Date: Mon, 24 Jun 1996 17:47:19 +1000 Mime-Version: 1.0 To: (Recipient list suppressed) From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #37 Status: RO X-Status: _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #37 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: If everyone in the | |oo| | world ate just spinach, there would have to be a | | -- | | heck of a lot of spinach. | \______/ | \----------/ In this issue: 1) An essay on the socio-political effects of Napoleans 'coup de etat' on the Board of Directors of France early in the nineteeth century. 2) A detailed investigation into the increased rate of drug usage in the young. 3) A biological report on factors influencing rate of photosynthesis in certain types of algae. 4) Really shallow stuff. Editorial Hi guys, hope you're doing a-okay in the life the Dead Pig has, in his infinite wisdom and generousity, given you on loan. I bet you were all waiting in sweaty anticipation for the issue of Dead Pig Digest which has been allocated the number '37' for purposes of national security, and I also bet on horses. And lose quite extensively. Well, totally, to be honest. And run up huge debts. And borrow from guys called 'Sharky' to cover them. And get my teef kicked in when I fail to keep up on payments. But HEY, life is good. Anyway, enough of this 'stuff', let us get on with the digest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ now with real home-baked pastry Yes, welcome to Snoutline, I'm your host, Bruce the Dead Pig. Over the past couple of weeks a great deal of stuff has happened, as is to be expected when you get a great many people and stick them in a place called the 'world' and expect them to all live together . . . so here are some news stories for you, you damned vultures. News, news, we want news, squawk squawk. Ahem. Anyway. Here is the news: 1) It has been discovered that almost all the workers at the Glebe Morgue in Sydney stole money off corpses. They are being sued for loss of income by the Funeral Directors Union. 2) The result of the Russian election looks to be so close that there will be a re-election later next month. Boris Yeltsin was so depressed he drank himself to heart failure for the third time this week. 3) New South Wales won all three games in the state of origin rugby league ... err ... who cares? 4) Something happened in basketball in America ... It was on the TV but I hate basketball so I can't rememeber what. Something about Gatorade or something. Why is it called Gatorade? Like I can understand Lemonade, cause it tastes like Lemons, but Gatorade? Come on, it tastes nothing like a reptile. (Dylan's lame joke for this week. Please ignore.) 5) Australian Susie Marony's attempted swim from Cuba to Key West, Florida failed as she finished 24 kilometres short of her target. I have two things to say to her, the first is SUCKED IN, and the second is why didn't she just bribe some American to marry her so she could become a citizen like the rest of us. 6) A bomb exploded in Manchester just minutes after people were evacuated - however 300 people were still injured. Coded messages were sent to English police forces just minutes before the blast - however, the code had to be simple enough so that it could be decoded by the police. The actual coded message was this "Bomb in Manchester. 842 Williams Road. Bomb is an explosive device. Bomb kill people, make them sleep for very long time. Evacuate ... make people leave area, that way they will not get hurt or pain" 7) Two of the American army's Blackhawk helicopters collided in mid-air barely a week after two Blackhawk helicopters collided in mid-air here in Australia. Additionally, a jet has skidded off the runway in Tokyo and burst into flames. The total death count of these three disasters is in excess of 30, which means when they catch that damn 7 year old girl pilot she'll be up for about 400 years in prison. 8) The coroner has ruled that the death of Sydney teenager Anna Wood last year at a "rave party" was directly the result of taking the designer drug, XTC, which caused here brain to swell. It was not a result of listening to that techno music all night, like us here at Dead Pig Digest suspected. 9) No number ten this week. 10) No number nine this week. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________ | || BRUCE'S || || || || | || ||SUMMER MOVIE|| || || | || || || SUMMARY || || |_____||_____||_____||_____||_____||_____|| ------------------------------------------- Yes, with the northern hemisphere summer approaching, it means that all the "big" movies are out, and here to review them is . . . me. SPY HARD "Plot? What's that?" is obviously what the writer answered in an interview recently. Unlike the Naked Gun movies, you won't have to Spy Hard for the jokes because they are so obvious that they aren't funny. THE ERASER The new Arnold Schwartzeneger movie is a change in direction for Arnie, as in this action movie he does more than bash up the bad guys, he counsils them in an attempt to more greatly understand the problems within their own lives. Then he bashes them before shooting them repeatedly in the head. TWISTER "Plot, what's that" is obviously what the writer said in an interview about the movie. The script was something like this: "Have these cool cyclone things chasing people and have cool stuff flying in the air". It was up to the special effects people to make this into a movie that people would want to see. TRAINSPOTTING Just a hint druggos, follow the train tracks and you're bound to find one eventually. UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL This movie sucks. INDEPENDENCE DAY Someone should tell the people who made this movie that if you want to make a movie which people are only gonna see because of the special effects, have some decent ones like Twisters or Dinosaurs, not what looks like some colourised lame 60's sci-fi flick. FLIPPER The dolphin got paid more than Paul Hogan and Aliziah Wood combined because their wages were based on talent. The dolphin can balance a ball on its nose and entertain people for five minutes, which is five minutes longer than these actors. I'd like to imagine the guy in the board meeting doing the sales pitch for this movie to the producers at the big Hollywood studio. Writer: Well, the idea is we take a lame 60's tv show which no one liked back then and turn into a movie Producer1: My, what a wonderful idea! Producer2: And original too! Producer3: Why didn't I think of that? Producer1: Boy, looks like we aree gonna pay for your movie! Writer: Heh heh . . . idiots. Producers: What? Writer: Oh, nothing. Just sign here. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now here's a play called I'M NOT AFRAID OF ALICE WALKER Scene: A ballroom, a party is about to begin. Enter Alice Walker and his lovely wife Derek Walcott. Alice: When do the guests here? Derek: Here I am! Alice: Have you prepared the snacks? Derek: Almost started! Alice: Well hurry up, I don't have all day! Alice: Right-o! Derek: You feeling alright? Derek: Yeah fine! Alice: Quiet! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- and now... DEAD PIG QUIZ This weeks question Q. Two people in the last play had "Mad Cow Disease", which two? Answers last week. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Reader's letters, questions and delusional ramblings are given a public forum. If you want something to appear here send it to zarla@magna.com.au without delay! Here are questions which owe their origins to someone called Byron: Q: What would happen if the Dead Pig was resurrected? A: Well . . . I guess . . . he would be resurrected. Jeez. Q: What happens when the Dead Pig completely rots away? A: Perhaps . . . hmm . . . he is completely rotted away? Sheesh. Q: Are there Dead Pig T-Shirts, shoes, T.V series, and if there aren't, should there be? A: There are indeed Dead Pig T-shirts, to be won in a competition which closes soon! See web page (address below) for entry. The television show does not exist YET, and all the shoes in the world are unofficially Dead Pig shoes. Q: If the Dead Pig was ever alive, then it couldn't have complete deadness, but if was never alive it couldn't be dead, so how did it get complete deadness? A: Your logic is, in one very descriptive and rude word, FUCKED. If we accept it, we must also believe that King Henry can't be completely dead, since he was once alive, that Elvis is not completely dead (and believe me, HE IS), that my grandpa isn't completely dead, that the seven year old girl pilot is not completely dead either. Go and wring out your brain. Your question is the most spazmoid we at Dead Pig have ever received, and that's saying something. But then, what isn't? Oh shut up. Here are three questions put to us by long time friend and upholder of one of the Dead Pig Back Issues web pages, Ryan: Q: Yes. A: No, no, wrong. Next time, I give the answer and you ask the question, understand? Q: Why is it that pigs are smart, but they roll around in mud and can't solve any algebraic questions put to them? A: Why is it that humans are smart but they set off nucleur bombs and actively destroy the planet that is their home? Because it's FUN. Anyway, my algebra sucks and I'm not adverse to a good roll in the mud every now and again. Q: I am going to shoot Bruce. Does anyone have any problems with this? A: I have enough trouble cleaning up the rot and offle and organs that slide out of Bruce without you adding to it, thank you very much. If you must, I recommend a semi-automatic, as they will not be in Australia for much longer. Next are some letters: Dear Bruce Why has it been so long since the last issue of Dead Pig? FFrom Annoyed Crumble Dear Annoyed We have been very busy watching day time television and doing nothing. Did anyone tape Donahue last Wednesday, I was out of the house and I set my video to tape but it ran out. -ed Dear Editors of Dead Pig (warning: long letter which has been delayed somewhat in publication due to legal action and slackness) I write to you to show my feelings about some of the contents of the last Dead Pig Digest, a publication about which to this date I have had very little complaint. In the publication No. 33 which arrived on the 13th April I found two references in the article "spinning off" The Sound of Music's Some Of My Favourite Things which I found particularly disturbing and quite unwarranted, even in the humorous context in which these references were. The first, in which the noun "beer" was in the same line (and, by implication, the same order) as "suicide", "genocide", and "cyanide" I found dissapointing since I have always found beer, with the possible exception of Victoria Bitter, a very drinkable substance. The second, a reference to threaded needles having the use of stitching wounds in the heads of football players I found ambiguous and misleading. Which football are you talking about? If the subject of this slanderous attack is the violent but well-paid Rugby League, or the even more violent Thugby Union, then your remark may be justifiable. But also under the classification "Football" comes Australian Rules Football, which I happen to play, and is, although a full contact sport, much safer in regard to injury than so-called "non-contact" sports such as ice hockey, polo or basketball. In the three years I have played Australian Rules Football the most serious injury I have ever witnessed was a broken nose caused by a particularly vicious and immature thug who was consequently suspended from playing. While watching a game of hockey I have seen a broken collarbone, leading to hospitalisation, caused by the swinging of a hockey stick onto the victim's neck and shoulder. I hope that in future the author realises that in a publication such as yours there is a potential for petty grievances to come out in text, and I suggest proofreading for references which may offend. -Liam Hogan (half-back flank) Dear Lian Do shut up. -ed --------------------------------------------------------------------------- I believe that's enough drivel for this week. Until next time, remember, it's easier to be cruel than kind. And a lot more fun, too. Have a nice time. ALL LICK THE PUTRID SORES ON THE DEAD PIGS SALTY HOCKS! # The Offical Dead Pig Web Page: http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/ LAST DAYS OF THE T-SHIRT COMP! Dylan's Debut online debut album is entitled "Everything Two Dollar" at http://uuscss.cs.su.oz.au/~dylan_b/album/ Listen to fantastic funny 'music' by co-writer of Dead Pig. Web pages with back issues: HTTP://WWW.SAFARI.NET/~SKY (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan (digests have been HTMLed) This document is copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. Secret message: The secret message today will not contain anything of substance. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you wish to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. If you don't want to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading DON'T SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. However, we promise that if you do join, you won't regret it.* *Possibly untrue -------------------------------------------------------------------------