_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #28 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: Famine, disease, war | |oo| | and death. It's a funny old world. | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ In this issue: 1) First half 2) Second half Editorial Well hello, loyal followers of the Dead Pig. We're finally back, so you can all start to breath again. Bet you missed us. Hope you missed us. The Dead Pig wouldn't be very happy if you didn't miss us, would he, noooooo. Anyway, I had a nice holiday, if your definition of a nice holiday is 'really hot in the car while driving up there, really rainy and miserable for two weeks, then really hot in the car on the way home. And also, the house has no dryer, even though it said it did in the advert. And also, the video works fine if you enjoy watching actors that look like reflections from a house of those wobbly fun mirrors, while complexions of static.' Oh well, we still went swimming every day when there weren't giant killer jellyfish washed inshore by freezing cold offshore breezes. At least we got to eat homemade marshmallows. Burnt homemade marshmallows. And blow me down with a feather, or a shotgun (use your personal preference), if it isn't a new year! Yes, that's right, 1996! And I know that a lot of people only see this as making them one year older, but I think that's the wrong attitude. You should think of it as being one less year until you die! Hahahaha! (I have a feeling I may have used this joke before, but I can't be bothered going back through the 27 other Dead Pig Digests to find out.) Ahem. Well, enough of this, let's get on with the digest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ with Bruce the Dead Pig Yes, welcome back to Snoutline. I'm your host, Bruce the Dead Pig, and it gives me great pleasure to sit on a pole. Sorry, it gives me great pleasure to see all your smiling, happy faces back with us again. At least, I hope they're smiling and happy. I wouldn't be very pleased if someone out there wasn't fully appreciating the life they owe to me, the Great Dead Pig. Anyway, here's the ten most important news happenings this week: 1) Trouble off the coast of Western Australia, as a giant pink sea serpent terrorises a town populated mainly by mental patients prone to group hysteria and hallucinations. No scientific confirmation as of yet. 2) A new kind of medicine has hit the market, so the market is bruised. Sorry about that apalling joke. 3) Shock and horror as a man dives to his death off a 100m cliff face. Leading psychiatrists describe the act as being 'suicidal' and 'funny'. 4) A new type of medicine has hit the market, which apparently cures colds, but has the unpleasant side effect and causing blocked sinuses, headaches and sneezing. 5) There will be no number five today. 6) World War Two is over. Fans wait eagerly for the sequel. 7) This frightening figure was released today from the bureau of statistics: 50% 8) Dylan has gone to an IT (information technology) camp, and left Sam all by himself to manage Dead Pig Digest. Sam is bitter and resentful and thinks he might express post Dylan an explosive device. And it wouldn't be the first time either. 9) There will be no number five today. 10) A maniac with a chainsaw has been spotted walking through a shopping centre, or a shopping mall as our quaint American subscribers might say. The maniac has not harmed anyone yet, but police are still hopeful. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dead Pig proudly presents a brand new one part article, entitled ... DEAD PIG'S TOP TEN NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS 1) I will read my baby nephew cot death statistics before putting him to bed. 2) I will tie the walking frames of old women to speeding trucks. 3) I will cultivate more maggots. 4) I will grow more brown smelly fungus on my inner thigh. 5) I will release more feral cats into the wild where they can destroy native wildlife. 6) I will lock epileptics in strobe light factories. 7) I will engineer more prison breakouts. 8) I will authorise nestles to mix in cocaine with their baby milk. 9) I will re-introduce slavery. 10) I will be more polite. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Yes indeed, time for questions, letters, and things like that. If someone out there would like to send in something to question time, then whack it to zarla@magna.com.au. Okay, let's get on with things. Dear Mr Pig, I would like to know what type of thing they put in those big brown raffia-work basket-like containers, the ones with red bits on the handles. Can you help me? -Pierre McSchneider Bruce: No. Dear Dead Pig I really want to stich out in society too but can't find the bit that says 'Open other side' on my plastic milk containers. Please help me as I'm contemplating hanging myself up by the balls due to the frustration. -Darren ... all hail the rotting one Bruce: Well, you already 'stich' out in society, because you're the only person who spells stick like that, but as for the milk containers I don't think I'll tell you because I would quite enjoy seeing you hung up by your balls. It would make me laugh. Dear Dead Pig I was going through some back issues and I read your hilariously funny and revolting 'pus' poem. But then it suddenly struck me that none of the people who have recently subscribed will have heard it. I think you should reprint it every week, so that this is not the case. -Lee Harvey Oswald Dead Pig: Well . . . maybe just this once, since I'm kinda strapped for ideas today, and still need to fill up about half the digest: A POEM ABOUT PUS (repeat) Pus, pus, wonderful pus How much can you devour? Yellow and sloppy Slippy and slidey Stick a straw in an open wound, and slurp away Yum, yum, pus in my tum Grow a supply of zits And have a self serve thickshake Crispy if dried out in the sun Crunch, crunch, crunch Use it as a dip with scabs Mmm, mmm, mmm Is there anything quite as good as pus? I think not --------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOW TO ANNOY PEOPLE A basic set of rules to start you off as written by the reknowned Professor of Irritableness, Dr Riiiiii Hiiiiii Biiiiiiii (proud owner of the worlds most annoying name). Method #1: Annoying people at a party In the course of my travels I have found one sure-fire way to really tick someone off and keep everyone else laughing at the same time. This brilliant way of annoying people was first developed by one Frotz Caholic of Rome, who tried it out one day on the current emperor of the day. The method was a roaring success, and Frotz was fed to the lions. For this method you will need a hammer and a long nail. Making sure you have these implements concealed about your person in a place where they can easily be reached. Wait until you see someone leaning on a table, against a wall etc. and sneak up behind them. While they aren't looking take your hammer and nail and, trying to be quiet and as gentle as possible, nail their hand to the table. Make sure the nail is in firmly. Hilarious results will soon follow. If you have chosen to nail your victim to a heavy table or wall, when they try to move they will find themselves restricted. When they discover the cause of their restriction they will be very upset and will have to send for a pair of pliers. On the other hand, if you have chosen to nail them to a light table, they may move away and not notice, dragging the table with them. This becomes funnier and funnier as they walk around with a table attached to their hand, wondering what on earth everyone is finding so funny. More advaced usage of this method include; Nailing more than one person to each table. Nailing more than one table to each person. Method #2: How to Annoy Banks First set up a powerful business empire and establish your credibility. Then borrow a huge amount of money from a bank. Then sell off all your businesses. Then burn all your money. Then run away. Method #3: How to Annoy a Dodo It's already been done. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A SHORT QUIZ Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant? A: A mutant. THE END --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A SLIGHTLY LONGER QUIZ Q: What is it that you will get if you were to cross a kangaroo with an elephant? A: A mutant. THE END --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's about it for this digest. Remember, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but only if you have very good aim. Until next time, farewell, and have a nice time. ALL HAIL THE GREAT AND MIGHTY DEAD PIG! Web pages if you need 'em: HTTP://WWW.SAFARI.NET/~SKY (Dead pig shrine) http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan Dylan's home page: http://www.geopages.com/broadway/1969/ This document is copyright 1996 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. OPERATION 'DESERT LIGHT CLOUDY PATCHES' ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you wish to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. If you don't want to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading DON'T SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. However, if you do join, you won't regret it.* *Possibly untrue -------------------------------------------------------------------------