To: From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #21 Cc: Bcc: subscribers X-Attachments: _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #21 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: The best thing about the | |oo| | desert is, you always have a place to park your car. | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ Editorial Hello and welcome to yet another Dead Pig Digest. And we are proud to see that the Dead Pig has managed to reach that grand old age of 21! In ezine years, it is now considered an adult. Isn't that interesting? No, perhaps not. Anyway, this week it was my (Sam's) birthday. How about for my birthday, you get some more of your friends to subscribe to the digest. Hell, we're so good at shameless mongering for more subscribers, aren't we? Yes, we are. Now go get us some more, and we promise rich rewards*. *Promise is used incorrectly in this sentence -------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ with Bruce the Dead Pig Yes, that's right, I'm Bruce the Dead Pig, and thanks for joining me for another edition of Snoutline. Major news stories this week: 1) Man bites dog! Dog sues man for damages and they have a massive court dispute! The conflict is shown on court TV, and later made into a major motion picture! Patrick Swayze to play the Man, and the whale from Free Willy to play the Dog. Hey, artistic license, man. 2) Some sports guy is found not guilty of murdering his wife and her waiter friend. I can't remember his name, or any details, since it didn't get much media coverage. 3) Breakthrough in genetic technology! It is discovered that when mummy and daddy love each other very much, you get a baby! (Note: Babies are good, because you can hit them and they can't tell anyone about it.) 5) The number previously known as '4' becomes redundant. 6) The Artist previously known as (strange squiggle) and before that as Prince declares that he might change his name again. This time though, he's going to try to be a bit more pretentious about it. He also says he may stop trying to get publicity by changing his name to stupid things, and instead actually write some music, or perhaps even sing! 7) It is declared discrimination if you don't give someone employment on the grounds that they're underqualified. 8) Subliminal messages SUBSCRIBE TO DEAD PIG are declared as being GET YOUR FRIENDS TO SUBSCRIBE TO DEAD PIG an effective means of IF YOU DON'T, WE'LL KILL YOU advertising. 9) The dreaded Loch Ness Monster claims another four victims in Holland. Or wherever the hell he is. 10) I'm hungry. I'm going to get something to eat. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A brand new section of the Dead Pig Digest entitled... _________________________________________ | | | What The Hell Is That Guy On About??? | | | | |------------------------------------| | | | | | |_| |_| In "What The Hell Is That Guy On About???" we attempt to decipher secret messages hidden within the events of today and the past. In short, we attempt to answer the question "What do you really mean?". The event we focus on this week is the recent referendum in Quebec which, if it had have suceeded, could have lead to Quebec becoming a country seperate from Canada. If you are having trouble understanding it's like the episode of "Growing Pains" where Kirk Cameron leaves home, only to live in his families garage. The only reasons given to the press for the referendum being held are: 1) The Francophones (the French speaking people of Canada), who make up most of the population in Quebec, were sick of feeling alienated from the rest of Canada. 2) Quebec wanted a different relationship with the rest of Canada than the one they have presently. After great amounts of research at our library, outside of library hours, and outside of the library, we discovered the real reasons, which are thus: 1) The Francophones (the French speaking people of Canada), who make up most of the population Quebec, were very sick of being tortured and harrassed by little men with mustaches and two inch think glasses in Ice Cream trucks. 2) The Francophones (the French speaking people of Canada), who make up most of the population Quebec, were very sick of 90% of people from countries other than Canada not knowing what the heck a "Quebecer" was. 3) Canada's plan to build 3000 foot deep trench filled with Non Fat Yogurt on Quebec's border destorying all land connections with Canada and threats of shooting down all planes nearing the border. We were lucky enough to get an interview with the head of the Canadian Consule, here in Sydney. Me: Good day, Sir. (At this point, the Canadian Consule decided not to stay for the interview with me. So instead, I interview our man on the streets, Unemployed Johnny Bumear.) Me: Where exactly do you stand on the Quebec issue? Him: Well frankly Mike, after living in Quebec for 10 years, one can say I became quite socially involved and connected with the provence. I am in support of the "Oui movement" I guess you would call it, because quite frankly Canada is going down the plug hole at the moment, and no one, including myself wants to go down with it. Me: Were you surprised at all by the fact that the people of Quebec decided by a majority vote in the referendum that they did not want to seperate from Canada? Him: Referendum? I'm sorry I thought I was here to discuss the increase in water prices in Quebec. Sorry. Me: ... and that was Unemployed Johnny Bumear, our man on the streets. And sometimes he evens covers gutters, when he's scraped together enough to have bought some whiskey the night before. Enough of this darn Quebec thing. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Advertisement.... New from S&M records... ____________________________ | Australia's Funniest Home | | Video Show | | | | THE SOUNDTRACK ALBUM!!! | |___________________________| All your favourite funny home video moments in full stereo, on one compact disc or cassette. Includes such favourites as: "Look Mum, no hands!" "Be careful up on that ladder!" "Oh, what a cute little dog" "Watch me drive over this hill!" "Cat got your tongue?" "Hey Dad, catch!" "I didn't mean to kick you in the head" and many more! Buy it right now, and everytime you listen to it, you will laugh yourselves silly GUARANTEED! --- To order call 1-800-Pay-too-much --- Are you feeling tired? Run down? Like you've not had enough sleep? Are you feeling overweight? Fat? Too darn heavy? Like a bloated sack? Are you feeling ugly? Unattractive? Like a revolting walking turd face? Are you feeling unhealthy? Unfit? Like you'll die of heart disease at 20? Are you feeling stinky? Smelly? Does sweat ooze from every pore in your body? If so, then Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha . . . Do you object to that last advertisement? If so, send an email to us here at Dead Pig with the subject SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE AD COMPLAINT, which we will promptly delete. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- X____DEAR DEAD PIG____x "Column with a strange title illustration" A forum for readers of the Dead Pig Digest to send their mail. Dear Dead Pig, Here is a story me and my mate wrote one word at a time. One bright day I went over to my house for a big mac and fries. With a glass of sprite. It bloody stank of greeps. They tasted like manure from Satan's big ass. The next dark stormy cloudy snowy haily wet dry clean day, I decided to have some smelly cheese which looked very like your pants. During the summer, my thing grew hands, so I used them gleefuly for purposes which were very RUDE. Winter was bloody hot unlike Christmas. I went to the supermarket to seesome little ducks with orange sauce. Then I went to the other toilet where I saw Elvis with the biggest sandwich up in between the biggest hat and coat. It was bloody soft and hard. It was on TV with Mr. David Letterman. -Powdered TOAST Man Life is cheap, but toilet paper is expensive. US: Thanks for that, Mr TOAST Man. We didn't print all your story, since it went on for too long, and I think we got the general idea from those extracts. I can't think of any funny comments right now, so on with the next letter: Oh, Great Dead Pig, I write in awe of you, however I am curious as to why you invented high school. Especially the all-female. I attend St. Mary's Academy in Portland, Oregon, but of course you already knew that. Please tell me. I am dying to know. Successfully convincing people I am crazy, -Abby/Marta Lietke US: The Dead Pig invented High School because he feels that a good education is a must in this world of ours, and also because he finds suffering on a mass scale very amusing. In actual fact though, he did not invent school. He would never think of such a subtle means of torture all by himself. Now, on with the next letter, which I'm afraid needed some editing, but I think you'll agree that we've done a pretty good job, and you can't see were we've tinkered around a bit: Oh exhalted Dead Armadillo Yesterday I was walking to the toilet when I was suddenly accosted by a slimey piece of (Note: 5 words deleted here) they bog when they're really not feeling well. Anyway, this particular piece of baby (8 words deleted) I'm afraid it's rather unavoidable, because any other word would fail to express the true (1 word deleted) of what I want to say, which (Many, may words deleted) Thank you oh great Dead Armadillo and Semi-Comatose River Otter and Half-Lucid Pubic Louse and Almost-Alive Yellow Tufted ... oh, here's a question! I've just though of one!! Hooray!!! I've got a purpose for this letter. I'm finally (AAARRGGGHHHHH WEEEAAAA RRRREEEEAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!!)... THIS IS YOUR SERVER SPEAKING. THE LAST POSTER WAS AN IMPOSTER, AND HAS BEEN DISCONNECTED. SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIECE. US: Well, very nice. Thanks for that letter, whoever you are. I think that's all the letters we'll have this week. Could I please post a polite request to all you morons out there? Ha ha, of course, I'm only joking about you being morons, ha ha. Anyway, if you are going to write us a letter, could you guys keep the lengths down? 1-3k is a good size. We have received some very funny letters that we couldn't publish, basically because they would take up a quarter of the digest by themselves. Just a little something to keep in mind when you write to zarla@magna.com.au with your letters, suggestions, questions, credit card number, etc. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Our first three questions this week come from our good friend Ryan, keeper of one of the Dead Pig web pages (http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan): Q: What happens when I pierce my friends head with a blunt object, such as the baseball bat I am currently holding. You see, I want to hit him, but thought it would be more fun to push it slowly through his face. So what would happen if I did such a thing? A: Everyone would get a good, clean laugh. (Hint: When pushing the bat through his face, try to force it up his nose for the messiest effect and the most pain.) Q: How many people does it take to change Bruce's pyjamas? A: Dylan and me can handle it on our own, although we have to wear gas masks when handling them. Q: How much pig could a Dead Pig chuck if a Dead Pig could chuck pig? A: Well, funny you should mention that, but the other day the Dead Pig did indeed chuck pig. As most of you know, the Dead Pig has been rotting and decaying for some time now, and so a great deal of his guts has become a dripping mass of dead organs and flesh. So when he was watching Melrose Place upside down, which he does for a change every now and then, some of the congealed guts got up into his throat, and he began to chuck bits of pig all over the lounge room. There was quite a lot of it, too. The next two questions come from J.P. a very worthy follower of the Great Dead Pig, who also maintains one of the web pages (normally http://www.cs.uct.ac.za/~jbekmann, but it won't be available from 15 November 1995 to 22 Feb 1996). Here are the questions: Q: What is Bruce's favourite brand of fertilizer? Does he prefer organic of phospherous based products? A: He prefers the most natural kind of fertilizer you can get: Cow dung. As most of you followers know, Bruce spends most of this time buried under a bush in my garden, and so the choice of fertilizer he rots in is very important. He prefers the texture and smell of cow dung, rather than any chemical fertilizers. Q: Has Bruce (the great one) any theories on people that undergo "spontaneous combustion"? A: Yep. They're screwed. Well, that's about all the time we have for the digest this week. Remember, democracy is a good thing, like ice cream. Until we meet again, have a nice time! ALL HAIL THE DEAD PIG! Dead Pig web sites: http://alice.icanect.net/~sky http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan This document is copyright 1995 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. Here is a secret message. Enjoy it.