X-POP3-Rcpt: snrub@gco Date: Tue, 13 Feb 1996 19:20:40 +1100 Mime-Version: 1.0 To: (Recipient list suppressed) From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #30 _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #30 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: Boiling plastic, when | |oo| | poured all over someones face, often hardens into | | -- | | a funny looking mask. | \______/ | \----------/ In this issue: 1) This issue Editorial Hello again, and welcome to Dead Pig Digest #30! Yes, although we at Dead Pig contemplated pretending to be 29 for ever, we eventually decided against it, and so here we are, at the big three zero. Yes sir, Dead Pig is growing up. Sorry for the lateness for this issue, and like I've mentioned (or have I?) before, we are extremely busy at the moment, and so most digests for a while will be late. Although this will lead to many of you attempting to garot yourselves with barbed wire, I don't care. I (Sam) had my opening night last Saturday night of the play Love's Labours Found, which is at PACT Theatre in Sydney if any of you guys out there in reader land want to come and see me perform. If you do, don't forget to say hello to me after the show. Many of you may be using the excuse that you won't be able to come and see me because you're another country, but that's not good enough I'm afraid. One who was true to the Dead Pig would always find a way to see one of his Grand High Priests perform. Anyway, enough of this, let's get on with the digest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------- | | | The Australian Election | Up to the minute news update! | continues ... | | | ------------------------- 1) The 'Official Debate' between Prime Minister Paul Keating and Opposition Leader John Howard occurred on National TV on Sunday night, and once again the worm returned. For those of you who don't know what the worm is, they put some people in a room who watch the debate (I believe they have to chain them down and inject them with Caffeine just to make them watch it) and they hold a dial that they twist towards whichever guy they prefer at a certain time and the overall performance gives an up-to-the-second graph on the TV screen like such... Keating Prefered________________________________ ____ / | ___ ___ / | ____/ \ \ ______/ | / \_____ \______/ |____/ Howard Prefered_________________________________ | | | | | | | | | | | Keating gains preference At this point it is neutral when he discusses his | | | | plans for a republic | | | | At this point Howard says he is going to cut taxes and is prefered by the audience | | | At this point Howard says he may sell Telecom and Keating gains a bit | | Keating slowly gains preference as he talks of what he plans to improve in the health care system | Keating then tells he plans to finance the health care reform by selling 1 in 5 people to the Japanese for scientific experiments etc... etc... etc... Anyways, you get the idea. Anyways, we hooked up a simular device to some readers of Dead Pig Digest, and here's the results ... Dead Pig is funny________________________________ _ \ \ \ Dead\Pig is not funny_____________________________ \ As you\ can see there was probably some sort of error, as Dead Pig is very\ funny, ISN'T IT? (Correct answer: Yes). It's our readers that are wrong.An\yways, on with our report on the election... \ The Debate\ on Australia becoming a republic is continuing with Prime Minister Pa\ul Keating determined to make Australia seperate from England by the year \2000, while Li'l opposition leader Johnny Howard wants to keep Australi\a part of the British commonwealth and retain our old flag. Might I add th\at this worm graph is getting very annoying and I want it turned off righ\t NOW! \ \ \ \ Thank you. As I was saying John Howard wants to keep Australia's current flag and Paul Keating seems determined to change it. We here at Dead Pig are only in favour of a change to the flag if it becomes ... _________________________________ | _ _ | | | |______| | | | | | | | | X X | | | | \ / | | | | |oo| | | | | | -- | | | | | \______/ | | | \----------/ | |________________________________| "Salve, imperium ad Dead Pig - Jig a Jig Jig" THE END of this report -------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE RAIN IN SPAIN A new column . . . . . . about . . . 'FROGS' This week on 'News Report' we focus on those small green animals commonly known as 'Grasshoppers'. That's right, 'Buses' on 'The World of Music'. But before we start talking about 'Walking Sticks' on 'Gondwanaland's Most Wanted' this week, let us pause for a few words by way of introduction: THE EPILOGUE Thanks for joining us at 'Romantic Holidays' this week for our special report on 'The Lemming Hordes'. Join us next week on 'Gourmet Beer Drinking' for a topical issue, 'How to Serve Your King Faithfully'. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- QUIZ: Are you a homicidal maniac? Take this quiz and find out. 1) You're walking down the street, and you see a little cafe. You feel a bit like drinking a milk shake, and so you enter the cafe. You sit at a table, and eventually a waiter comes up to you. He says 'What can I get you sir?' Do you: a) Say: 'I would like a chocolate milk shake please.' b) Say: 'I would like a strawberry milk shake please.' c) Chop him in the face repeatedly with a blunt axe. 2) You decide you would like to visit the shopping mall. The thing you take with you is: a) Money b) Credit card c) Chainsaw 3) You become a nanny for the children in a wealthy family. Do you: a) Become friends with them and enjoy a good job for a long time on high pay. b) Be strict but kind. c) Wait until you build up the families trust over a period of time, and then secretly plot to kill them in inventive and disgusting ways. 4) Your best friend of many years comes up to give you a big hug. Do you: a) Return the big hug, smiling and saying 'I love you, you're my best friend.' b) Slap him on the back and buy him a drink. c) Scream 'get away from me, you filthy pervert!' and punch him until his face becomes a bloody pulp. SCORING: If you answered mainly a) or b) then you are behave fairly normally. If you answered c) at all, you are obviously insane, violent and compulsive, and just the kind of person we welcome to subscribing to the Dead Pig Digest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Reader questions, letters, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc (etc etc) The first, I suppose you could call them questions if you were using the term very loosely, come from Nathan, Secret Ruler of the Internet. Q: The voices in my head won't shut up! Help me, oh Great Dead Pig! HELP!!! A: Please don't use multiple exclamation marks, it bugs me. As for the voices in your head, do everything they tell you to do and they will go away.* *Maybe. Q: Yesterday I tried to kill the ants in my arm with a butcher knife. This didn't work. What is a more effective way of killing them? I already tried enjecting bug spray in my arms. A: Hmm. I would suggest sticking your arm in boiling water for a few hours. That should hopefully eradicate them. Q: How did Bruce decide on the shape of the banana? A: Fish. Q: When was the banana invented? A: Did I mention I was in a play? I am. It's called Love's Labours Found. At PACT Theatre. Come see it. Hello. Dear Mr Pig, I have been invited to a "Lynch Someone of Cultural Difference" party by a girl I am really fond of but I have a suspicion that she isn't interested in me as a person, and that the only reason she asked me to come to the public stoning-whipping-hanging, is that I am very well endowed. What should I do? -Mr Rex Mossop US: Well, Mr Mossop, I think the thing to do would be to go to the party and enjoy the cruel destruction of a lesser human being, and if anything happens between you and this girl, just be yourself. If she doesn't like that, just point to her and yell 'NEXT VICTIM!' I'm sure the angry mob will oblige. Hi! I think your country is neat. Is it really summer there? Is it night-time there? What day of the week is it? Do people stand on their heads, or do they walk upside down? What if your country sank in the ocean? Would anyone notice? Haha, probably not. What a cute country! Your friend, Doug^H^H^H^HBob US: No comment. I should probably stand up for our country and be patriotic, but I can't be bothered. You Americans probably wouldn't understand anyway. Ha ha ha! Prejudice is a funny old thing, isn't it. Hey, is that a gunman in your garden? Made you look! Ha ha ha! Hey, is that a gang war in your street? Ha ha ha! Hey, are those homeless people you're wading through? Ha ha ha! Whoops, better go and blow your budget on your defence bill! Better make some nucleaur bombs! Look out for those commies! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! If you want to send us something at Dead Pig, please post it to zarla@magna.com.au! Act today and you might win a holiday to anywhere in the world, with unlimited spending money! Yes, you might! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The President of the United States, Fatso, signed a "Communications Decency Act" last week which, when it comes into effect will place many restrictions and considerably reduce "Free Speech" on the internet. In protest almost 2000 Web Pages made their background black, which might I add seemed to do very little but bring it into the Mass Media's attention. But that's all they wanted it to do. Sorry if you don't find it very funny, but if any of you have read the George Orwell classic "1984", the frightening novel about the government monitoring everyone's thoughts ... OR for those of you who are very uncultured, the Halloween Episode of the Simpsons where Flanders is the president of the world and monitors what everyone says and labotomises them, there's nothing to worry about because it's not quite to that point YET, but to make sure it doesn't voice your support today! Contact the Centre (or Center if you are North American) for Democracy and Technology at ... CDT's Net-Censorship Issues Page -- http://www.cdt.org/cda.html Information about the Protest -- http://www.cdt.org/speech.html or Yahoo's Links about Net censorship and the Protest http://mirrors.yahoo.com/eff/speech.html or E-mail Fatso and tell him what you think about it! president@whitehouse.gov --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Anyway, that's about all we have this issue. Remember, a bird in the hand can make a mess of your sleeve. Until we meet again, have a nice time. ALL HAIL HIS MAGNIFICENCE, THE GREAT DEAD PIG! Web pages if you need 'em: HTTP://WWW.SAFARI.NET/~SKY (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan Dylan's home page: http://www.geopages.com/broadway/1969/ This document is copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. Swamiji is coming. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you wish to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. If you don't want to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading DON'T SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. However, if you do join, you won't regret it.* *Possibly untrue -------------------------------------------------------------------------