_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #29 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: The fastest way to | |oo| | a man's heart is through his stomach, but the | | -- | | messiest is through his foot. | \______/ | \----------/ In this issue 1) This issue Editorial Hi, faithful subscribers to the incredibly brilliant and wonderful Dead Pig Digest, now in it's 29th cycle of production. Sorry for the lateness of this issue, but I've been very busy rehearsing play I'm in, doing twelve hour days, and writing is the last thing you feel like doing at after rolling in the door at eleven o'clock. (I always roll in my door, rather than walk through. It pays to be individual.) Anyway, enough blab, let's get on with this thing. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________ | || BRUCE'S || || || || | || SUMMER MOVIEs || || || | || || ||SUMMARY || || |_____||_____||_____||_____||_____||_____|| ------------------------------------------- Instead of reviewing one movie this week, we review all the big movies out this southern hemisphere summer. Goldeneye In my honest opinion the new James Bond movies strays to far off the formula. I just mean he never used to run catch phrases into the ground, have sex with every woman he saw and fight the Russians. It just doesn't work! Pierce Brosnan, known by those in the trade as an 'actor', is the star as 007, and only has two facial expressions. These are 'emotionless' and 'non-comittal'. Bushwhacked We need more intellectually stimulating movies such as this! Waiting to Exhale Four African American women live in their fantasy world of no men! We don't want you either Whitney, now leave us alone! (Warning: There is not enough violence in this movie.) Toy Story This, the first fully computer animated full length feature film, will be a milestone for years to come. That's right ... it's the first Tom Hanks movie in which he does not have a stupid catchphrase, like "Box of Chocolates" or "Houston, we have a problem". In fact, "Houston, we have a problem" is what all of Whitney Houston's fans said after seeing "Waiting to Exhale" and discovering how much is sucks! Money Train This movie wins the Dead Pig Award for 1995's movie with funniest title. Seven Just to think ... a few months ago, you would never hear the words "Brad Pitt" and "entertaining movie" in a sentence together unless the words "is not in an" was between them. And now with the thriller, "Seven", you still don't. Would be a really good movie if not for the actors, plot, story, and music. The violence is quite funny though. The American President Personally, I think the movie would have been ten times better if the it had been about 'The Australian Prime Minister'. Father of the Bride part 2 It was dumb. Mortal Kombat Proof that if you have a big enough budget, no plot is necessary. Johnny Mnemonic See 'Mortal Kombat'. Ace Ventura 2: When Nature Calls Jim Carey proves again and again that the words 'allllllllllrighty then' are funny even after he has said them about a hundred times. Operation Dumbo Drop Denis Leary is in a Disney movie ... the end of the world is nearer than we think. Babe This is that movie about a talking pig. I cried when Farmer Hoggit didn't shoot Babe in that scene in the shed. He was so close, I thought for a moment Dead Pig Digest could have a new mascot instead of Bruce. A lot of people in the U.S. have gone to rent this movie on video from their local video shop, but have accidently rented a different movie titled "Babe" about Baseball Legend, Babe Ruth. Many claim they made the mistake because both the video covers have a picture of a fat, ugly pig on them. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ten Fun Things To Do 1) Offer to help an old lady across a large road, then run away when you're halfway across. 2) Get you and all your friends to ring up suicide help lines to block the phone lines. 3) Go to a funeral and laugh at the mourners until they chase you. 4) Dress up as a priest and visit devout catholics. Snigger whenever they talk about their beliefs. 5) Kick a drunk in the park in the head. 6) Grow scabs. 7) Push people in wheelchairs down stairs. 8) Carefully put a watermelon pip up the nose of a snoring person, and wait for it to get snorted up. Repeat as many times as you like. 9) Put itching powder into a hospital's air conditioning system. 10) Get a friend to subscribe to the Dead Pig Digest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- _________ ~ ---- / _______/ ~ \__|____|__/ | O O ~ 0--0 |\ |/ \ Australian Federal Election: March 2 / ||| |\ __\ ~ /__ ||| | | | Who will win? ~ |ลลลลล\-/ | \----| Who cares? ~ *--|----\ | |_______| |______| That's right on March 2nd 1996, an election will take place which will decide whether Paul Keating (left) will continue on as Prime Minister, or if long haired, crazy, smoking, hat wearing, facial hair growing, hippy and Opposition Leader, John Howard (right) will take over the thrown. No one can be sure at this point in time. But if that moron Paul Keating gets in again I'll more than eat my hat! At Dead Pig Digest, we promise unbiased up to the minute reports about both the candidates, including that drunked, two timing, bald scumbag who's our current prime minister. And who are we tipping to win ... well we have our money on the Shooters Party. "Free guns for all!!! Kill more people!!"" That's our best bet. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAD PIG PRESENTS ... A REPORT ABOUT ... \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / _____\ / \ / \/ / \/ \/ /\ \____ /\ /\ / \ \ UPERBOWL / \ / \ ____/ \ / \ / \ / \ / \ That's right, Superbowl 30 kicked off late in the afternoon on the 28th of January, and I don't know who won because I don't follow the NFL. But I do know this ... I feel ripped off because there is no bowl at all! (What a stupid joke.) And that's all I know about American Football. Oh, I do know the Quarterback gets payed more than a quarter, and the ball used to be made out of a dead pig. In other sports related news ... summer is almost over which means no more tennis and cricket on ALL the TV channels, ALL the time!! YAAAAY! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Yes indeed, time for questions, letters, and things like that. If someone out there would like to send in something to question time, then whack it to zarla@magna.com.au. Okay, let's get on with things. This week we feature only the questions of a subscriber who seems to call himself Byron. Q: If the Dead Pig is dead, how can it do anything besides rot? A: Next question please. Q: What is death anyway? A: Death is a state easily reached in a number of ways, i.e. pointing a loaded gun at your head and pulling the trigger, inserting a samurai sword into your chest, paper cutting yourself thousands of times, walking into a threshing machine, dabbing yourself with blood and stepping into a lion's cage, hiding in a refridgerator, taking a vacation on Mururoa Atoll, and a multitude of other ways. I know a spelt Mururoa wrong, but hey, otherwise I'd have to go look it up in a newspaper or something, and I can't be bothered. Q: What is life? A: The condition which distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic objects and dead organisms. The distinguishing manifestations of life are: growth thought metabolism, reproduction, and the power of adaption to environment through changes originating internally. Hey, you asked. Q: When will I get the next Dead Pig Digest? A: A little while after I send it out. Q: Will you please send me the other 26 Dead Pig digests? A: Hmm let me think about it no. Q: If the Dead Pig got tapeworms, would the worms live, or would they become the Dead Tapeworms, feeding off of the Dead Pig? A: The Dead Pig already has a large collection of tape worms in his rather leaky intestines of which he is very proud, but they're quick diseased, although not dead. Q: Is it wrong to eat the Dead Pig if I am really hungry? A: What a stupid question. If the Dead Pig actually granted you the honour of biting a chunk out of his butt, I doubt your continued survival. Only the truly virtous, like myself and Dylan, The Grand High Priests, can pass the Eating Dead Pig Eating Test. Many who try die in the attempt, others mutate, and others just curl up slowly on the floor gripping their stomachs. Some can't even get the stinking, fetid flesh past their lips. Well, that's about it for this weeks digest. Remember, Dead Pig Digest is like a malignant tumor. It grows on you. Until next week, adios. Have a nice time. ALL SLURP AT THE HOCKS OF THE DEAD PIG! Web pages if you need 'em: HTTP://WWW.SAFARI.NET/~SKY (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan Dylan's home page: http://www.geopages.com/broadway/1969/ This document is copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. So End Crusty Ragged Enchildas To Mister Eggnog So So And Gargoyle Especially ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you wish to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. If you don't want to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading DON'T SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. However, if you do join, you won't regret it.* *Possibly untrue -------------------------------------------------------------------------