To: From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #38 Cc: Bcc: subscribers, subscribers2 X-Attachments: _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #38 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought for the Week/Month/Year: The space | |oo| | program gets millions of dollars funding every year, | | -- | | but majiuana is still illegal. There was a connection | \______/ | there when I was stoned. \----------/ In this issue: 1) Read on, and see for yourself Editorial Well. My, my. Quite a while since the last Dead Pig went out, I know. Quite a while indeed. But we find it very hard to concentrate on writing here when the OLYMPICS are being shoved down our throats left, left, and the bit that comes after right and centre (left). Gold for Australia my butt, I'd be happy to have all the crap American TV back that used to screen where there is now endless footage of people running very fast, swimming very fast, throwing very fast and jumping very fast. Anyway, not a very good excuse for the long delay of Dead Pig Digest, but the real excuses are mundane ('We couldn't be bothered' is the general gist of them). DO YOU WANT MORE ISSUES OF DEAD PIG MORE OFTEN? MAYBE EVEN ON TIME? If yes, then e-mail the nice people at our school, Fort Street High School and tell them to give us less homework. Their e-mail address is fort@loom.net.au If you don't know what to say, use this form letter: Dear ____________ I would like to say _____________________________ and _________________. Yours sincerly, ________________ p.s. don't mention our names (Sam Bowring or Dylan Behan), just say you would like less homework to be given to the entire school, in particular the wonderful people in the senior years who do not have enough spare time to fulfil their commitments to other people. Anyway, enough of this randy rambling, let us tuck our feet behind our ears, say a prayer, and roll forth with the digest! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A short quiz: Are YOU getting too many AUTOMOBILE parts in your diet? Yes, this is a health problem that has been a cause of anxiety to 'many' people of recent times, and so we at Dead Pig feel a certain social responsibility towards you, the 'idiot-heads' of society. Q: When you see a car do you . . . a) Think 'Ah. A landgoing automobile, the parts of which I should not eat.' b) Forcefully render it away from the driver c) Chow down Q: When you see a plane do you . . . a) React with excitable shrieks of 'Great metal bird! Great metal bird!' b) Get OUT of the WAY c) Bite it Q: When you see a submarine do you . . . a) Think 'I am probably drowning.' b) 65 (only when x = y squared) c) Stick a fork in the side Q: When you eat, do you eat: a) Food b) Other food c) AUTOMOBILE PARTS HOW TO SCORE: One point for every answer you answer in a way that is true to yourself. If you score four or over, congratulations! You are a very honest person. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ____________________________ | if it weren't for breach | 100 years old | of copyright, we'd put | OLYMPICS, OY OY OY OY | the olympic symbol here | |__________________________| Well the olympics have officially got under way, and what a fantastic opening ceremony it was. I can't tell you which was more entertaining, 1000 kids dancing around in dumb suits, the song by Celine Dion, the song by that opera guy dressed as a woman or the hour and a half it took to get all the 7000 atheletes onto the field. What they should've done is put a pile of $100 notes in the middle of the field and had the athletes walk in from different corners - they would all be on within a few minutes, and the really fast ones would have been rewarded with some $$$, if you know what I mean. And I'm sure you do. Anyway, after the explosion of the TWA jet off New York last week (that damn 7 year old girl pilot!!!), security was stepped up at the Oylmpic site. Also, Valujet breathed a sigh of relief as it meant they were no longer on everyone's "Don't fly this airline, they had the most recent major crash" list. The security was so tight that as the torch bearer was coming into the stadium, he had to stop off for a retina scan and an internal cavity search. It wasn't a pretty sight. I sat there for an hour and the only thing I really found interesting about the opening ceremony was that every few minutes I'd say "Hey, I never knew there was such a country as that. What a cute little country." Oh well, get ready for 16 days straight of ... err... olympic sports. Yes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- AUSTRALIAN IN-JOKES These are jokes designed specifically for our Australian susbscribers, and parts significant to Australians only is in upper case. * ANNA WOOD actually died from NO FRILLS PEANUT BUTTER on a GARIBALDI SAUSAGE * The NEW SOUTH WALES POLICE are HONEST people * ALEXANDER DOWNER is normal * I got a problem with my GOGGO MOBILE, I think it's a BROKEN FRETZ * Where do you go when the world blows up? COLES NEW WORLD (must be 17 or older to get joke) * RAY MARTIN is not bald * THE FOOTY SHOW is an intellectually stimulating, yet entertaining and genuinely funny television program. * I was at the PUB at BONDI BEACH when my MATES, BARRY and SHANE PANTSED ME, cause I was wearin' TRACKY DACKS and THONGS * TAXES are LOW * NEW SOUTH WALES TEACHERS get paid too much * KAMAHL is always guaranteed a no. 1 record * IVAN MILAT looks INNOCENT --------------------------------------------------------------------------- POEM to the MASSES Oh, you who are dissillusioned You who live the lies of the world You who have been programmed by society Cities of the innocent and blind . . . JOIN THE DEAD PIG DIGEST! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT IF . . . Lassie had been a chihuahua? WHAT THEN? Scene: Uncle George is drowning in the dam. Lassie is trying to warn Billy and Alison. Lassie: Yip yip yip yip! Billy: Get away you ugly little rat! Lassie: Yip yip yip yip! SFX: Punt! Long shot: Lassie flying through the air over the tree tops. Lassie: Yip yip yip yip splat. HUH? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- You get one life only. Unless you believe in reincarnation. And if you believe in reincarnation you come back according to how good youÕve been. If you are very bad, you may come back as an ant, a rat, something unpleasant. If you are good you come back as something better. So how do you know how good youÕve been? You can tell by how many presents you get at christmas. Because Santa knows. If you get presents at christmas, that means youÕve been good. If you donÕt get any presents, youÕve been bad. ThatÕs why all the children in third world nations come back as pubic lice. One life. But say you get born as a cockroach. ArenÕt you gonna be just a little pissed off? What can you do? This is your only shot, and you . . . you are a revolting useless insect. Your only useful ability is to run under the fridge when the kitchen light comes on. You may as well just get it all over with as fast as you can and commit pesticide. But if you do believe in reincarnation, if you're good you'll come back as something better. But how do you be a good cockroach? ThereÕs a sort of limit on the things you can achieve, isnÕt there? Ever seen a headline ÔCockroach saves nine from drowning.Õ Just a thought. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well the results of the Dead Pig "Win a t-shirt" caption competition have now been announced, and you can find them at the Dead Pig Web Page at http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/ There aren't many thin people reading this are there? There may or may not be a U.S. mirror of the Dead Pig Web Page set up at http://www.safari.net/~sky/deadpig so check it out anyways and see for yourself. The next issue of Dead Pig (when ever it comes out) will be a multimedia fest including sounds, pictures and stuff. Don't worry, it won't be e-mailed to you, it will be on the web. We will e-mail you when it will working so you can check it out. Well, that's the end of this digest. Remember, always test a nucleur reactor with your big toe first before getting in. Have a nice time. Dylan's Debut online debut album is entitled "Everything Two Dollar" at http://uuscss.cs.su.oz.au/~dylan_b/album/ Listen to fantastic funny 'music' by co-writer of Dead Pig. Web pages with back issues: HTTP://WWW.SAFARI.NET/~SKY (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan (digests have been HTMLed) This document is copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. Secret list 1) Gordon 2) Pair of pliars 3) '324' 4) Baked beans 5) Pair of pliars