I shall be talking about tonight. I shall not, for example, be talking at all about the red-bellied snake . . . which incidentally lives in Canada and the USA and of which there exist 3 subspecies which vary mainly by the arrangement of characteristic black spots on the neck. Now, the diamond snake is now on the verge of extinction, now. But nobody really cares because diamond snakes are of course, notoriously bad lovers. The cause of this extinction is deforestation. Trees, far too many trees are being chopped down in the snakes natural habitat, the sahara desert, and are falling on the snakes and squashing them flat, like, er, like bananas. Now we shall discuss the snakes rather strange appearance. You can easily spot a diamond snake from a mile off, as long as you have extremely good eyes and know exactly what a diamond snake looks like. But we don't say miles anymore, now we use metric, don't we, so instead of miles, we have to say inches. You can spot a diamond snake from an inch away easily enough because it's the savage long thing that is currently interested in seeing how big a hole it can make in your leg. Fortunately, the snakes poison will kill you painfully over a course of many hours, so there is no actual danger. The snakes will only attack you if you provoke them, by walking near them for instance, or dropping frag grenades on their heads. The snakes have a speckled diamond pattern on their back, which gives them extraordinarily good camouflage in diamond mines. This is not not extremely useful, because it's very hard to see in a diamond mine anyway. But since the snakes do not actually live in diamond mines, it doesn't matter. The snakes actually live in grassy fields, where they stick out like a sore thumb. I will demonstrate. (produces a hammer and hits his thumb, then holds it up.) See, my thumb is now very sore, and see how much it sticks out? It sticks out like a diamond snake in a grassy field, doesn't it? From this we can conclude that it is possible that the sore thumb and the diamond snake may have a common ancestor. I am currently trying to get a grant from the university to persue this theory. Unfortunately they already have a theory of their own which I had explained to me in great detail and which is 'no grants for you, you mad bastard'. Anyway, thank you for having me, I hope this talk was educational and inspirational as well as being perhaps a little educational. Thank you once again, I will be giving another nature animal talk tomorrow, which is entitled 'Marketing Challenges for Computer Salesman' and which will be held in a building somewhere. Thank you and good night. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's about it for this issue. Remember, a loyal friend is one of the greatest assets of life, but you can buy much more with gold. Have a nice time. __DEAD PIG LINKS___ DEAD PIG ONLINE ISSUE (#39): http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/pig/ OFFICIAL DEAD WEB PAGE: (includes unreleased material, other neat stuff) Australia: http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/ Rest of the world: http://www.safari.net/~sky/deadpig OTHER DEAD PIG WEB PAGES: (includes back issues) IN AUSTRALIA: http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan/ IN EUROPE: http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ IN NORTH AMERICA: http://www.safari.net/~sky/ (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html DYLAN'S ONLINE ALBUMS which are normally located at http://uuscss.cs.su.oz.au/~dylan_b/album/dum.html are unavailable until further notice. Sorry. This document is Copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. Today's secret clue: "Giant squid" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you wish to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. If you don't want to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading DON'T SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. However, we promise that if you do join, you won't regret it.* *Possibly untrue -------------------------------------------------------------------------