X-POP3-Rcpt: snrub@gco Date: Mon, 30 Oct 1995 20:09:52 +1100 Mime-Version: 1.0 To: (Recipient list suppressed) From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #20 Status: RO X-Status: _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #20 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: A mosquitoe sucks the blood | |oo| | of other creatures. It doesn't suck it's own. THAT would be | | -- | | DUMB. | \______/ | \----------/ Editorial Good morning, evening, afternoon, night, sub-light zone, or wherever the hell all you Dead Pig Followers are on the time scale. We at Dead Pig are very pleased at the multiculturalism that has occured in our worthy and beautiful publication. Australia, America, Ireland, England and France are just a few of the countries that don't receive this digest. Actually no, we tell a lie. For the purposes of accurancy, and us feeling self-important, here is a list of all the countries Dead Pig currently gets sent to (not including the small ones that nobody has ever heard of before, or ever will again, unless they invade a puddle somewhere) : Australia America Denmark Finland Ireland Netherlands South Africa United Kingdom If your country isn't here (we have a few area codes that we can't decipher) please send us some mail, which we will delete. Now, I have a concern. I recently (well, just now, in fact) put the subscribers email addresses into alphabetical order, and I realised WE HAVE NO SUBSCRIBERS WHOSE ADDRESSES START WITH 'Q'!!!!! OR 'X'!!!!! We have twenty 'J's for some strange reason, but no 'Q's or 'X's. So we have devised a competition. The first person get someone to subscribe who has either of these letters will get a SPECIAL mention in the Dead Pig Digest! You'll have to wait and see just how special SPECIAL is. What a great prize! Anyway, on with the digest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ with Bruce the Dead Pig Welcome to Snoutline, the news program with no inconsistzencesf. I'm your host, Bruce the Dead Pig. In news today, a man went psycho in a shopping mall, but unfortunately he didn't have a chainsaw. He only had a stapler, so the only casualty was a very old man who got staples in his eyes, ears, all over his face, and neck. He bled to death very slowly. Very very slowly. I have a recording of it on tape, if anyone wants a good laugh. In other news, a bus went of control, and crashed into a tree. None of the passengers were hurt, but the ten children who had built a treehouse in the tree fell out and cracked their heads on the pavement. They bleed to death. Very very slowly. I made a track of them calling weakly for their mummies as they died, if anyone out there is the mood for some light-hearted comic relief. Our last story this week is about how a robbery went horribly wrong, when the leader of the gang got spooked and shot all the clerks in various places in their bodies, then blew out the brains of his friends, then ran out into the street and killed seven more people, before shooting himself. I didn't bother with a recording. It's been done before. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAD PIG sort-of-proudly presents.... An Interview with poet extraordinare, Lucus Lemon ME: Hello HIM: How are today? ME: Well... HIM: "How are you today?" By Joe that would go great in a poem. "How are you today?" "Not bad" replied his wife ME: if you don't mind, I'd like to finish this interview HIM: Fine then ME: Have you written any good poetry? HIM: Yes I have, and here's my latest poetry book, take some extracts if you wish. I must go and write some more. ME: Thanks Extract from the poem "Power Drive" by Lucus Lemon Three People Happy and Happy Sunshine, flowers and raindrops Snowflakes, ice caps and earth destruction They are killing the rain forests Blowing up the coral Eating the wild animals THIS POEM SUCKS!!! Hey, how about some real poetry, in it's entirety. "Sportsman's Bet" by Dylan Behan There once was a sportsman from Wagga Wagga who wouldn't eat his weigh and curds so up came a man from Nantuckett and everywhere that the sportsmen went the sheep was sure say hello This sportsmen had a brother from Wagga Wagga everyone hated him because he had no earholes But he did not despair because he had no earholes He also had a milkman brother from Dubbo Dubbo whose friends were jealous of him Because he owned a half a boat Now available at your local record shop... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ADVERTISEMENT BREAK Is your nose clogged? Is your throat sore? Are you constantly coughing? Do you have a runny nose? Are your eyes itchy? Are your bowels green? Do your limbs fall off? Is your brain swelling? Is your kidney down at the pub drinking without you? If the answer is yes, we suggest you see a doctor, you are ill. NEXT AD MAN: I couldn't tell my boss I didn't feel like going to work today because I'm constipated. Hang on, yes I could've. ANNOUNCER: Stuff Metamucil, have a sickie. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today in your local newspaper: Ink --------------------------------------------------------------------------- X____DEAR DEAD PIG____x "Column with a strange title illustration" A forum for readers of the Dead Pig Digest to send their mail. Dear Dead Pig Snails are long, slimy AND crispy. Unlike their close relatives the slugs, the snails have a extra crispy bit, which make them long slimy and crispy. They inhabit places where long, slimy and crispy creatures would like to live (like the sole/soul of some people's shoes). Snail are far more clever than slugs and this is a common ground of dispute between snail and slug lovers. Some people eat snails. I think its the crispy bits that adds the bite, rather than slugs where it is just SSSSSSSlup and down he goes. Snails are also helpful in the garden. In the morning they are all over your lawn and you can get great pleasure from stepping on them and getting that friendly GOOD MORNIN' crunch which cheers up your whole day. I am demented. Can the Great Dead Pig help me -christiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan US: You are not demented. We thoroughly support the views you hold. Here is a letter from Linsel, Master of Lemure Magic. Dear Dead Pigs, I don't know about you, but I have just discovered something which really scares me. If "Lemur" was one of the "Seven Deadly Sins" then two of them would be primates! Perhaps god hates primates? What you think? US: We haven't the faintest idea what you are talking about. And please, you know that god doesn't exist. There is only the Great Dead Pig. Please keep your blasphemy to yourself. Here is a letter from a person we had to make up, since you guys out there aren't sending enough mail: Dear Dead Pig I have a problem. My boy friend, at the moment, thinks that I enjoy watching sumo restling, like he does. All he ever talks about is Sumo wrestling. It's starting to get on my nerves. The only reason I went out with him was to steal his shirt, put it on my scarecrow and crash my 747 plane on it. I've done that, now what do I do? I don't want to see him anymore, but the subliminal messages he hides in my alphabet soup I believe compel me to stay with him. I don't want to stay with him, but I must, must MUST MUST MUST MUST MUST STAY, NOT LEAVE, MUST STAY, stay, STAY, STAY. STAY, I'm not leaving. I must not consider leaving. *buzz* -click- Thanks for solving my problem -John Smithz US: We don't feel like solving your problem, since you're only fictitious. Sorry. Remember people, if you have letter to send, post it in the general direction of zarla@magna.com.au Not enough people are! Some of you out there we have never heard a peep from! Just a mass of voiceless addresses! Send us your questions, letters, poems, hit singles, articiles, reviews, etc. OR ELSE DIE! No, that might be getting a bit harsh. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's time again, blah blah, repeat ad nauseum ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Our first couple of questions come from Angelica, our good friend from the Netherlands! Q: Why do I look like shit in the morning? A: Who cares, when it is the dawning of a bright new day? When the birds are singing and the insects chirping? When the sun is peeping over the horizon and sending it's warm rays over the lush land? When . . . oh. Sorry about that. Q: How come some parts of my body smell like fish and not like pig? A: Everyones body chemistry is different. Some people are lucky enough to smell like pig, but others only smell like pig in some parts. If you are worried about this, a piggy smell can be obtained from buying raw pork chops or bacon from the butcher, and rubbing it vigouressly over your body. Hope this helps. Here are another two from John Smithz: Q: Is now a good time to buy shares in Garibaldi meats? A: Naw. What about Pan Am airways? I hear their shares are going up! Q: Why are Dylan and Sam using a pretend person to ask questions? A: Because they're getting desperate, since not enough people are writing in! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- \ \ | | / / THE _*ALL* __ *NEW*_ DEAD PIG SONG / / | | \ \ You Dig? You Big? Handsome or smelly? Dead Pig? Jig-a-jig-jig! Yes, it's always good to end on a really low note. Hey, maybe one of you guys out there could make up a better song? Maybe we deliberately made the song crap so you wouldn't feel out of your league writing in, seeing as how you're all dead heads, I mean valued subscribers. Anyway, we'll see you next time. Remember those web pages: http://gate.net/~sky http://www.cs.uct.ac.za/~jbekmann http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan This document is copyright 1995 Sam bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.