X-POP3-Rcpt: snrub@gco Date: Fri, 22 Dec 1995 18:01:33 +1100 Mime-Version: 1.0 Subject: Dead Pig Digest #26 _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #26 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: If you're going to murder | |oo| | someone, don't leave any evidence lying around. | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ Editorial Well, first off the shelf this week, I guess you guys out there in subscriber world have been wondering why the heck there has been no glorious Dead Pig Digest for a couple of weeks, and I would hope you have all contemplated suicide over this terrible situation. As true follers would. The actual reason for this delay is simply that my stupid service provider had somehow introduced an error into my account, and I could do nothing at all on the internet, and Dylan is been away, so he couldn't either. SO FRUSTRATING. I shall give you an example of how the conversation went when I first rang up my service provider to see why my internet account was no longer working: ME: Hello, this is Sam Bowring here, and I can't seem to use my account anymore. I was just wondering if this is a problem at my end, or your end? THEM: HO HO HO! It can't be us! It must be you! HO HO HO! I suggest you re-install all your software. A week later, after re-installign everything, and spending about five hours sweating over a hot computer, occasionally contemplating smashing it to pieces, I ring back. I talk to a nicer guy than the first one, who suggests that I do many other things to try to fix the problem. Things that will involve me spending even larger amounts of time. When none of these work he says 'Well, I'll have a look at your account, and see if the problem originates with us.' TWO MINUTES LATER . . . 'Oh, hahaha, there was a small error in your account. Hahaha! It's been fixed now.' To which I replied 'I will hunt you down and kill you.' Anyway, enough explanation and complaining. There's one other point I want to cover in this editorial: Christmas is coming. Yes, the biggest heretic celebration of the year, something to do with Jesus Christ. And I hope we all know, being faithful followers of Bruce the Great Dead Pig, that there is only one god, being Bruce himself. Therefore this Christmas holiday junk is not endorsed by Bruce himself, or Dylan and I, his offical High Priests, and any Dead Pig follower found to be taking part in Christmas shall be hung, drawn and sixteened. (A bit like being quartered, but WAY more messy.) Forbidden activities include: Giving/receiving presents, singing carols, being cheerful/charitable, arranging special places for the homeless to go for a hot meal, seeing relatives, taking time off work/school, etc. I hope you get the picture. Remember, the omnipresent Bruce is always watching. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ with Bruce the Dead Pig Yes, that's right! It's time for Snoutline, bringing you the latest innaccurate news bulletins! I'm your host, Bruce the Dead Pig. In news this week: 1) Wave spotted in the middle of the Pacific Ocean! It is estimated that if the wave keeps travelling at its current velocity and direction, it will very soon lightly slap the shores of the North Australia, possibly causing a few sand grains worth of erosion. 2) Fish spotted in the middle of the Pacific Ocean! It is estimated that if the fish keeps travelling at its current velocity and direction, it will very soon flop out onto the the shores of North Australia, where it would suffocate and die. 3) Boat spotted in the middle of the Pacific Ocean! It is estimated that if the boat keeps travelling at its current velocity and direction, it will very soon smack into the shores of North Australia, and Kevin Costner will get out and say 'At last! We've made it to dry land!' 4) Indian Ocean is as boring as ever. 5) After a pot party is held in Parliament House, a new law is passed by the government which bans all pinks igunanas from flying into the space/time vortex in the men's toilets. 6) A new type of toy plastic machine gun has been banned from the market, because it is found that it can prove hazardous to small children, if swallowed. 7) I can't think of a number seven. 8) Women rally for their right to be treated as equals to men. Just humour them, guys. 9) A reason is found for the regular mass suicide of that cute little rodent, the lemming: They're stupid. NOTE: We at Dead Pig Digest are aware that the real reason for lemming suicide is pressure at work. We apologise for the inference that they are stupid. NOTE NOTE: We at Dead Pig Digest are aware that actually, the real reason for lemming suicide is that sometimes the lemming population gets so large that the land could not support them all, so a great deal of them dispose of themselves so the great lemming race can be continued. This is true. We apologise for the inference that lemmings work. 10) I bought a new game called 'Warcraft' which I like a lot, and which I wish I was playing now, instead of writing this. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? To kick off question time, here's a question from that inescapable fungal disease, Brandi: Q: When you bring Bruce into the house to watch Melrose Place, doesn't he stink? How do you get rid of the odor if so and does he stain the furniture with his rotting flesh? A: Yes, Bruce does stink, but why would we wish to get rid of the odour, or as you say say in your quaint American way, 'odor'. We enjoy sucking the thick smell of Bruce into our noses. It's full of nutrients and the stench re-vitalises our souls. As for staining the furniture, he does that to, but the sticky flesh patch can easily be removed by tongue. The next two questions come from our fine friend Linsel, who is an idiot: Q: What makes a "superball" bounce so much? A: Gravity. Q: Where are my car keys? A: Wherever you left them. Q: Have you driven a Ford lately? A: No. Not lately. I used to have one, a long time ago, but I stupidly used it as a getaway car, and so had to torch it when Dylan and I had to go about destroying evidence. Now for some letters. I have decided that from now on, letters and questions will both come under the Question Time heading, since oftenthe letters are just longer questions, and sometimes we get one question and three letters or vice versa, and additionally, it's easier for me. Can you guess which one of these factors played the most important in my descision? Anyway, on with the letters: Dear Porcine Gurus I hope you can help me solve the following puzzle. I'm about to be completely strung up in Hangman, and you're my last hope. What letters should I guess next? Here's what I have: Bruc_ th_ D_ad Pig -Rob US: Not exactly sure, but we would guess the answer is someting along the lines of 'Frank the Living Horse'. Dear Dead Pig, One day, I was brushing my teeth really hard, and they all went red and fell out. I was wondering if you have ever experienced the same problem. It is really bothering me, because my friends don't like my anymore, since I have no teeth. Also, the same thing happened with my hair, except I used a comb and not a toothbrush. -Ponk US: Obviously this is a sign of divine Bruce intervention! Bruce is also bald and has no teeth, just purpled gums with bits of gristle sticking out. Perhaps you have done something especially wonderful, like getting one of your friends to subscribe to the Dead Pig Digest, or causing a civil war in a small weak economically unstable country, and Bruce, in his infinite wisdom, has seen fit to bestow to honour of looking a little bit more like him on you. Well that's it for question time this week. Remember, if you have a question or questions, letter or letters, foot or foots, mouse or mouses, send it to zarla@magna.com.au! It makes our job easier, because we don't have to make up fictitious people to ask questions. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dead Pig proudly presents: WHAT BRUCE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS NOTE: It may seem to some of our more stupid subscribers that this article is a little hipocritical, since it has been declared above that Bruce will punish anyone who celebrates Christmas. Well it is. But hey, when you rule the entire universe, you can do whatever the hell you like. On with the article. I'll repeat the title, in case you've forgotten what it was: WHAT BRUCE WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS You may be asking yourself "Why has he started talking about what to get Bruce this close to Christmas? I obviously can't get it to him on time now." Well stop talking to yourself, you crazy person. Anyway, the festive season is nearly upon us, which means it's almost time for Bruce to be transfered from the backyard to the refrigerator due to the hot weather. It's also the time us here at Dead Pig go on holidays to the local beach to fullfil our yearly dosage of harmful UV Rays, and also to have a near death experience when dragged out to sea in the firm jaws of a man-eating ice cream salesman whom you do not give the correct change to. Now to get back to the subject at hand, what Bruce want for Christmas ... the main thing that comes to mind is his own fridge, as one night when we had some friends over, they brought Bruce to the dinner table, thinking he was main course. It took us three tubs of butter to finally get that apple out of his mouth. The apple is currently in recovery and should be back on its feet any day now. Another thing Bruce undoubtedly wants for Christmas is the portion of skin on his rear end which was accidently ripped off when he was groped on a train last year by a fat guy. At the time we were taking him to the local nursing home to improve the odour there. Bruce would also like third party car insurance to cover mild injuries that occur during a car accident such as backpain and whiplash. No, hang on, I've read it incorrectly, it was a Knife-o-matic 2000, a revolution in knife blade technology. But order within the next fifteen minutes etc ... etc ... overdone lame joke continues. Of course at the top of Bruce's Christmas list is the new Beatles album. Fifty Bucks!!! Keep wishing Brucey!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOW TO GET RICH IN ONE EASY STEPS 1) Accumulate lots of money. Then you will be rich. P.S. Our dog used to drink out of the toilet bowl. Then we had some bathroom renovations and the height of the toilet was raised so he could no longer reach, and we had to get him a straw. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's about it for this weeks Dead Pig. I'll probably send the next one out some time in the middle of next week. Remember, if you want to stick out and be an individual, open the milk on the side that says 'Open Other Side'. Catch ya later. Have a nice time. ALL HAIL BRUCE! Web pages if you need 'em: http://www.safari.net/~sky http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan Dylan's home page: http://www.geopages.com/broadway/1969/ This document is copyright 1995 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.