X-POP3-Rcpt: snrub@gco Date: Thu, 28 Dec 1995 18:49:12 +1100 Mime-Version: 1.0 To: (Recipient list suppressed) From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #27 _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #27 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: The bad thing about | |oo| | drinking, smoking and taking drugs while driving is | | -- | | that you run out of hands and have to steer with | \______/ | your feet. \----------/ In this issue: 1) Things Editorial Hello there, happy and joyful followers! How are you on this fine day? The sun is shining, the birds are singing, although my shotgun will soon fix that, and a warm breeze is blowing over the land. This is in Australia of course, and we'd like to extend a big cheery HA HA HA to all our subscribers who live in countries with very cold climates, and here is a special message to the boys who live in these places: We hope your testicles shrink down to the size of grapes! Ha ha ha! No, just kidding, of course! Ha ha ha! Anyway, I would like to apologise for a mistake I made last week when sending off Dead Pig last week. Yes, you probably noticed this mistake yourself. Silly old me, I forgot to supress the addresses in the 'to' field when emailing out Dead Pig, and so you all got a complete list of the subscribers! Which boosted the document from being about 12 k to being about 18 k! I bet you were all pleased about that, huh? Sure you were! Ha ha ha! Ahem. Anyway, enough bananas, I mean sillyness. As some of you are probably aware, it is now holiday season, and I(Sam) am going away for two weeks to a really sunny beachy place, and so won't be able to send out Dead Pig Digest for that time. I realise this will be hard for many of you to cope with, and some of you will stop eating, mutilate yourselves, go criminally insane etc, since you know that there is no Dead Pig in the mailbox for you for two weeks, but I say to you: Patience is a virtue greatly rewarded, my children. The Dea¶ Pig smiles down on those who possess it. (Note: Normally, those who the Dead Pig smiles down upon get dribbled on to a great extent. I suggest patient people should take jars with them so they can collect the Dead Pig's spit in them for later use/consumption.) Anyway, on with the digest! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ ÆÆÆ Attack of Big Dog ÆÆÆÆ ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ Æ The column whose title Æ Æ sounds interesting but Æ Æ delivers very little...Æ ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ On "Attack of Big Dog" this week we reveal the five Mexican dishes officially rejected by the manager of "Rancho El Foodo" Mexican Restaurant after their chef suggested they add them to the menu. 1) Tortilla del Amigos Your closest friends are fried and served in a soft corn bread. 2) Taco del Taco A Taco with another taco inside. 3) Burrito a la saliva A Burrito which the chef himself spat in. 4) Chilli Con Alley Surprise A Mexican style stew containing pinto beans, tomatoes and whatever the chef found in the alley. 5) Nachos del muchos rancho Corn chips served with a dip which contains many things taken from local construction sites. Join "Attack of Big Dog" next week as we continue to attempt comedy ... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A NICE POEM Note: The following poem is rated MA(Mature Audiences of 15+) for it contains graphic descriptions of acts of violence, hetero/gay sex, drug use, animal copulation, necrophilia, child abuse, high level coarse language, adult themes and toilet humour ... There once was a guy called Dan Who was a very, very nice man Until one day On the seventh of May He kicked in the head of his mother, screwed his girlfriend, screwed his best friend Frank, injected some herion into his arm with a needle, committed bestiality with his chihuaha, went to the graveyard and dug up a dead person who he slept with, smacked about the young children in the kindergarten, said 'Fuck!', dabbled in politics and then did a big smelly fart. THE END APOLOGY: We apologise for the highly offensive line in that poem, 'Until one day'. If anyone out there was offended by that line, please tell us, as we cannot change ourselves to suit you if people do not give us feedback. On the other hand, get stuffed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ANOTHER NICE POEM World peace, world peace Let us feed the starving and clothe the poor Care for the sick and the aged Be nice to your parents Be thankful for this world we live in Treat women as equals All races are the same on the inside, and that's what counts Gays are normal people too Save the rainforests and the environment NOTE: Repeat this poem to yourself under your breath all day every day, and you will go mad. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Well, lazy people, we didn't get any questions this week, so Dylan and I are gonna have to use made up questions. Isn't it strange that we have the 180 people on our mailing list who already know everything? Dear Dead Pig I am feeling depressed. I am twenty and have never had a real relationship with anyone. My mother and father ignored me most of the time. My sister got all the attention because she was an only child. My teachers weren't interested in my grades. My girlfriend only knows be by my pen name. The closest relationship I've ever had, to a living thing, is with my pet cat, Frig. I have a feeling he's only using me for my body, though. What should I do? -Gerald 'Notexistant' Bligh US: Buy a gun. Next letter please. Dear Dead Pig -Johnny 'Notarealperson' Smithy US: Well Johnny, next time you write us a letter, remember to include a letter. Dear Dead Pig I have noticed recently that your digest has contained several references to violence as well as detailed descriptions of violent acts. What's Bruce's favourite flavour of snapple? -Bill 'Notalive' Clark US: We will now push a steel pole through your abdomen, and twist. Hee hee hee. Dear Dead Pig STOP IT! -Distiguishable Tabletop US: You see what you have reduced us to, readers? What a stupid made-up letter. Let's get away from this place. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- MR WONG Okay guys, here is a video thing Dylan and I wrote for our video drama workshops. It actually made it onto film, with me(Sam) playing the wonderful Mr Wong. We now bring you the transcript of Mr Wong: Scene: Mr Wong is in the kitchen cooking Man: Mr Wong, what are you cooking? Mr Wong: Your wife Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Scene: Mr Wong in the backyard watering plants Man: Gee Mr. Wong your plants look so healthy! How do you keep them looking so good? Mr Wong: I use a very special fertilizer. Man: What's in it Mr. Wong? Mr Wong: The blood and bones of your dead relatives whom I killed. Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Scene: Mr Wong is in the bathroom, washing his hands Man: Gee, Mr Wong, why are you washing your hands? Mr Wong: Because I have just murdered the cat. Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Scene: Mr Wong is walking down the street with a gun. Man: Gee, Mr Wong, where are you going at this time in the morning? Mr Wong: I'm going to spray bullets at a busload of private school kids. Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Scene: Mr Wong is sitting at the back of a rave party. Man: What on special tonight Mr Wong? Mr Wong: Well, it's a new designer drug just hitting the streets from Bangkok. Man: What is it Mr Wong? Mr Wong: The rotting corpse of your mother Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Scene: Mr Wong is in a resteraunt eating with his wife. Man: Gee Mr Wong and Mrs Wong I didn't expect to see you eating out on a Monday night. Mr Wong: It's a very special occasion. Man: What's that Mr. Wong? Mr Wong: We have just beheaded the last of my wife's family. Everyone: Ha ha ha ha ha! (Mr and Mrs Wong toast champagne glasses.) Mr Wong is looking at the road. Man: Gee Mr Wong, why are you looking at the road? Mr Wong: I'm waiting for someone to drive over the land mine I planted. Man: Why? Mr Wong: Because then they will blow up and die. Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Scene: Man knocking on toilet door. Sound of small child: Ow! Ow! Ow! Man: Gee Mr Wong, why are you taking so long in there? Mr Wong: I'm carving up a small child. Man: Well hurry up, I've gotta use the toilet! Mr Wong: Okay, I'll get out when I've finished on these eyeballs. Sound of small child: Ow! Ow! Ow! Man: Ha ha ha ha ha! Mr Wong is dragging a garbage bag down the road. Man: Gee Mr Wong, what's in that garbage bag? Mr Wong: Old newsapapers. Man: That's not very funny. Mr Smith is walking along the street. Man: Gee Mr Smith, where are you doing tonight? Mr Smith: I'm going to play bingo at my local church. Man: Okay, have a nice time. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's about there is in this weeks Dead Pig. Remember, love conquers all, except of course nations known to possess nuclear armament. Sorry guys, that was pretty lame, but my mind is elsewhere, having more fun than me. Adios for two weeks. Have a nice time. BOW DOWN TO THE DEAD PIG! Web pages if you need 'em: http://www.safari.net/~sky http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan Dylan's home page: http://www.geopages.com/broadway/1969/ This document is copyright 1995 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you wish to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. If you don't want to join the Dead Pig Digest, an ezine full of demented giggles, bad taste and frequent violence, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading DON'T SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. However, if you do join, you won't regret it.* *Possibly untrue -------------------------------------------------------------------------