To: From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Ye Olde Dead Pigge Dygest Cc: Bcc: subscribers X-Attachments: _ _ | |______| | | | Ye Olde Dead Pigge Dygest #24 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pigge Thought For The Day: If ye is troubled by | |oo| | warts, ye should stick a leech on them. This will not | | -- | | rid ye of the wart, but it will provide ye friends | \______/ | with amusement. \----------/ Hear ye! Hear ye! Pay attention for the Editorial: Welcome faithful followers of the magnificent and wondrous Dead Pig! In case you're wondering, the whole digest is not going to be written in dated medievil language that employs the mispelling of words, and overuse of the word 'ye'. We would like to wave a big cheery 'hello' to all the new subscribers we got this week, and give you this special message: All the people who subscribed this week have won the special privilege of never being able to unsubscribe! That's right! Never! Hahahahahahahahahaha! I bet you feel lucky! You're going to be getting Dead Pig Digest forever! But please, don't send us email thanking us for this kind favour, as we already know how happy you must feel. Additionally, I would like to add the note that next weeks Dead Pig Digest administration (which means the writing of the editorial and all the links between articles, as well as general layout of the digest) which is usually taken care of by me (Sam) is going to be taken over by my esteemed colleague, Dead Pig High Priest Dylan. So if you really hate next weeks digest, don't blame me, since Dylan is even more lax in his editing than I am, because he's a git. No offence, Dylan. Oh yeah, and a moron too. You can take offence at that if you like, Dylan. And very soon the official Dead Pig Web Page will be up and running, including back issues as well as previously unpublished material. Anyway, enough of this unusually long editorial, on with the digest! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Tale of How Bruce Lost the Tip of his Ear A Dead Pig fable Once, long ago, a massive amount of time ago, hundreds of thousands of years ago, before even the queen mother was born, Bruce was rotting in the sun on a peaceful beach scene. The sun beating down on his bloated carcass was causing him to smell unusually . . . pungent . . . and so even the vultures that once circled overhead, excited at the prospect of getting a beakful of fetid pork, had flown away. The maggots which usually writhed around happily in the cavities in Bruce's body had vacated the corpse for hygeine reasons. Bruces pink tongue lolled out by the side of his mouth, and brown spit dotted with small chunks of flesh oozed slowly down his chin. Death was treating Bruce well, and he was content. Suddenly he felt unstable. He realised that the spit he had dribbled from one side of his mouth had upset the eqaul balance once held with the spit on the other side. He turned over on his side, unbalanced, and begin to roll helplessly down the beach. Just before he got to the water, his backbone (loosed by the movement) forced it's way through the soft flesh in his neck, and dug into the damp sand, halting him. The only part of his body that made it into the water was the tiny purpled tip of his ear. He lay there for a long time, and eventually a fish swum by. It was a wonderful, beautiful fish, quick and intelligent. But it was hungry. And the purple meaty tip looked very inviting. So it swum up and took a large bite. Pangs of pain hit the fish in the stomach and throat as the foul ear tip made it's way to the fishes digestive system. It thrashed around for a bit, and then sunk to the bottom, managing to work it's way into a small hole in a rock. It was a few days later that the fish emerged from its cocoon, a changed creature. The impact the piece of Dead Pig had had on it was markedly obvious. It was now brown and lumpy, with bulbous eyes, peeling scales, and small fingertips on the ends of its fins. It swum slowly to the shore and crawled out into the sun, ready to take the next evolutionary step. Not as the fantastic creature it used to be, but as a twisted, disgusting breathing blob. It was from this thing that we, Human Beings, evolved. Thanks to the Dead Pig we turned out the way we are. All praise the Dead Pig! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? This weeks first three questions come from Linsel, Master of Lemur Magic: Q: How could Jesus have died for my sins if I wasn't even born yet? A: I am ashamed that a subscriber would have to ask this question. All those who are true to the Great Dead Pig know that he is the only god, and all other religions are a farce. Jesus was probably just some guy with a big mouth who could do parlour tricks. Q: What is the color of wind? A: Air coloured. Note: How did Americans lose the ÔuÕ in ÔcolourÕ and ÔhumourÕ and all those words? Most Americans originally came from England, where they spell these words with a ÔuÕ. I mean, how does something like that start? Do they just decide one day they donÕt like that ÔuÕ being in there, and theyÕll be damned if theyÕre spelling it how you spell it, weÕve got our own continent now thank you very much, we are free from your bonds, from your law, from your rule and THANK GOODNESS, FROM YOUR DAMN ÔUÕ THATS BEEN BUGGING THE SHIT OUT OF US ON THE VOYAGE ALL THE WAY HERE! And additionally, you can keep your darn ÔzedÕ as the last letter of the alphabet, weÕll have ÔzeeÕ and if we wanna spell ÔsurpriseÕ with a damned zee, we will! Ho do these things start? Q: What does reality taste like? I know it isn't chicken. Come to think of it, what doesn't taste like chicken, besides reality, chicken, and lobster? A: I don't know what reality tastes like, I haven't tried it. As for some things that don't taste like chicken, here are a few examples: plastic, dental appointments, mouth freshener, bacterial disease, quails. Here's a question from our good, close, personal, twice removed friend, Robert: Q: Did Bruce father any piglet before he breathed his last? If so, will they someday assume his position/office/grave? A: As far as we know, Bruce has been dead since the dawn of time, before there were other pigs. Bruce actually created pigs, in a way we won't bother going into here, so Bruce and nomral pigs are not really the same species anyway. but even if they were, Bruces genetalia have long ceased to function properly, and the only sperm he has left alive are very, very old and senile, with great long white beards. They couldn't find their way to the corner shop, let alone through a female reproductive system. So it is doubtful that there are any little Dead Pigs to speak of. As for someone assuming Bruce's position, that's a silly idea, as he will always be dead, so there is no need. If you have a question to send to the Dead Pig, please do, at zarla@magna.com.au --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bruce, literary genius as well as Dead Pig, has thought up an idea for a sketch comedy program, which he has called: THE FUNNY SKETCH (Shot of snail getting squashed) SFX:Laughter. (Shot of bird getting shot) SFX:Laughter. (Shot of horse being put down) SFX:Laughter. (Shot of building blowing up, people burning to death) SFX:Laughter. (Shot of man hanging himself) SFX:Laughter. (Shot of woman thowing her baby of a building) SFX:Laughter. etc, etc, etc Bruces sketch went on for many more lines, but in the interests of brievity, we shall not print them all. I think you get the general idea anyway. I hope you all laughed at Bruce's jokes, because remember, he is always watching. We wouldn't want him to get upset would we? No. Then he might make us star in his next sketch, which is much like the first. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well that's it for this weeks digest. Remember, whenever you think someone is being unjust to you, try to see their point of view. That way, you'll be able to work out the way they'd least like you to kill them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Until next week, my dear friends. Have a nice time! ALL BOW DOWN AND GROVEL TO THE DEAD PIG! Web pages if you need 'em: http://alice.icanect.net/~sky http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan Dylan's home page(apparently improved): http://www.geopages.com/broadway/1969/ This document is copyright 1995 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.