X-POP3-Rcpt: snrub@gco Date: Tue, 14 Nov 1995 17:51:13 +1100 Mime-Version: 1.0 To: (Recipient list suppressed) From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #22 _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #22 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: I scream, you scream, | |oo| | we all scream when we have pins sticking in our feet. | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ Editorial Hello readers, and illiterate people who only look at the pictures! Welcome to this, yet another edition of the wonderful Dead Pig Digest. Number twenty two, to be absolutely exact. And boy, haven't those twenty two weeks just flown by! Flown by as fast as a bird! A wingless bird! A wingless bird with its foot tied to a stake in the ground! Well anyway, I have nothing else in particular to say, so let's get on with the digest! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ with Bruce the Dead Pig Good evening, and welcome to Snoutline. I am your host Bruce the Dead Pig, in much the same way a caterpillar plays host to baby wasps that have been laid under it's skin and are eating it from the inside out. Here are some the major news bulletins lightly slapping the streets; 1) A new note passed in parliament, but the Prime Minister spotted and confiscated it. 2) Scientists have claimed to have developed a cure for all known diseases, but when questioned further about what was, they responded in a childlike manner, simply saying 'Not telling!' 3) A new study is going to find if woman prefer wearing comfortable clothes to having their limbs sliced off at the base. Researchers are currently looking for woman volunteers to help them test the theory. 4) Sam, one of the writers of the Dead Pig Digest, got a part in a professional play, Love's Labours Found, which is a new interpretation of an old Shakespeare. It's not particularly big news, but he wanted to take the opportunity to boast about it. 5) A streaker parades through the streets, wearing nothing except trousers and a shirt. And undies and socks and shoes. Okay, and a hat. 6) The French claim they will soon be testing nerve gas on live humans, but that there will be 'no threat to anyone, or the environment'. 7) A new book has been launched, entitled 'How to Read'. 8) It is heard throughout the land that if you get your friends to subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, you will truly be virtous. (Like our good friend Grady. Here is your prize for getting your friends to subscribe: A special mention. Hope you enjoyed it.) 9) The bush under which I, Bruce, am normally buried, got some kind of aphid infection and almost died. However, the aphid population was gotten rid of safely when Sam and Dylan turned their duel flame throwers on the bush, so we are all happy again. 10) My computer won't let me eject the compact disk that's in it right now, so while I've been writing this I've had to listen to the same single about 400 times. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Newspapers and other publications have long been where a lot of people turn for recreation, entertainment and relaxation. Bruce proudly presents a BRAND NEW article... / - |_ | | \/ | \ / \ /// HOW TO RELAX IN THE 80's --_ \ / - \ / - _-\ Yes, it's no surprise to most of our readers that the 1980's is a decade a lot busier and stressful than any other. But now for the good news, it's not going to get any harder. That's right, reknowned doctor and psychologist, Doctor Kissmyasymptote told us in an exclusive interview: "and quite frankly I don't believe these people should take the blame for mistakes made by their Nazi uncles all those years ago" He actually told us about the stress factor in a different part of the interview. Actually it was as he was walking out the door, so I didn't write down his exact words, but from memory it was something along the lines of "Stress is something blah blah etc... etc..." I forget. But because it is three years until those peaceful 1990's, we give you tips on relaxation that you can use until then. /\ There's nothing quite as relaxing as a nice, soothing massage. But massages can cost as much as $8.50!! So, to get lots of good free massages, go out with a masuse for four or five years, and then we he/she asks for your hand in marriage you quickly reply "Only if I can have a free masage". /\ Nudge your spoon /\ Hot Baths are always relaxing, but with the drought having gone on for three months now, we can't go wasting water. So bath in sand. You'll be saving water and money!!! /\ There's nothing quite as relaxing as sitting in front of the television with a hot cup of instant coffee watching a new episode of The Golden Girls. But to make it even more relaxing, replace those legal, but back-breaking milk crates you're sitting on with a nice chair. /\ Smoking has been known to steady your nerves, and recent studies have found that smoking four packs or more a day can be good for your health.* * NOTE: Study not yet commenced ** ** NOTE: Thanks to Alex Yuen for this joke*** *** NOTE: Not so much a thanks but a credit**** **** NOTE: Credit can not be exchanged for royalties or money.***** ***** NOTE: This is a note. /\ Romantic dinners are relaxing, especially if you are having one with someone other than yourself. /\ Sleeping can be relaxing. The more you sleep, the more you feel relaxed. Death is a really long sleep. /\ A nice holiday can be relaxing. For summer time relaxation, Kuwait's beaches are always nice, and free of the worries and violence of the rest of the middle east. For Skiing, the place to go is the Winter Olympics in Bosnia. Fun and wintertime frolicks await. For sightseeing, Scotland is a fun place to see, particularly the town of Lockerbee and especially around Christmas time. Pan Am has regular flights to this region. /\ There's nothing quite as relaxing as listening to music, and with the new revolutionary Compact Discs due never to become popular, now's the time to build up that LP collection. And that's how you can relax in these hectic and stressful 80's. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is an article written especially for the Dead Pig Digest that was going out after Halloween, except that Sam forgot about it. Please forgive the obvious time lapse: HALLOWEEN: Everyone's favourite time of year and here's how Bruce celebrated it: We dug him out of the backyard and we sat him up in front of the televison. He watched a special episode of Melrose Place. It was the one where everyone calls each other "Bitch" and then has sex. Actually, it was just like all the other episodes, but Bruce is dead so he can't tell the difference. We then took him around the neighbourhood in a wheelbarrow seeing if we could swap him to some trick or treating kid for a chocolate bar: "Hey, wanna swap? "Maybe, watcha got?" "We got this rotting old Dead Pig carcas" "Watcha want for it?" "A snickers bar" "I'll give two M&Ms and that's it" "Forget it pal, we don't need you" "What about three M&Ms" "Yeah, okay" Of course once the kid found out it actually was a rotting old Dead Pig carcass, he sort of gave it back. But it was too late, because we had already eaten the M&Ms. Ha ha, sucked in, little kid. After that we invited all of our friends over and once he got here, we gave both of them a cup of tea and dressed Bruce up as a rotting Dead Pig carcass. It wasn't that hard. Then we all played Twister, after we put Bruce in the Dishwasher. As soon as I find out who turned it on while Bruce was in there, I will probably give them a stern "Don't do that again". Anyway, while Bruce was disintegrating in the dishwasher, Benny, our friend, won Twister. Benny has three arms, so he always wins Twister. It's not fair. Anyway, we sent him on his way, and packed up Bruce into a plastic bag, ready to reasseble in the morning, and went to bed. I was awakened in the middle of the night by the smell of burning pumpkin from the Jackolantern which I had lost track of earlier that day. And that was our halloween.... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is an article sent in by our good friend J.P. who is a maintainer of one of the Dead Pig Web Pages, except that it is currently not available. ADVERTISING FEATURE The *unofficial* DEAD-PIG range of underwear is now available! The *unofficial* DEAD-PIG range of underwear is now available! The *unofficial* DEAD-PIG range of underwear is now available! Have you ever wanted a unique and versatile range of underwear? Here's your chance - this range was designed by a team of award-winnning designers. (The Quastafelby Award of Excellence 1953, the Anthropod Society Best Performer Award 1923, and is endorsed by New York Brain Donors Anonymous). These remarkable jocks come pre-shrunken, pre-stained and pungent, fresh from the factory!! Ever had a nagging girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband/Dead Pig/ bicycle/Dead Pig/goldfish/pig moan about you wearing the same jocks for 6 months? Well here's your dream come true - they'll never be able tell!! * ORDER NOW (or the Dead Pig will come and visit your grandparents) * Sizes available: large, extra large, enormous, circus tent and Dead Pig. Colours : Gangerene Green, Syphillis Red, Plaque Brownish and Gonorrhoea Crusty Yellow. If you call now, you will receive INSTALLATION ABSOLUTELY FREE!! Remember, ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS CALL NOW, AND GIVE US YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER (yeeesss ... hehe ... yes ... yesyesyes..) CREDIT CARD NUMBER!!! GIVE US YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER!! NOW!! [ Member of the Abu-Dhabi Pirates' direct marketing organisation - ensuring the highest possible standards, and is endorsed by the Bank of Credit and Commerce International ] All for just $2339.99 (30 pairs) or $6084.99 (50 pairs)!! UNBELIEVABLE VALUE!! CALL NOW!!! YOUR LAST CHANCE!!! STOCKS ARE RUNNING OUT!!! CALL NOW!!! (The above prices exclude post and postage, packaging, posting, raw materials, sales, purchasing and inheritance tax) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes, once again it's that time again for that time again, again which is that time again, called ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? And out very first question this week comes from Linsel, Master of Lemur Magic: Q: Do you know anyone who has pierced their Femur? If not, how come nobody does anymore? A: The Dead Pig once tried to pierce his femur, but the bone had become jelly-like in it's rotting, and so the ring kept slipping out. Apart from that, I know of no one, and I guess no one does it anymore because there are more popular ways to cause yourself pain, such as slowly pulling out your toenails with pliers, or drilling through the nerves in your teeth. The next question comes from a guy who strangely calls himself christiaaaaaaaaaaaan. Q: Am totally off my rocker? How do I get back on???? A: Please don't use multiple question marks. To answer your question, I suggest you go to a psychiatri, who will prod you, and find out if you are indeed, off your rocker. As for getting back on, you may find it difficult, but always keep in mind: You can't tell if people with sunglasses on are really looking at you or not. Q: How come my mother doesn't believe me when I tell her that I got pregnant by the Holy Ghost. Joseph believed his wife didn't he?!!!! A: Aha! Well you see, as every good Dead Pig follower knows, Bruce is the only god, and there is no such thing as the holy ghost. Little do christians know, but it was actually the spirit of the Dead Pig that got Mary pregnant. What you have to understand about the Dead Pig is, he doesn't often 'get it on' since he is fairly unnattractive to the opposite sex, seeing as how he is a dripping corpse. This is a problem he overcomes by roaming the world in spirit form, occasionally getting woman who don't know they've been invaded by him pregnant. So I sincerely hope you're happy if you are one of the lucky few that has been blessed with the congealed reproductive juices of the Dead Pig. Note: Sorry, but we try to push the limit of bad taste here at Dead Pig. Q: Is it okay if my dog licks my face after I've eaten something? Even if his tongue goes up my nose????????? A: Please, please don't use multiple question marks. It gets on my nerves. To answer your question, it is perfectly fine if your dog licks up your nose, as long as you don't want to eat the snot yourself. Note: If that last bit of grossness, in your opinion, pushed the line, then we would like to extend a very sincere 'get bent' to you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's all we have time for this week. If you would like to send us a question or something, send it to zarla@magna.com.au! Until next time, hello. Have a nice time. ALL HAIL THE DEAD PIG! Web pages: http://alice.icanect.net/~sky http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan This document is copyright 1995 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.