_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #31 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: Eating the lead | |oo| | out of pencils is bad for you, but we all | | -- | | gotta spoil ourselves every now and again. | \______/ | \----------/ Editorial Hail loyal subjects to his holiness almighty, the wondrous and omnisomething Bruce the Dead Pig! Nice to see all your shining, happy faces once again. Bruce is in a very good mood, thanks to the return of his favourite television show, Melrose Place, to Australian TV. He can hardly wait for Dylan and I to dig him up out of my garden each Tuesday, and he has taken to taping epsodes so he can watch them three or four hundred times. Well, on with the digest! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ now with real love Hello peoples, I'm Bruce the Dead Pig, and I'd like to welcome you to Snoutline, the news segment guaranteed to tell 100% true and important news stories. Maybe. 1) The third IRA bomb to go off in ten days has exploded in London, killing one and injuring eight others. We don't have anything to report, but I just felt like saying "Sinn Fein" over and over, because it sounds like an insult I would shout at other kids back when I was in kindergarden. Sinn Fein. Sinn Fein. Sinn Fein. 2) In Ancient History on Friday we learnt about China's Han Dynasty. It's very interesting ... they were the first people on Earth to use Woodblock Printing, Gun Powder, the Magnetic Compass and the Wheel Barrow. I guess you can say it was all Han made. Ha ha ha ha ha! 3) We asked an average person what their views are on the war in Bosnia: INTERVIEWER: What are your views on the war in Bosnia? AVERAGE PERSON: My views? INTERVIEWER: Yes. AVERAGE PERSON: What are me views on the war? INTERVIEWER: Yes. AVERAGE PERSON: In Bosnia? INTERVIEWER: Yes. AVERAGE PERSON: Sponge sponge sponge sponge . . . INTERVIEWER: You lied about being an average person, didn't you? AVERAGE PERSON: . . . sponge sponge sponge sponge . . . 4) Chinese people all around the globe set off fireworks to herald in the Chinese New Year, and lots of other people celebrated anyway as an excuse to get drunk. This year is the Year Of The Rat and for those of you who didn't know last year was the Year Of The Pig. I guess since last year is over, it is finished and dead. I, Bruce, think this is the best condition for pig to be in. 5) A movie about a talking pig, Babe, received 7 Academy Award Nominations. There is no joke here, I just thought you'd like to know. 6) The Australian Government is considering dropping certain subjects from years 11 and 12 in the coming years. Damn! There goes my hopes of becoming a successful ballet instructer. And my desires of studying sheep husbandry and eventually marrying a sheep of my dreams. Colsarn it! 7) A bus drove off a 35 metre cliff in New Zealand last weekend and exploded in a ball of fire. Miraculously there were no injuries, because all 34 occupants onboard died instantly. 8) There has been another outbreak of the Ebola, this time in a remote area on the Ivory Coast in Abidjan. 10 people who ate chimpanzee meat died late last week. Just because Pizza Hut delivers virtually everywhere and have low prices doesn't mean they really put ham on their ham and pineapple pizza, you guys. 9) World Chess Champion Garry Kasparov managed to beat a computer at a chess tornament in Pennsylvania Last Sunday. It's no real surprise because the computer was an IBM. Ha ha ha ha! 10) Death is found to be heriditary. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ______ | | | | | | _________ ~ | | / _______/ ~ \__|____|__/ | O O ~ 0--0 |\ |/ \ Australian Federal Election: March 2 / ||| |\ __\ ~ /__ ||| | | | Update ~ |ลลลลล\-/ | \----| Summary ~ *--|----\ | |_______| |______| That's right, the Australian Election is well under way with the second debate to occur this sunday night. The last debate drew more than 2.2 million viewers, which is most viewers channel nine has had since the premier of their hit series "Let's make the newsreader dizzy". Of course there was only ever was one episode because they spun the newsreader around so quickly his eye balls popped out of his head, his lungs exploded, his nose fell off, every joint in his body became dislocated and he unfortunately died. The following week, it's replacement "Let's make the newsreader slightly disoriented" failed to draw such a big following, but went on to win four logies for best dramatic acting: male, best dramatic acting: female, best dramatic acting: we are not sure of this persons sex and best childrens show. Anyway, opposition leader John Howard seems to be slipping behind in the polls as well as slipping over and tearing ligaments in his feet, as was seen Monday morning at a press conference. It appears that Howard is some sort of Magician from another dimension as he managed to pull $3 billion out of his magical hat for shovelling out to families in greater quantites than the State Lottery. At a radio interview he forgot many key points about his own budget promises, as when radio presenter John Laws asked him "Now, tell us about your budget promises" John Howard replied with "Hello. What are you doing in my kitchen, Santa?" Meanwhile, current Prime Minister Paul Keating seems to be doing nothing except dressing up in normal clothes and talking about how after the election he will drop his pants for no apparent reason. Meanwhile, the Australian Democrats officially adopted the slogan "Keep The Bastards Honest", which was toned down from (all naughty words censored due to new U.S. Law) "F###'n Vote For Us, You Mother F###er's Or We'll Come Round To Your House With Our Gang And Split Your F###'n Head Open With An Axe The Size Of A Small Bus And Fill It Full Of Your Own S###!!!". Who will win the election? I don't want it to look as though I'm taking sides here, but I hate Howard, and Keating will definetly win or I'll happily knaw off my own leg and sell it to African Game Hunters for $100,000 claiming it is Ivory from an elephant or some other creature which has ivory tusks. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Yes, a forum for readers of Dead Pig to send things in to. Please send all letters and questions do zarla@magna.com.au, along with half your annual income (not tax deductable). Our first letter this week comes from a guy/gal who is called Philip. Dear Pig People, Doesn't Bruce ever get bored, what with being buried in your back yard all the time, and only occasionally getting let out to watch Melrose Place? Does he ever go out to any public places i.e. discos, cinemas, Jujitsu tournaments, brothels, strip bars, heavy metal concerts, etc? -Phil US: Remember that while Bruce is physically buried in my back yard, his soul is free to roam the world as look upon all his loyal subjects. If ever we took Bruce to a disco, I'm sure the only thing he'd be good at would be doing a break down. In fact, the Dead Pig is constantly breaking down. Next letter is from our good friend and hated enemy, Rob: Dear Dead Pig, I've heard some people state that Bruce is not actually dead, but is only comatose, or in suspended animation, or perhaps just a bit sleepy. How should I respond? -Rob Bert US: You should respond in the fasion of a true religious fanatic, by manually intestinating those stupid, ignorant people who doubt Bruce's true Deadness. Next letter from Douglas, or as he prefers to be known, Douglas: Dear Dead Pig, As I would be most honoured to view the showing of Lost Labours of Love starring your High Grand Priest, Sam, and as I currently live in an entirely different country, and as there seems to be a most inconvenient ocean separating myself and the wondrous showing of Louie's Last Lover, and as I would be most honored to see this fine production of Look, Listen, Learn, (or did I already mention that?) I would be most honouured if you would see fit to call upon your great powers and bestow in me at least temporarily the ability to walk upon water. My most humble gratitude to you for graciously listening to my request. Please respond by five o'clock, Wednesday. -Doug^H^H^H^HFred US: Okay, the gift of water walking is yours. Go and take a jump off your nearest pier. Oh, one thing you should know though, you should tie very heavy rocks to your feet or wear concrete shoes before attempting this, as water is very slippery to walk on, and these will help you keep your balance. By the way, you didn't say which Wednesday, so I am assuming you were just referring to Wednesdays in general, in which case this will definetely reach you before your next Wednesday. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's about all we have time for this week. Remember, always look both ways before crossing the street. Yes, up and down. Until next time, may your lives be filled with wealth and happiness and liberty and love and justice and all those types of worldy pleasures. Have a nice time. ALL EAT THE TOE JAM OH HIS MAGNIFICENCE, BRUCE THE DEAD PIG! -Now online and working . . . The Official Dead Pig Web Page http://gco.apana.org.au/~snrub/ If you are using Netscape 2 you can view the Dead Pig Web Page with frames, and if you aren't you can view it normally. Now available: THE OFFICIAL DEAD PIG ANIMATION. Don't forget to fill out the survey when you visit! Check it out, man. Web pages with back issues: HTTP://WWW.SAFARI.NET/~SKY (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan Dylan's home page: http://www.geopages.com/broadway/1969/ This document is copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you wish to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. If you don't want to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading DON'T SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. However we promise that if you do join, you won't regret it.* *Possibly untrue -------------------------------------------------------------------------