_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #34 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: The human soul | |oo| | is a beautiful thing, if you can rip it out of | | -- | | it's owner. | \______/ | \----------/ In this issue: 1) See above Editorial Hello hello hello, and welcome back my children. Nice to have you all with us again on the ride of fun and hilarity that is the Dead Pig Digest. Here are some selected highlights of quotes regarding what people have said about our little ezine: 'I think Dead Pig Digest is a' - TIME magazine 'My feelings for the Dead Pig Digest could be summed up by simply saying' - Syndey Morning Herald 'If you asked me the most memorable thing about the Dead Pig Digest it would be' - New York Times Yes, quite a lot of high profile publications commenting there. It's nice to see what people think. Anyway, enough of this post-modern biotechnic banter, on with the digest! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ now with real facts Aaaaah. Yes. Welcome to Snoutline again, the news program for people not too thouroughly concerned with minor details like the truth. I'm your host Bruce the Dead Pig, and here the top stories in the news at the moment: !) At the Police Royal Commission there have been damning allegations of pedophelia among the police force and many tales of high ranking police officers illegally having sex with boys and girls who were under the age of consent. Many shocked Australians this week are responding "There's an age of consent? Why didn't anyone tell me?" @) It is determined that if the signs over tunnels and parking lots saying "Low Clearance: 2.3 metres" weren't hanging down so low, then the clearance wouldn't be so damn low either. #) In a protest against the many undefused landmines that exist around the world, thousands of Germans created a pile of shoes outside Berlin's Brandenburg gate. I guess actually raising money to defuse all those landmines didn't occur to those people, instead there are lots of Germans walking around Berlin right now with their wallets full and no shoes on, saying to themselves "Yep, glad I could do something to help bring an end to landmines, I put my shoes on a pile." $) Funnyman Robin Williams returned to Australia last week to rehash jokes at every press engagement and plug his new film in which he plays the owner of a drag club in Miami. Williams tells us that in studying for his new role he read the script. Good to know he's not overworking himself! %) Greg Normal lost the U.S. Masters in America after being over 5 strokes in the lead on the second last day. He gave his reason for the failure by simple saying "I screwed up". You don't say, Greg! Go play a game where the pressure won't get to you. Butterfly catching maybe, or rubber quoits. (Rubber because twine quoits are a bit too heavy and may result in a stressful situation.) ^) The Queen celebrated her 70th birthday today among many disgruntled bitter heirs to the throne . . . errr . . . I mean family. Also on royal matters it was announced last week that Duchess Fergie and Prince Andrew were getting a divorce. Camilla Parker Bowles is going to have some very indeciscive time ahead of her after this. &) Chinese film censors banned the release of the movie "Babe" in their country. It appears that they already have a movie about a fat pig which rebels against the hypocrasy and enslaves the majority of "blind sheep". It is the biographical movie of Mao Tse Tung. *) Recent surveys have found that in families it is often the father who is responsible for the children becoming overweight as they encourage them to eat fatty and unhealty foods. Those damn feminists are everywhere! What'll they blame on us next? World War II? () The number keys on our email program get all screwed up while we're trying to put together Snoutline. !)) Update on Clinton's censorship of the net: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK BUM POO WEE-WEE FUCK FUCK FUCK0 --------------------------------------------------------------------------- DYLAN'S JOKE! Yes, and welcome to a new one part segment called Dylan's Joke! In this segment we give you a joke which Dylan has been wanting to put in the digest for a long time, but which Sam thinks is too sad, but yet Dylan keeps BUGGING him about it, so here is Dylan's Joke: A restaurant has opened in New York which also doubles as a bank. You can withdraw or deposit money, as well as get a home loan. It is called "Cash and Curry". That's it! Ha ha ha ha ha! What a great joke! If you have any comments on what you thought of this joke, complimentary or damning, please send them to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject DYLAN'S SPAZMO JOKE RESPONSE. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Announcing a new Dead Pig column entitled . . . ???????????? Why did they do it? ???????????? in which we discover why many scientific discoveries actually did occur ... 1) The Decimal System: This simple, efficient and effective form of measurement was originally created during the late 1700's in France and instituted by Napoleon Bonaparte. America is yet to catch on (as is demonstrated by the number of tv channels and gun control). Americans want life to be anything but easy and simple. 2) The German Autobahn: Yes, these super expressways with no speed limits were originally developed by Hitler as his original way of killing off the Jews, before discovering gas and bullets were more effective. Now it used by all Germans to keep the German population low. 3) The Atomic Bomb: An entirely safe device invented for peace (or so says Chirac and the rest of his French morons). 4) The Compact Disc: Originally developed by Japanese electronics giant, Sony because the Japanese with their high wages could afford them but the rest of the world couldn't! ($30 Australian for a CD, Bah!) 5) The "Why do we do it" column was originally developed by Dead Pig author, Dylan Behan in order to say slanderous things about various races without getting in trouble, as is demonstrated in the last four items. And for those of you keeping count it's: Americans, Germans, French and the Japanese! I'd make fun of New Zealand but they haven't invented anything. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------- |AAAARGH!| -------- Yes, it's been a while, and only our quite early subscribers will remember what an AAAARGH is, goodness bless you. For the rest of you slackers, and AAAARGH is the last words of a person in a given situation. Here we go: a) U.S. Diplomat Ron Brown in Bosnia: 'Hey pilot, I'll give ya twenty bucks if you see how close you can fly to that mountain without crashing into it.' b) That dumb little girl whose name escapes me and who wanted to be the first kiddy to fly across America in a defective plane: 'Daddy, I wanna fly a aeroplane! Please daddy, can I, huh, huh? Oh, thanks daddy, ring up Guiness Book of records and find a co-pilot with the IQ of bait, and we'll go. Here's our plane, woohoo, let's go! Wow, all those little people down there look like ants! Ha ha! This is great! Hey, what's that? Oh shit daddy. A storm. I can't control the plane! This is isn't the same as in the cartoons. AAAAAAAAAARGH! Mummy, if you find the black box recording, I just want to say, your vegetable stew sucks.' CRUNCH. c) A man accidentally pressing the button on his television remote control which blows up his house. 'Oh goodie. Time for My Three Sons.' Click Boom. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? This week in quesion time we'll be doing what we do every other week in question time. Your letters, questions and blitherings are given a public forum for all Dead Pig readers, and if you want something to appear here send it to zarla@magna.com.au without delay! First two questions this week come from a Mister Bull. What an inventive name, ho ho ho! Q: I have no friends because I slaughtered them all mercilessly. What should I do? A: Get some enemies. Q: Who'd win in a fight between the Queen of England and one of the aliens out of "Aliens"? A: Hmm. Hmm. Um. Let's see, one is a superstrong killing machine, and one is a frail old woman. Let me think. Well I think the Queen would win, because the aliens aren't real. And also, the Queen has better legal representation. Next question is from two people who are known as Ste and Rup: Q: Please can you tell me how the 3 little pigs got killed by the wolf? Please answer as soon as possible. A: Answer as soon as possible? Okay. I'll get right on it. Now for a letter from someone who thinks they are called 'Brian': Dear Dead Piggy I'm heading off to Asstralia this weekend and I was wondering if I could have a piece of Bruce the Dead Piggy's stinking carcass to eat. I would really appreciate it. I am from Arkansas, home of the Arkansas Razorbacks. We say wooooo pig sooie at our basketball games. I just wanted to let you know that we mean no disrespect by this. Goodbye and good luck US: First, I know not whether that mispelling of 'Australia' up there is deliberate or not, but it is most unfortunate indeed. You are awarded one demerit point. No, you can not have a piece of Bruce to eat, because as mentioned in previous digests, this is a great honour and not handed out lightly. You would have to do something of great worth and import in order to constitute such a holey prize, such as destroy all heretic scum, or blow up a rainforest. Next letter comes from someone or other: Hello. My name is Mr. Goddamn-fumble-kerpoodle and I would like to be "subscribed" "to" "Dead Pig Digest". My "e-mail" "address" is Blowjob@hello.handsome.divine.brown By the way, I think you should put some stuff in your magazine about cats, Star Trek and hot chocolate. P.S. I am the Minister for Foreign Affairs and Trade. US: Okay, mister, you're subscribed. As for the next letter: Dear Dead Pig My problem is that all my friends think I'm a dirty communist totalitarian killjoy. What can I do (without resorting to violence) to persuade them that I'm just an ordinary, fun-loving, I-like-hot-chocolate-and-cats-and-Star-Trek kind of guy? -Dr. Mahatir Mohammad US: Hmm. There seems to be quite a bit of this hot chocolate, cats and Star Trek stuff going around at the moment. What you can do to persuade your friends that you are not a dirty communist totalitarian killjoy is to frequently make remarks such as 'My, isn't democracy wonderful', 'Goodness, I would hate to be a dirty communist totalitarian killjoy', and 'Die, rebel scum!' This will make you very popular. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE NEW COLUMN ABOUT CATS Well, cats are these little bugs that infest some areas of suburbia and scratch people. It is said that if a black cat walks in front of you, you should kick it in the gentalia and it won't do that again. Cats are infamous for eating catfood, which is made from whales and dolphins, a rapidly declining but worthless species when compared to ugly little furry balls of bad temper. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE NEW COLUMN ABOUT HOT CHOCOLATE Well, hot chocolate can be bought in exchange for currency in many cafes scattered about the world. It is slightly warmer than cold chocolate, and can be very painful to someone if you pour it on their lap, but this is justifiable by the fact that it is wildly funny. Something to keep in mind when ordering hot chocolate is not to speak backwards or it is very hard to be understood, except by the devil, and it is doubtful he will be your waiter. (And of course there is no devil anyway, only the Great Dead Pig Bruce!) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE NEW COLUMN ABOUT STAR TREK Well, the sci-fi televison program Star Trek has been around for quite some time, and looks as if is here to stay. The orginal Star Trek employed such tactics as corny scripts, cardboard aliens and women whose skirts were so short you'd wonder how they manage to keep their belly button hidden. The next Star Trek was called The Next Generation and was slightly more upmarket in design, and created the new catch phrases 'Engage' and 'Make it so' and 'There is an alien in my pants' which can be applied to many everyday situations. For example: BOY: I want a cookie. MOTHER: Engage. BOY: What? Then there was Deep Space Nine. This made up for having no characterisation, plot, sub-plot, story, excitement or stunning visuals by being on late at night. And finally we have Star Trek: Voyager, which has only just landed in Australia, but which looks to be very exciting indeed. The story is that a Federation Star Ship is transported across space billions of light years from home, into an unexplored sector of the universe. There they find that all aliens still speak perfect english and have bumpy foreheads. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's about all the time we have for this digest. Remember, if you have to kill someone, for gooness sakes don't be too serious about it. Have a nice time. ALL PRAISE THE DEAD PIG! -Now online and working . . . The Official Dead Pig Web Page http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/ *Now available: THE OFFICIAL DEAD PIG ANIMATION. *You COULD win an autographed Dead Pig T-shirt at the caption competition. And while you're surfing the web check out Dylan's Debut online debut album entitled "Everything Two Dollar" at http://uuscss.cs.su.oz.au/~dylan_b/album/ and you can listen to fantastic funny 'music' by me. Web pages with back issues: HTTP://WWW.SAFARI.NET/~SKY (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan (digests have been HTMLed) Dylan's home page: http://www.geopages.com/broadway/1969/ This document is copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. Hidden messages are seriously overrated. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you wish to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. If you don't want to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading DON'T SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. However, we promise that if you do join, you won't regret it.* *Possibly untrue -------------------------------------------------------------------------