_ _ | |______| | | | DEAD PIG DIGEST #25 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: Just because I have | |oo| | no brain, doesn't mean I can't think for myself! | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ 20 days until the day after Christmas --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Contents in this issue: 1) Hachi bids Cheechi farewell after Hachi signs up for the foriegn legion 2) In the midst of Hachi's peace mission in Agreb, he recieves word that Cheechi is pregnant 3) The last battle of the peace mission sees Hachi shot in cross fire at point blank range 4) How to keep your refrigerator free of annoying odours for up to four months! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- _________ _________ | | The | | | | official | | | | uncompleted | | | | DEAD PIG | | | | SONG | | ----| ----| ----| ----| | | | | | | | | |___| |___| |___| |___| That's right, if you send the last verse of this song to zarla@magna.com.au you could not win any prizes. Be creative, only the _best_ entries will make it into the special Christmas issue of DEAD PIG. And the absolute best entry will be made into a song by Sam and myself, digitized and put on the soon to be online "Official Dead Pig Web Page" so anyone can download it. DEAD PIG SONG (by Dylan Behan) Woke up this mornin' and I was feelin kinda big. Cause in my e-mail box was the new issue of DEAD PIG Those guys Sam and Dylan can really crack a joke and Bruce, the Dead Pig he is one super bloke .... and that's it. You send us the last verse and you could get your name, as well as your entry published in Dead Pig. --------------------- And now a special message for all of our readers currently studying for exams... Stop reading DEAD PIG and go study!! ----------------- Ten Things You Should Never Do 1) Substitute toilet paper for sand paper 2) Sleep under a cow 3) Say to your parents when they give you pocket money, 'I don't need your charity!' 4) Accept a loan from a guy called 'Sharky' 5) Open up metal drums you find scuba diving, that are marked with a skull and crossbones 6) Walk through a bad part of town, saying loudly to your friend 'Gosh, my wallet is so heavy from all those hundred dollar bills stuffed into it!' 7) Run while carrying scissors (it's not funny, but you still shouldn't do it, okay) 8) You should never not believe in yourself. You may be a complete loser, but you still exist. 9) Answer 'yes' to the question 'want to give some money for the homeless?' 10) Unsubscribe from the Dead Pig Digest ----------- ûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûû ûûû ALL NEW IMPROVED ûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûû ûûûûûûûûû DEAR DEAD PIG ûûûûûûûûûûûûûû ûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûûû now with actual comedy.... and brand new weird title illustration Dear Dead Pig What are Bruce's view on the recently resolved Cold War? Just wondering, Justin Notrealperson Thanks Justin, well the cold war was between Russia and America. Why was it called the cold war? I could understand if it was on during the bitter cold winter in the snow, but it was on during summer. Hey, the ozone layer's depleating, global warming is heating us up, let's have a cold war to cool down. -ed Dear Dead Pig I notice that a mysterious man named "Ed" answers all of the letters to "Dear Dead Pig". Is it by any chance, Mr Ed the talking horse? I have no life, Alfred Fictionalcharacter Don't be rediculous, Wilbur. -Ed Dear Dead Pig Digest I feel terrible. I can't look at myself in the mirror. Because it got smashed when I threw a brick at it. What should I do? - Couldbe Realperson Well, you have been given the reward of seven years good luck. Use it wisely or I will confiscate your dearest, most personal possession. Your vacuum cleaner. -ed Dear Dead Pig I want to buy a new a mirror, but my friends think this is an extravagant purchase and a waste of money. Do you think this is true? By the way, I am blind. -Blind Johnny (with physical impediment) Do you have lights in your house? What's the point in that? One night you might come home, say to yourself "I can't see, maybe if I turn on the light. Colsarn it, it didn't work. I still can't see!" As for your question regarding the mirror, I don't know. -ed Dear Dead Pig Digest I want to leave home but my mother has me tied to her apron strings. I can't run away because she just pulls the strings and I come falling back. What can I do? -Eugene Unreal Well Eugene, first I would go to your local family lottery agency and buy a ticket in the million dollar family lottery, and maybe on Monday night you will win a "Million dollar family" and if not well you certainly are an unfortunate soul. -ed ---------------------- ______________ | DAILY FOOD | |---- | |°Æú©|········| Newsletters written by other people... |---- ©ÆúŒú©Œú| |¥¥¥¥¤¦¤°Æú÷ºÂ| |^*µûÆ©Æ©ú©ûú | |_____________| We were stuck for something to write about, so we asked our friends at our "Newsletter Creators" club which is located down the road, on the wall in the bathroom at the petrol station, what newsletters they are working on, and we came up with the following.... Farm Macheenery (exploding) #8 By Mellissa C. Hoffmeyer This weeks issue claims that "Cars are cars, not notcars. Notcars are notcars, not cars". It also contains a poem entitled "Strawberry". Mister B. Nobby's weekly newsletter about bathroom tiles that are shaped like Fred Flintsone's Feet #19 Written by Mr. M Smith This week Mr M. Smith talks about failed peace embargos in Korea. Also included is a fantastic recipe for Trout with Pine nuts and Dill. My dog eats Cheese #72 Written by Mamma Skingraft This week Mamma looks at the rare species of blood hounds that eat slightly matured chedder. Also covered in this issue is the rare species of dog that doesn't eat Wood. Morons today #99 Written by I. Nsane I am a moron, kiss my feet. I like to shove long wooden objects into my birdcage while my cat is still inside. Love me because I can't love anyone except my woof. Mathematics Improved #34 Written by Murphey K. Desk and Richard J. Chair This week we expose a 17 year old boy who thought that cos equalled the hypotenuse on the adjacent side, when in reality cos really equals the adjacent side on the hypoteneuse. But remember folks, this rule only applies to right angled triangles. Low Budget Cookery Magazine #13 Written by Peter Russell-Fong and Gabriel GatŽ-Genkideska This week the writers tell their readers (if there are any) about how to create a superb four course meal for over as dozen people using only a pair of nail clippers, an empty water bottle and a secuirity guard. Also, a new set of bathroom tiles which look exactly like Fred Flintstone's feet. ---------- A Poem About Pus Pus, pus, wonderful pus How much can you devour? Yellow and sloppy Slippy and slidey Stick a straw in an open wound, and slurp away Yum, yum, pus in my tum Grow a supply of zits And have a self serve thickshake Crispy if dried out in the sun Crunch, crunch, crunch Use it as a dip for scabs Mmm, mmm, mmm Is there anything quite as good as pus? I think not Note: Some of our more squemish readers may not agree with that poem. You may feel that. perhaps, it is gratuitous, or overly graphic, or pushes the limits of taste. (Pus tastes really good, by the way, if this point hasn't been covered enough.) Anyway, if anyone out there was offended, we send you this message: We don't care, go hang yourself. Better yet, stab yourself, because then the police investigating your death can picks crusty bits of bloody pus off your body, and that will make them happy. -------- ------------- AAAARGH!!! |¥_________ | \| | |__| Yes, it's more various last words or various people.... John Lennon: Haven't I already given you my autograph? A cow accientally eating a landmine Cow: Moo! (chomp chomp chomp explode) A man dieing of skin cancer in the year 2220. Man: Honey, I'm just going outside for a few minutes Wife: Did you put on your UV absorbtion clothes? Man: (opens door) Of course I di.... uggh. -------------- Personal reflection..... Sorry about the lateness of this issue, but I have been real busy watching those cool infomercials and then ringing up the operators that are standing by, and annoying them. Anyway, Sam should be doing Dead Pig next week, so until then it should only be about 6 or 7 days. -Dylan "My name is not Johnny" Behan ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Web pages if you're bored: http://alice.icanect.net/~sky http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan COMING SOON!!! The official DEAD PIG WEB PAGE (it will be online as soon as Sam gives me some damn material!) This document is copyright 1995 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- To subscribe to the Dead Pig Digest, a highly comical ezine which you are reading now, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. We guarantee you won't regret it.* *This could be a lie ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 'The best thing about the desert is, there's always a plently of cool, fresh water' -Some Guy