_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #40 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought for the Week: In Australia, the | |oo| | government says that you have to drive on the right | | -- | | side of the road, which is the left side. This | \______/ | confuses me when I'm drunk. \----------/ In this issue: 1) Contents list 2) Check contents list Editorial Well hello again, all you beautiful and intellectual people out there in readerland, and welcome to Dead Pig Digest #40! Yes, the digest is verging on the point where it is likely to have a mid-life crisis, quit it's job and leave it's hubby. We have finally reached the big 4-0 and believe me, looking back down on all the years passed, I realise that cataracts have severly damaged my eyesight. Such is the thing with old age. Anyway. Bruce the Dead Pig, praise him, has been enjoying the transition from spring to summer here in Australia, as have we high priests, since he gives off a putrid, almost crunchy, odour when the weather warms up. We're thinking of bottling it and selling it as an aphrodisiac. But then, we also think about inventing a cream puff cannon to repel the invaders from Jupiter, so there you are ... Okay, well it should have become fairly apparent by now that I have nothing of any worth to report in this editorial, so let us dispense with the mucking around, and get on with the digest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ contains 100% Ajibaba and Ajibaba by-products Good evening and welcome to Snoutline. I am your host, Bruce the Dead Pig, here to present you with all the factual events going on in this big wide world of ours, as accurately and truthfully as the maggots eating my brain will allow. Enjoy. Blaxg. 1) The Melbourne Cup was won this year by Bart Cumming's horse, 'Saintly'. I've been checking the books, and apparently there are no rules about rocket packs, which means next year you can count on my horse, named 'Cow', to win the Melbourne Cup. You bet lots of money. 2) Perot won the Election. Despite the fact that the result is not yet known, as I am writing this the day before the election, there is no doubt in my mind that the new President of the United States will be Ross Perot. You know the saying, vote for the man with the biggest ears. 3) There's some international crisis happening around Zaire and Rawanda, something about fleeing refugees. It doesn't effect me, so I don't care. 4) The third "Beatles Anthology" album has been released, but George Harrison has hinted that perhaps another album in the series will be released after the discovery of rare tapes of the Fab Four from the mid 60's, sleeping on a tour bus. This Double CD Set will supposedly be called "Beatles Asleep" and will include the tracts "John Lennon yawning and then rolling over" and "Ringo falling out of bed". Like all the other recent Beatles albums, it will sell for no less than $50 and will "not be a rip off" according to a Capitol records spokesperson. 5) Famous Australian Racist, Prejudice Pauline Hanson has her own fan club. She even has her own theme song: She don't like Indegeous Peoples She also don't like immigrants I guess it's really no surprise that She attended a nazi conference Pauline Hanson is a racist Pauline Hanson is really biased She runs a fish and chip shop She didn't finish school She's a bad public speaker She really is a fool I never said it was a good song, did I? 6) Diana, Princess of Wales (formely known as Princess Diana), came to Australia a couple of week ago. She got more airtime on the Nightly News than the Jet crash in South America that killed ninety people. That seven year old kid is at it again. 7) No news happened today in number 7. 8) Hell has frozen over. Many people are now wishing they had not used the phrase 'when hell freezes over' to describe something they hadn't intended on ever doing. 9) Gordon sends his regards. 10) Popular children's entertainer 'Bobby the Chainsaw Clown' has been charged with massmurder. Approximately ten children were found in various states of mutilation, ranging from missing limbs, tracks of flesh churned from their bodies, and mangled pulpy heads. None survived. Police are still trying to determine what kind of weapon was used to commit the murders. 'Bobby the Chainsaw Clown' is not being co-operative. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ ÆÆÆ Attack of Big Dog ÆÆÆÆ ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ Æ The column who's title Æ Æ sounds interesting but Æ Æ delivers very little...Æ ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ Welcome Back to Attack of Big Dog. This week once again we deliver 5 fantastic Mexican Food dishes, rejected by the manager of "Casa Del Mexican Food" after suggestions from his chef. 1) "Taco del Dirt" 5 kinds of gourmet dirt blended with the finest imported mud and placed in a crispy taco shell. 2) "Nachoes es Poison" Wish you were dead? Want to kill yourself? Well now you can and at the same time enjoy some delicious corn chips and a tasty bean dip. Also served with Salsa en Acid. 3) "PinyŒta el Manager" If you aren't satisfied with your meal, we hang up the manager from the roof and you can bash him with a plank of wood. If you bash hard enough, you will find tasty treats for the whole family inside! Hmmm Hmm! 4) "Cheapo Enchilada" One Plain Enchilada. That is all. Nothing else. 5) "Tapas el Tap Shoes" How about some tasty tap shoes as your appetiser. They're Tapshoe-erific. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you walk for long enough towards a shining star in the distance, eventually you might look down realise you should have fed your dog, whose carcass you have been dragging for so long that great bleeding wads of skin have been torn from its body. Or, you might keep walking towards the brightly shining star. That great, bright light in the sky! How beautiful and wonderful it will be when you get there. Maybe you should be thinking about catching a bus. And that's what life is like, son. Except for that star bit. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Yes, a forum for readers of Dead Pig to send things in to. Please send all letters and questions do zarla@magna.com.au, along with half your annual income (not tax deductable). The first lot of questions comes from a someone called Janna: Q: Is Bruce cute? A: As far as rotting pig carcasses go, Bruce is a STUD. His mold is just the right shade of greeny yellow, his aroma is enough to bowl any girl over (literally), his intestines hang out over his groin in a way that prevocitively gives a hint of what treasure lies beneath, but leaves enough to the imagination, his huge muscles bulge, often spiltting through his grimy flesh ... on top of which he is sensitive to a womens needs (although he mostly chooses to ignore them). All in all, someone you'd love to rap your arms around forever (since they will become imbedded in his sticky flesh) and smother with hot kisses. Q: Does he have a girlfriend? A: Not at the moment. Just be careful, as you might find a relationship with Bruce coming apart in your hands. Q: Is it sacreligious to have dreams about him? A: Not at all. In fact, it is a healthy part of growing up as a Dead Pig Follower, and is perfectly normal. Your parents should have told you about that. The next letter comes from an entity who has given himself the name of 'Barley the Smoking Chook'! Ha ha ha! Dear Pig People I am currently studying the behaviour of dead animals when exposed to high levels of chainsaw activity, and I am hoping you can pass these questions on to Bruce for my research; * What are Bruce's thoughts on chainsaws? * Has Bruce ever been exposed to high levels of chainsaw activity? * If Bruce were to purchase a chainsaw, where would he get it from? * Aren't chainsaws wonderful? A: Whenever Bruce has thoughts on chainsaws he invariably serates his buttocks, and we have to take him off and stuff all the fat back into him through the wounds he has made. Bruce has, on occassion, been exposed to low levels of chainsaw activity, such as when he had that ingrown toenail that he had ignored for so long it had grown right through his foot and was sticking out the bottom of his trotter, and got us to chainsaw his back for a while to take his mind off the pain. But never really high levels, no. Bruce would never 'purchase' a chainsaw. With his infinite celestial power, he can materialise a chainsaw whenever he feels like. If he wanted some kind of other power tool however, he would probably shop at 'Handyman Emporium' on Randell St, near our house - simply because its the shortest walk away, and Bruce hates physical activity. Yes, chainsaws are wonderful. By the way, an update on the "Bobby the Chainsaw Clown" situation: Bobby remains unco-operative when asked by police what the murder weapon he used to splice a large group of children apart with. He will only sit in his cell, idly revving his massive, blood covered chainsaw. Police remain on alert for possible leads. Well, that's about it for question time this week. If you have a question, or a letter, or a whatever, just mail it to zarla@magna.com.au, and we will get around to answering it sometime within the next millenia. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh yeah, one more thing. A bit of a rant. I got this piece of crap chain letter in the mail the other day: >*Warning* if you do not pass this on, something as bad as this story, or WORSE will happen to you: >CASE 1: Take Heather Dickson of Buford, MN. She was in love with a man named Dennis Samson. Dennis had professed his love for Heather, and then she recieved this letter. She thought chain letters were stupid and did not pass it on. Two days later, Dennis was killed in a car accident after having visited his other lover that Heather was not aware of. COMMENT 1: Someone who is having a lot more fun than you behind your back getting run over by a car is a *bad* thing? >CASE 2: Take Sarah Matthewson. She recieved this letter and being the believer that she is, she sent it on to a few of her friends but didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out the full 10 that you must. Three days later, Sarah was at a masquerade ball when she was struck by a falling disco ball and died. COMMENT 2: Take people who aren't stupid weiners. They send out emails that claim to have a direct effect of your love life, despite the fact that are merely electronic bits arranged by a computer. If you don't do what they ask, you die horrifically. Charming, isn't it? I think we should introduce new cosmic legislation that means if you *are* pathetic enough to send out all the ten letters then you get hit by a disco ball, or die in an equally dumb way. If you ignore the letter, and choose not to inflict it on others, then you should get all that good luck. Please write to your local government official if you support this view. >This is the letter: >You must send this on in 1 hour after reading this letter to 10 different people. If you do this, you will receive luck in love. The person that you are most attracted to will soon return your feelings. THIS IS NOT A JOKE!!!!!!! You have read the warnings, you must send this on!!!!! Eric Mancough send this letter out within 45 minutes of reading it. Not even 4 hours later was he walking along the street when he ran into Ann Heartearn, his secret love for 5 years. Ann came up to him and told him of her passionate crush on him that she had had for 2 years. Ann and Eric are still married with five children, happy as ever. >*note* The more people that you send this to, the better luck you will have. COMMENT 3: It is kind of ironic that in whinging about this letter, I have actively sent it out WITHIN THE HOUR of reading it to over four hundred people who are subscribed to Dead Pig Digest. Not that I believe in it, ha ha! Of course not, ha ha! Nothing to do with the fact that if this really works I'll become the biggest babe magnet that ever lived! Ha ha! Of course I'm not that shallow. Of course not. IN CONCLUSION: If you want something bad enough, pray to the glorius Dead Pig. He is the wise force behind our universe, and to rely on this pagan stuff is to dishonour his rotting highness! Now excuse me while I repress the recipient list. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's about it for this issue. Remember, if you feel bad and life seems to suck, you can always conquer the sadness by calling up a friend, or a loved one, and getting them to SUBSCRIBE TO DEAD PIG. Have a nice time. __DEAD PIG LINKS___ DEAD PIG ONLINE ISSUE (#39): http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/pig/ OFFICIAL DEAD WEB PAGE: (includes unreleased material, other neat stuff) Australia: http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/ Rest of the world: http://www.safari.net/~sky/deadpig OTHER DEAD PIG WEB PAGES: (includes back issues) IN AUSTRALIA: http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan/ IN EUROPE: http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ IN NORTH AMERICA: http://www.safari.net/~sky/ (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html DYLAN'S ONLINE ALBUMS which are normally located at http://uuscss.cs.su.oz.au/~dylan_b/album/dum.html are unavailable until further notice. Sorry. This document is Copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. There will be no hidden message today.