_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #33 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: A nice blanket can | |oo| | wrap you up and keep you warm, but it's no | | -- | | substitute for a sub-machine gun when it comes | \______/ | to killing bunny rabbits. \----------/ In this issue: 1) The meaning of life 2) How to be completely happy 3) Five steps to world domination 4) How to make people fall in love with you 5) How to make a million dollars every two minutes 6) Solving the pollution and economic problems of the world 7) A bunch of lies BUT FIRST . . . Editorial Well Dead Pig Followers, it is with a most humble (and slimy) tongue, that I say this in repsonse the appalling lateness of Dead Pig Digest issue 33: 'Clark Kent was superman.' Yes, it has been a while, I grant you that. I also grant you that this publication is meant to be a weekly ezine, and not one that comes out every six weeks instead. I also grant you that Dylan and I are to blame for this lateness, and I also grant you that he and I very much intend to keep on working on Dead Pig for at least this issue. As a totally thankless and meaningless pastime, writing Dead Pig Digest is up there with our all time favourites, which include (in alphabetical, chronological order): 1) Making faces at people out of car windows So, it is our pleasure to bring you this issue finally, and say that we will be maintaining the quality of all out past issues. (i.e. this will be as crap as any.) Well, enough with the banter and humdrum, on with the digest! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ now with real fruit juice Hello, hello, and welcome again to Snoutline. I am your host, Bruce, the Dead Pig, and it gives me great pleasure to rub up against the legs of strangers. Ha ha ha, seriously though folks, you shouldn't knock it until you've tried it. At least five times. Anyway, yes. Welcome to Snoutline, the most up-to-date and creative interpretation of modern day happenings in this big old stagecoach of a society of ours. Yes, we are the ones with the accurate news and . . . stuff. Hello. 1) The new Prime Minister of Australia, Mister 'Howinky Dink' Howard, is annoyed at journalists for 'making up stupid nicknames' for him. Mister Howard (nickname: 'Howinky Dink') says the press should 'watch out' or else he will ban free speech entirely and become a facist dictator. We'd like to see you try, Howinky. In the true spririt of the opposition party, the labor leader, a Mister 'Drinky Poo' Beasley, said everything Howinky Dink says is a lie. Good one, Poo. There's one for the people. 2) Bill Clinton is a fuckwit. Try and censor that one, you big ugly fucko, you. 3) Sam got his Learner Licence plates a few days ago, which means he will be out on the roads causing annoying traffic conditions for other drivers, such as driving very slowly on freeways and getting drunk and killing pedestrians. He's such a joker. 4) Last week a person who closely matches the description of the Unabomber was found in Montana. He lived in a little 10 by 12 shack on a hill with no electricity, telephone or running water. The U.S. Authorities are having trouble convicting him because he is not in possesion of any hooded sweatshirts. 5) George Burns passed away about a month ago but there is still smoke rising out from the ground near his gravesite. You'd think he'd give up smoking those damn cigars sometime, wouldn't you. 6) A group of illegal aliens riding on the back of a pick up truck just north of the Mexican border in the U.S. were chased down and bashed repeatedly by U.S. police officers. If you ask me the only aliens which need to be bashed repeatedly are those guys from that "Third Rock from the Sun" TV show. 7) Beatlemania has returned for the third time in as many years with the release of their new album "Anthology 2" which features the singles "Real Love" and "Wonderwall". Oh no, hang on, that's not right! I keep having trouble telling the difference between Oasis and the Beatles. It's because there is no difference. 8) There has been a outbreak of Mad Cow Disease in Britain. Ha ha, sucked in pommies! Now we sell more Aussie beef to Europe! Sucked in! But seriously folks the death of three humans and one third of all cows in Britain is not a laughing matter. Yes it is! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Mad Cow Disease is proclaimed the funniest disease to hit the arteries since Disturbed Horse Virus. 9) I'm too tired to think up a number 9. 10) For Easter I got some high quality pens, you know gold plated and in a case. Oh, there's something I don't have, a writing implement. I can finally take up that hobby of learning to write that's I've always wanted to. Great! Thanks a lot! No one really wants a pen that cost $50, do they? Because if you lost it, you'd feel terrible. And if you left in your pocket and the ink stained your shirt, it cost so much, you'd to put it back in the pen. "No I can't wash the shirt, the ink is too valuable!". At least the shirt would be worth more money. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? If you have a question/query/letter to send to the Dead Pig Digest, zarla@magna.com.au is the place to mail. Love is beautiful thing. Our first letter this week comes from a man/boy/woman/girl/mad cow called Philip: Dear Dead Pig, Have you ever considered the possibility that Bruce might not actually be dead? He may just be pretending, waiting for you to let your guard down for just a second before leaping up, muscles rippling and bulging, in an ecstacy of rage, and tearing your head off to drink the warm blood as it spouts from the bloody stump where your cranium used to reside. It's a scary thought, I know, but I have had experience in this field before. There are two ways to test for complete deadness: 1) Set fire to the suspect, if you cannot observe any reaction, then it's safe to assume that he is dead, or 2) Shoot him in the side of the head. If he wasn't dead, then he probably is now. Thank you for your time. US: I'm sorry, are you suggesting that our religion may have been founded entirely on lies? That the Dead Pig Bruce, oh praise his salty hocks, is not truly dead? That we are simply making things up? I seriously question your faith, oh Philip. We would never make up religion, because what to people have to gain from that? Okay, sure. We could keep the people in fear under our command, force our morals on other people, start wars with anyone in the name of our god, and do anything we liked, but why? Why would we do that? Because it's fun. Next letter from a Cyric named person: Letter: This is a letter. A letter to the Dead Pig. A letter to the Dead Pig named Bruce. I wear pajamas. I do stuff. I am great. US: Response: This is a response. A response to a stupid letter. A response to a stupid letter from a stupid person called Cyric. I wear more tasteful pajamas. I do better stuff. I am greater. Some quick questions. First two from a tall midget called Brian: Q: What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? A: Choc chip. It's not very funny though, is it? Q: Why do birds sometimes run into windows? A: Because sometimes windows close to the ground and birds can get sick of flying everywhere. Next three questions from a very, very, very, very, very thingo person, Linsel, Master of Lemur Magic: Q: Is there life after death? A: I'm listening to the radio. Q: If I were to go to a milk bar and pee on the floor, what would happen? A: There's a song I don't like much playing. Q: Why do people act mean? A: It's okay, it's finished now. Now there's a funny ad, for window cleaning. I like it. It's catchy. It's attention grabbing. It's fresh, new, and innovative. Well, I hope that's helped clear things up for you. On with the next segment. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- After watching 'The Sound of Music' Bruce (after being violently sick) got into a songy mood, and here is what he wrote: MY FAVOURITE THINGS Acid rain, gangreene, and whiskers off kittens (use tweezers) Mustard gas, brain death and warm wollen mittens (only if you're wearing nothing else . . . hypothermia is funny to watch) Brown paper packages, tied up with string (on the subway) These are a few of my favourite things AIDS, malnutrition, car crashes and foot rot Viral infection, a young drowning tot Watch out for boiling oil, it's very hot Hung, drawn and quartered, I like it a lot! Starvation, cremation and slow litigation, Ritual sacrifice, no hand-eye cordination Cats inside packages tied up with string These are a few of my favourite things Safe sex and toothpaste and parachutes and brakes These are a few of the things that I hate! Lung cancer, bowel cancer, breast cancer, rabies Euthanasia, cot death, those poor wittle babies, awwwww Lepracy, bombs, and slow slow drownings, These are a few of my favourite things Infant mortality, abortion and war We've got to the stage where there ain't too much more . . . WRONG! Suicide, genocide, cyanide, beer Electrocution, persecution, retribution, fear Death, doom, destruction, disease, hate and 'clear'! Do, an deer, a female deer (blam blam blam!) Ray, a drop of golden sun (which can't get through the shield of pollution choking the earth) Me, a name I call myself (when I'm being formal, other times its 'sadistic bastard' or 'evil pric') Far, a long away to run (as demonstrated by many former locals of Hiroshama) So, a needle pulling thread (stitching up a gaping wound in a footballers head) La, a note to follow so (not much you can do with that one) Te, a drink with jam and bread (often spilled into the laps of hospital patients in traction) And that brings us back to do, do, do, do . . . Guns, knives, blades, bullets Sharks with wide jaws Homicidal madman holding chainsaws Overdose, poison and killer bee stings . . . Planes without wings . . . Power mad kings . . . Bloody stabbings . . . Public hangings . . . THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVOURITE THINGS!!! Just a few. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEWS FLASH: Torrential flooding in Melbourne by Roger Mancini There are reports of severe flooding in many parts of Melbourne after last night's torrential rain, which fell on most of Victoria and southern NSW. In the downpour almost twenty centimetres of water fell in two hours and the Yarra River burst its banks, flooding many of the lower lying suburbs and the river mouth, causing well over two hundred million dollars worth of damage to residential districts alone. The cost of damage to the various industrial plants around Port Phillip Bay is expected to be higher. The director of the Melbourne Zoo, Mr. Noah, is optimistic about the chances of survival of the animals, many of which had their cages flooded. He said today: "The Melbourne Zoo, being so low down geographically and being so close to the Yarra River has always had precautionary measures at hand; in this case a boat, constructed on dry land between the hippopotamus exhibit and the ladies' toilet, in which the animals are stored while flooding continues. The plan was for at least two of each species in the zoo, a male and a female, to be placed aboard at the first sign of rain and we are fairly sure we got most of them, but it's still to early to say." Animal rights groups have expressed their displeasure about animals being kept in such cramped conditions. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that seems to be all the time we have for this issue. Until next time, play safe and remeber that curiosity killed the cat, but a small rack can be employed to keep it to within an inch of its life for many days. It can then be released back into the world to try weakly to fend for itself on its gangley and useless legs. Ha ha ha! Much worse than bloody curiosity. Have a nice time. -Now online and working . . . The Official Dead Pig Web Page http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/ If you are using Netscape 2 you can view the Dead Pig Web Page with frames, and if you aren't you can view it normally. *Now available: THE OFFICIAL DEAD PIG ANIMATION. *You COULD win an autographed Dead Pig T-shirt at the caption competition. And while you're surfing the web check out Dylan's Debut online debut album entitled "Everything Two Dollar" at http://uuscss.cs.su.oz.au/~dylan_b/album/ and you can listen to fantastic funny 'music' by me. Web pages with back issues: HTTP://WWW.SAFARI.NET/~SKY (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan Dylan's home page: http://www.geopages.com/broadway/1969/ This document is copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you wish to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. If you don't want to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading DON'T SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. However we promise that if you do join, you won't regret it.* *Possibly untrue -------------------------------------------------------------------------