X-POP3-Rcpt: snrub@gco Date: Wed, 22 Nov 1995 22:01:36 +1100 Mime-Version: 1.0 To: (Recipient list suppressed) From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #23 _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #23 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: A late arrival is better | |oo| | than no arrival at all. Similarly, a late relative | | -- | | is quite good also, until the corpse begins to stain | \______/ | the furniture. \----------/ Editorial Hello, faithful followers of the Great Dead Pig, and welcome to another edition of the fantastic, wonderful, brilliant, adjective, Dead Pig Digest! This week is of course the 23rd digest to hit the streets, and this is a very significant number to Dylan and I, since it is the number of times we have tried to set fire to my swimming pool to collect insurance. Actually, I would like to say, I don't actually have an actual swimming pool, but I am actually seeing how many actual times I can say the word 'narcotics' in one sentence. Hmm. Only once. Well, it's a start. Anyway, on with the digest! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- That's right folks, it's time for a brand new column in DEAD PIG, which will run for one whole week, called: -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_--_-_-_-_-_ Martin Luther King Jr. is white ... -_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_- In "Martin Luther King Jr. is white" we will attempt to entertain, but most times we will fail miserably. So, lets get on with it... This week on "Martin Luther King Jr. is white" we will answer letters. However we have substituted the original letters with those from "Womens Weekly" magazine, but kept the original answers. See if you find it as hilarious as we did ... Dear Womens Weekly Why are you called Womans Weekly when you released monthly? FFrom Big Joe Dear Augustus Sorry, we do not give out money. - ed Dear Womens Weekly That recipe for Pumpkin soup you published last month was wonderful. Just one question; my young daughter, Jana, fell terribly sick afterwards. I am going to sue you for neglect and emotional anguish. I will see you in court at 9:00 am Morning. Do you have any comments you wish to pass on to your readers, you vile bad magazine? >From Big John Dear Mr and Mrs Turpentine If you exchange the boiled horse fat for snail hearts you should notice an enhancement in taste. - ed Dear Womens Weekly Your story about Princess Diana going out with Johnny "Fruitman" of the local Fruitworld amusement park was a bit hard to believe. Where did you get your information? >From Big Jim Dear Booker No. - ed Dear Womens Weekly I am caught in a long term relationship that I no longer want to be part of. He beats me, leaves his undies on the floor, and our sex life is just no good anymore. How do I get my son to move out? FFrom Big Henry Dear Goji-Grape Spamhead Hashcut Yes, your friends are right to tease you, with a stupid name like that! - ed Gee, this column turned out funnier than I thought. Ha Ha Ha. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOW TO KILL YOUR NEIGHBOURS For this experiment you will need: 1) An axe AIM: To cause fatal axe wounds in your neighbour's heads. METHOD: This experiment is best performed during the night, but if you plan to video tape it for later viewing pleasure, the day may be preferbale. Here is what to do: if you are friendly with your neighbour/s, try to get yourself invited over to their house, concealing the axe in baggy trousers. If you are not friendly with your neighbour, or can't get invited over, then use the axe to smash down the back door or a window, and crawl into the house. However you get in, once you are actually there, take the axe, raise it above your neighbours head, yell 'Haha! Bet you never guessed I was an axe weilding maniac!' and choppa choppa choppa! (Note: 'Choppa choppa choppa means hit them in the head several times with the axe. Optionally, you can hit them in other body parts, especially if you wish to cause a slower death. Follow your own preference in this case.) Evacuate the house as soon as possible, burn it down so as to remove any evidence, (be careful not to get your own house on fire! That can inconvenient and embarrassing!) and swallow the axe. Then go home. YOu can expect to be questioned by the police as to whether you saw anything, to which you should reply, 'Nope, I did not go into my neighbours house and chop him/her/them up with an axe, heh heh heh, and then set fire to their house.' This will absolve you of any responsibilty, and as long as you stick to this story, and repeat it again and again, you'll be fine. NOTE: If you actually do this experiment, we will not be responsible for any legal problems or injuries incurred (such as when you find that the neighbour has an axe of their own) since you are obviously a stupid psycho to begin with. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE BEATLES ARE BACK ... Well Not All Of Them Anyway, But Three Out Of Four Aint Bad, Unless It's Your Mark In Your Final Exams Which You Studied For For Weeks On End, Only To Be Mocked And Teased By Your Fellow Students All Of Whom Received Marks In The High 100%'s, Whoops This Heading Is A Bit Too Long. Yes, this week supposedly marks the rebirth of Beatlemania around the globe with the release of their new "Anthology" album as well as the documentary mini series of the same name. But how can they release a new album when old Johnny is dead? Well, I can most unfortunately reassure you that for their new video they did not dig up John and play "Weekend at Bernies" with him. I wish they would. But instead they used so-called modern technology to add the three remaining Beatles voices and instruments. Well the new song has met with widespread airplay world wide. The song, written by the former John Lennon, is entitled "Free as a bird", which is ironically something that Mr. Lennon is not. Within minutes of it's arrival at radio stations here in Sydney, it was considered for playing. This morning on one of those damn oldies AM stations played it twice in fifteen minutes, which isn't any amazing fate because in the same fifteen minutes, on the same radio station I heard the advertisement for "Cheep Poultry" seven times. It has some woman shouting "Cheep poultry is cheap, cheap, cheap". Oh, it gets funnier everytime I hear it. But why a Beatles reunion? Well, what I had heard from a lot of kids when asked about the Beatles was "Ringo, that dead guy, that guy that's married to Linda McCartney and some other guy". Of course, it has been rumoured that if the three remaining Beatles accept an offer to perform ten concerts, they could get payed $100 million. If you think that's a lot of money, I know a guy that gets payed $5 an hour to work at McDonalds, so he'd have to work 8 hours a day for over 6849 years to get that much money, so you are right, $100 million is a lot of money. You may all remember the messages that were hidden in the "Abbey Road" album (you know that cover with the guys crossing the street? The one that's only been paradied about 50 million times) in which if you played the album backwards you would get all sorts of kooky satanic messages and stuff saying "Paul is dead, Paul is dead". Some backmastering has also been found in the "Free as a bird" song, except the messages say "John is dead, John is dead". It couldn't be further from the truth. Anyway, the only reunion we need now is Elvis Presley. In fact he will be starting a world tour next month to promote his new book entitled "Ha Ha, fooled you all". Well at least they look better than Keith Richards does these days. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- X____DEAR DEAD PIG____x "Column with a strange title illustration" A forum for readers of the Dead Pig Digest to send their mail. Hello O' Great Decomposing One I live in Memphis, Tennesee, therefore I am obviously privileged to know that Elvis is in fact Jesus. He has risen from the dead, has millions of followers, and wears a great big sequin studded jumpsuit, how could he not be the son of God? Does the Great Bruce feel threatened by Elvis' divine nature, and if so, what is the porcine one doing to thwart this musical messiah? I must return now to my tent in front of Graceland. Thank you, and may your pants always be filled with hyperkinetic marmosets, -Peaches US: Bruce is not threatened by your weenie dead fat singer. Dear Dead Pig I am a 43 year old man with a balding problem, and I was wondering fou could tell me whether I should get my friends to join Dead Pig. -Mr Fakeo 'shameless promotion' Made Up Person US: Yes, by all means get your freinds to join. No more letters this week, so nyah. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well guys, gotta cut this digest a bit brief because it is now almost time to collapse into bed, and I'm not going to have a chance to send it out for several days if I don't send it RIGHT NOW, and the digest is already a day late. So ta ta, and remember to have a nice time. All hail the Dead Pig! Web pages if you need 'em: http://alice.icanect.net/~sky http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan This document is copyright 1995 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.