X-POP3-Rcpt: snrub@gco Date: Tue, 24 Oct 1995 18:26:52 +1000 Mime-Version: 1.0 To: (Recipient list suppressed) From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #19 Status: RO X-Status: _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #19 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: A lamprey is a jawless fish. | |oo| | Not the other kind. Don't you forget that. | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ Editorial Hello, Dead Pig Worshippers, and welcome to yet another Dead Pig Digest. I can't really be bothered with an editorial this week. So, on with the digest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- /-----\ | o o | SNOUTLINE \-----/ with Bruce the Dead Pig Welcome to Snoutline, and I'm your host; Bruce. Tonight on Snoutline, we discover that shoelaces cause cancer and later we declare war on a small eastern block country. But first, the news that is making headlines tonight: When Jeremy Loodle's friends found him unconscious with his head cracked open in three places after falling off his motorbike in the middle of the busy Pacific Highway last December, they thought he was dead. And they were right. Singer Tom Jones was injured in a concert in Los Angeles last night after an obsessed fan threw a three tonne tractor on the stage, breaking his left leg. Mr. Jones was quoted afterwards as saying "Oy, I think me leg's broken. Someone write me a song for me next album, and make sure the album cover shows more of me ugly old chest" Kevin Costner has announced he is going to release a sequel to his highly-successful-but-never-has-a-chance-of-ever-breaking-even movie, Waterworld. However after spending so much money on the last movie, this one will be filmed with a handycam at the bottom of a swimming pool. Unfortunately, they will not be using a water proof handy cam. Jerry Garcia announces he is not grateful. Weather expected in every major city around the world tomorrow. And finally Spike Milligan announces his parents named him after the family dog, Fido. Now it's over to a commercial break, we'll be back probably never. HOUSEWIFE: I can't seem to shift stains out my clothes, no matter how hard I try. COMMERCIAL GUY: Well Mrs. Acmeflood, it's your lucky day. Now washing clothes will be even easier with this marvelous new invention. It's called a "Washing Machine". HOUSEWIFE: Wow! Thank you Commercial Guy and thank you Washing Machine! COMMERCIAL GUY: Don't thank me, thank the wonders of modern science!!!!! HOUSEWIFE: Please don't use multiple exclamation marks around me. COMMERCIAL GUY: Sorry. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________ | || BRUCE'S || || || || | || || MOVIE || || || | || || ||REVIEW| || || |_____||_____||_____||_____||_____||_____|| ___________________________________________ THIS WEEK: CARRINGTON It was a love story. I didn't like it much. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- It has come to our attention that many people who read this digest fancy themselves as being a bit funny. Well, we always try to accomodate our reader's needs here at Dead Pig, so we asked the Dead Pig himself to make a stand up joke routine to help all you would-be laugh masters out there get ahead. Just learn this stand up routine, get yourself on stage, and Bruce says the money, babes/hunks, fame and fortune will just start rolling in! We haven't actually read it yet, but Bruce is NEVER wrong! Here it is: BRUCE, THE DEAD PIG'S Standup Jokes For Saying Down At The Pub Good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Mr Poo Poo. (Pause for laughter) I want to start the evening off with a few jokes. Hey, that's the second time I've said the word 'evening' since I started. (Pause for laughter) Now for my impression of a man saying hello to his friend Bert . . . Hi Bert. (Pause for laughter) Haha! Aren't I funny? (Everybody shouts out 'yes') I'm funnier than an ant, aren't I? (Pause for laughter) And ants are not funny, and if one was, no one would know, cause he couldn't talk! (Pause for laughter) Speaking of talking, I like to talk. I once talked so long my jaw fell off. (Pause for laughter) My cat was so sick, I had to take him to the vet. The vet said he had cancer and put him down. (Pause for laughter) My canary fell out of it's cage. (Pause for laughter) Now I want to talk about more serious matters . . . not really! (Pause for laughter) The other day I went to the doctor, and I didn't wasn't even sick! (Pause for laughter) During breakfast this morning I spilt the milk on the table, but that was alright because it was evaporated milk. (Pause for laughter) I hate brushing my teeth, so the other night I made an invention which doesn't brush your teeth. (Pause for laughter) My dog got run over by another dog . . . in a car! (Pause for laughter) Thank you for your time, I am Mr Poo Poo! (Bow, and if you are male, try to avoid all the bras and knickers that will get thrown on the stage. If you are female, watch out for whatever hunks wear.) It just goes to prove that the Dead Pig is one funny guy! He will sure be upset if you didn't laugh at those jokes he made up for you! He sure will! Ha ha haaa! Are we laughing? I sure hope so! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- X____DEAR DEAD PIG____x "Column with a strange title illustration" A forum for readers of the Dead Pig Digest to send their mail. Dear Beastie Boys: I am from the north of the USA, and I talk fine. People from the south of the USA talk funny, and the souther you go the funnier they talk. I examined a map (a big one!) and discovered that Australia is quite a long way south, so I must conclude that people there speak as funnily as can be. Here's my question: Does (did) Bruce snort with any particular accent? Would a pig from near me be able to understand him? (That was two questions, I know.) -Bert US: The Dead Pig doesn't snort with an accent. Since he has been around since the dawn of time, his was the first language, and it is spoken in the pure and correct way that language was meant to be spoken. Also remember that, even though he is south now, buried in my backyard, he originally roamed through the universe, where there is no south. Anyway, here is poem sent to us by a person called Greg: Sum poetree It's about dogs (which are almost like pigs. But nothing like a Dead Pig) THE DOG The dog. The dog is black. What color is the dog? The dog is black! Why is the dog black? Because the dog is not brown! The dog. The dog is black. US: Thanks for that, Greg. Remember readers, if you want to send in anything to Dead Pig, a letter, an article, a question, problem, anyhting at all, send it to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line JAZZ IS THE REASON MY MUM IS A CANNIBAL, or any other subject line you like. Dear Bruce As you are knower of all knowledge, I am thinking of forming a band with some friends from school. The name I was thinking of, is very, very, very original and should cause no copyright problems. The name is "The Beatles". Good name huh? US: Yep. That's all for letter time, or whatever the hell I called this segment. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- And it's yet again that time for this stupid joke again when I say again, again a lot of times, and say times again a lot of times, and I won't be doing it next week again, because the joke was crap to begin with again, and it's time to end it, but for now, it's that time again for that time again, which is called ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? To start off, here are some questions that we made up and are going to pretend came form real people. Our first two questions come from, er, Dylan and Sam, no, no, from John. Yes, from John. Q: Do stuntmen do their own stunts? A: No, they do other people's stunts. Q: Do some really old, respected stuntmen have stuntmen come in and do the stunts for them? It would not surprsie me at all. A: Well what would surprise you? If I told you I was really a man, perhaps? Well, I am, actually. I guess that wouldn't surprise you at all, really. Our next couple of questions come from Sam's good email buddy, the wondrous Angelica! (say hi to Gita for me!) Q: Is there a heaven, oh great bad smelling swine? A: No, but there is a big pig pen, filled with filth and waste. That's where all the faithful Dead PIg worshippers go when you die. Otherwise, you go to the Realm of Apples, a revolting, clean, place with many trees where everyone loves each other. It's really grosss there. Q: Is watching te re-run of Star Trek bad for ones brain? A: Of course! All that technical talk on Star Trek is extremely educational. If ever you get kidnapped by green aliens from the future who want to experiment on your liver, but you manage to sucker punch them and escape in a ufo, you won't be much good if you can't operate it, will you? --------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------- |AAAARGH!| -------- Yes, it's time for some AAAARGH!s. A lot of you newer Dead Pig subscribers won't know what an AAAARGH! is, unless you've stocked up on back issues, because there hasn't been one for a while. But now, we are proud to bring to you, more last words of people in various sitautions! A) A child getting crushed by a man in a teddy bear suit with a mallet: 'Look mummy, teddy bear! Hello, Mr Teddy! Hee hee hee! I love you Mr Teddy, you funny! Hey, what dat? A funny mallet? Hee hee -' CRACK CRACK THUMP SQUISH SQUISH PULP PULP PULP PULP PULP . . . B) A short sighted man who has mistaken a syringe for an eye dropper and is accidentally bumped by his wife coming into the bath room. 'Ooh! My eye infection is sure playing up! I'll just take off my glasses and get that dropper thingy! Ah, now where is it? Aha! I'll just drop some of this stuff into my eye, and everything will be hunky dory! Hmm, doesn't seem to be working -' BUMP, PIERCE 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH MY BRAIN' BLEED BLEED STAGGER BLEED BLEED BLEED BLEED BLEED BLEED BLEED THUMP . . . C) A young boy who has mistaken some acid for zit cream 'Well, I'll just put this stuff on, and then I'll finally be popular!' SLOSH SLOSH PAT PAT 'Ah, now just massage gently into skin . . . hey . . . ack! What's happening to my hands?' BURN BURN BURN 'EEEEEEEEECK! AAAAAAH! MY . . . MY FACE!' BURN BURN BURN ROT ROT ROT ROT 'AAAAAAAAAAAAA OH MY GOD! MUM! PLEASE, HELP ME!' SIZZLE SIZZLE SIZZLE 'AAAAAAA . . .' Drip drip drip . . . Well that's enough violence for this week. And that's all for this week's Digest also. Remember, send your submissions to zarla@magna.com.au, and until next week, remember, there is no problem so great it can't be solved by killing someone. All hail the Dead Pig! Have a nice time. http://gate.net/~sky http://www.cs.uct.ac.za/~jbekmann http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan (Ryan has been coverting back issues to hmtl thingos. Those that have been changed look better now.) This document is copyright 1995 Sam bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.