X-POP3-Rcpt: snrub@gco Date: Tue, 17 Oct 1995 21:13:40 +1000 Mime-Version: 1.0 To: (Recipient list suppressed) From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #18 Status: RO X-Status: _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #18 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: Try doing work experience, | |oo| | volunteer work, acting classes, school work and writing | | -- | | Dead Pig, all while you're sick in one day if you want to | \______/ | feel tired. \----------/ Editorial Hello, Dead Pig Followers, and welcome to another weeeeeeee . . . another weeeeeeeee . . . sorry, just having a bit of trouble keeping awake, since as you can probably tell from the Dead Pig Thought, Dylan and I are pretty goddamn tired. Actually, that should be DeadPigdammed tired, since there is no other god in our lives, of course. Well anyway, enough of our minor problems, I'm sure they won't effect the quality of the digeeeeeeeeee . . . --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dead Pig News Update FRENCH GOVERNMENT SAYS: PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE The French Government(I think that's meant to have a capitol) have said today in an international press conference that they wish everyone would settle down and stop taking this whole nuclear mutating environmentally devastating bomb thing so damn seriously. They say all they want is to be left alone, and other governments should stop picking on them. After all, they are letting off bombs on their own soil, aren't they? It's perfectly legal. They were the ones, after all, that sailed into a group of inhabited islands and stole them from the natives. That's perfectly legal. So they should be able to blow up the stupid natives if they like. So please everyone, stop taunting the French Government, or else they'll cry. In other news . . . GIANT FLYING PINK CATFISH IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA According to our sources(one drunken man in a gutter) a giant flying pink catfish has appeared in Western Australia. We didn't go to Western Australia ourselves to cover the story, but one of my friends who went there for a holiday swears on his life that a drunk told him it was so. We don't know if the catfish poses a threat or not. Catfish have never been known to be particularly violent or rude, but we have never heard of a giant flying pink one before. We would say though, as a preliminary warning,that you should not leave it alone with your childen. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________ | || BRUCE'S || || || || | || || MOVIE || || || | || || ||REVIEW| || || |_____||_____||_____||_____||_____||_____|| ___________________________________________ This week: WATERWORLD This so called "Northern Hemisphere Summer Blockbuster" turned out to be a movie which based entirely on water. The basic plot is this; some anti-environmentalist left his/her tap running while on holidays, and the whole world flooded, leaving all land underwater. This movie is set some hundreds of years after, where people live on the water and have done so for years. Everyone obviously has a boat or someother floatable vehicle, otherwise they would drown. Kevin Costner stars as the hero of this movie (surprise, surprise), and he obviously lived over the sunken atoll of Mururoa as a child, because he has gills and can manage to breath underwater, so he therefore does not have to live above the water, but for some dumb reason he does and gets into all sorts of trouble that could have been avoided if he had have lived underwater. Anyway, he's on this boat, and everyone on this "water world" has a belief that somewhere there is land, or "dry land" as they call it for some dumb reason. If there was land, above water of course it would be dry! They mention other such as "wet rain" and "swimming fish". Anyway, everyone punches around for a while talking about that. This movie, like many other movies, except that one based on the tv show "The Price Is Right", has an enemy, or a group of enemies. Then again, some people do consider that switch-eroo game in "The Price Is Right" an enemy. Anyway, the enemies in this movie are called "Smokers", obviously because they do not know of nicotine patches in the future. Anyway, they wish to capture this little girl, (who sort of reminds me of Curly-Sue), because she has a tatoo on her back which supposedly leads to "dry land". This girl and her guardian escape certain death after a raid on their floating town by the smokers, and end up in the "love boat" Kevin Costner's character's boat, who by the way remains nameless throughout the whole movie, except if you look closely at the mailbox on his boat you will see the name "Dances with Sharks" written on it. Anyway, this movie proves that any publicity (even if it is negative) is better than no publicity at all. Of course Waterwold was well known for going way over budget and becoming the most expensive movie of all time, as well as sword fights and arguments between the crew (and that was just over the donuts), people falling seasick, and the changing of directors. Meanwhile, for "Nine Months" to get a lot of publicity and boost it's box office takings, Hugh Grant has sex with a prostitute on Sunset Blvd. I don't get it??? Anyway, Waterworld is a movie which has the same chance as a heater salesman in hell of breaking even and even less of a chance of making a profit. Watchin the movie is like getting hit in the face with a wet fish. It's alright once, but the more times it happens to you, the less you like it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is column that was subkitted by the Dead Pig's good friend, Sky: The Column With No Name Brought to you this week by the number A and the letter 3! Last night, while I was contemplating the giant poster of Bruce's rump which hangs in my closet, I was suddenly inspired by a thought, no, a vision, no, an inspiration, no, a mind-boggling bunch of senseless drivel! The voice of the Dead Pig himself rang forth in my mind and told me, "You will write a column for the Dead Pig Digest!" Not knowing what to make of this miraculous event, I called my shrink, and he told me that perhaps the best way to deal with this would be to write a column for Dead Pig Digest. But, I hate my shrink, so I decided to write a column for Dead Pig Digest instead. So, without any further ado, sit back, grab a can of warm Coke, and get ready for the premier of... The Column With No Name! Well, that's all the time we have for this week. Be sure to tune in next week for the next exciting installment of The Column With No Name! (c)1995 Sky -- the opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily those of the Dead Pig, anyone connected with Dead Pig Digest, or the author. Use only as directed. You can visit sky's home page(where there are back issues of Dead Pig) at http://gate.net/~sky --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A new column of Dead Pig Digest called Dear Dead Pig, where we print letters we have recieved. Send your moral dilemmas, problems and comments on life to us. X____DEAR DEAD PIG____x "Column with a strange title illustration" Dear Dead Pig, Your Dead Pig society is so inspiring that I've decided to stop eating with my mouth full. Ever since reading your first Dead Pig digest I've fallen in love with Bruce. I've sold my tractor, and started cultivating brussell sprouts in my pajamas. Praise the Great Dead Pig, Bruce be with you and also with you. (Sam's note: Iiiich! Horrible joke! No that we don't make them frequently.) Please grace my computer with the word of Bruce. Aloha Monkey Boy. -Cadet Mattew US: Thank you for the praise, however, we are dispointed that you have only sold your tractor. Please sell your house as well. Here is another letter we got from a man called Morris, in response to our Horror scope we ran a week or so back: Dear Dead Pig, So, it appears that I really do fall within a zodiacal sign that fits my character. Being born under the sign of Morris the Egyptian Resauranteur is in keeping with my name, and also with my recent experiences: either eating and sleeping too much or not enough. Does this mean that astrology really does work? But the last bit troubles me. I am, as far as I know, neither Egyptian nor a resauranteur. Could I be leading a double life without knowing about it? -Morris Jones the Australian journalist. US: You may well be leading a double life you know nothing about Morris. It's surpsring how many people are. Bruce himself was leading a double life for many years. In one life, the one we know and love, he was the Great Dead Pig, but in the other he was a lowly rotting carcass in the ground. Next letter: Dear Dead Pig I have a problem with a friend. One night after me and my friends were out we went back to another friend's house for coffee. As we entered the friend's kitchen we saw slugs crawling across the kitchen floor, and the friend fell to his knees and started licking them. We did not think there was anything wrong with it in the beginning but later on I started to worry about his behaviour. Is there anything wrong with his behaviour? Where can I send him if the is something wrong? And where can I send the slugs, for they took deep emotional strain? I hope the GREAT DEAD PIG in all his wisdom can help me in my time of need. Hail BRUCE!!! -christiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan US: You can send the slugs into a blender and then into a large thick shake and then into your stomach. That is the best place for slugs. And as for your friend, you are wrong to worry about him. It is not him, but you, that have the problem. It is perfectly normal that people lick slugs. They taste nice. Their slimey backs are a good source of nutrition. You'd be mad not to take advantage of them. That's all the letters we feel like having this week. If you want to send in a letter, a question, an article, an anything, please feel free to mail us at zarla@magna.com.a --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yes, without any of our usual tomfoolery, it's that that time again again that time again which is that time again, again for that time, ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Our first question comes from a person who thinks that their name is Captain Kirk, same as that famous old character in the Sci-fiction classic, Mr Ed. Q: Why do I hate my sister's piano playing? A: I dunno. I have a headache. I'm tired. I don't feel like making up any more humouress responses. Another question this week comes from Cadet Mattew again: Q: I have a friend who's got a really itchy (scratch, scratch) venereal disease (scratch, scratch). Do you know of any quick (scratch) cures? A: Yes. A question from Mr. Smith Pulloffmynose. No relation. Q: Dear Master Of The Universe, I was wondering, wouldn't it be wonderful if you did a segment in your digest about the art of cow dung eating. Would you please respond with an answer? A: Remember to send us in your questions. A couple of seconds of your time to type them out and click the 'send' button is much appreciated. Perhaps. I think I may have lost some questions that faithful subscribers out there have sent in, so if you have sent in questions that didn't get answered, I say to you, from the bottom of my heart, "Thump thump thump". You sad cases. Heh heh. Sorry. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's about it for this weeks digest. Join us next week for the same words re-arranged in different combinations. Tell your friends to join Dead Pig. Wear pyjamas. Send in questions and other things. And have a nice time. Here are the web sites you can back issues of Dead Pig: http://www.cs.uct.ac.za/~jbekmann http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan Bye bye. All hail the Dead Pig! This document is copyright 1995 Sam bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.