X-POP3-Rcpt: snrub@gco Date: Wed, 11 Oct 1995 12:17:20 +1000 Mime-Version: 1.0 To: (Recipient list suppressed) From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #17 Status: RO X-Status: _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #17 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: Robots have feelings too. | |oo| | | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ Hello, Dead Pig Followers. Sorry the digest is a little late, but it has been a rather long week for me I'm afraid (eight days rather than seven, for some reason.). For one thing, the Dead Pig fell off the couch while watching Melrose Place, and tore a great big rotting piece of flesh off his bum on the way down, which we had to sew back on for him. For another, he fell off the couch during the ads between Melrose Place, and broke off his leg at the knee, which we had to hammer back on. But we didn't have any nails, so we had to use uncooked spaghetti, which is not very effective. Anyway, enough of our troubles, on with the digest. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dead Pig News CRIMINAL SENT TO JAIL!!! Yes, you read it right! Later today a man called Gip Trap was convicted of being a criminal, and is going to be spending some time in jail! Amazing as it may seem, we assure you that it is true! He allegedly did some things that were against the law, and the authorities have reacted by sending him to jail! Jail! Allegedly! Exclamation mark! We bring you exclusive interviews! We speak to Gip Trap's Butcher! We reveal the facts! The figures! Stay tuned for more details! WEATHER!!!!! The weather today will be cool to mild! Maybe some showers later in the afternoon! Light cloud cover! We bring you the exclusive facts! The figures! The shocking details! There will be no more news today! That's right, no more news! Amazing as that may seem! We bring you the facts! The figures! Exclusive! Scoop! Etc! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is a letter we recieved that we did not make up* *A lie Dear Sir/Madam Just a reminder that all purchases from our home shopping advertisements must be payed for. Currently you owe us for the following items: 1 Bath On A Rope $743.50 1 pair of Tiawanese-made Exercise Hats $49.95 2 copies of the video cassette "Ernest Goes Shopping" $99.95 1 Lose Weight Fast 1942 Britannica 24 Volume Encycolpedia $1000.45 1 12 CD set "The Swinging Decade - Best Of The 1240's" $74.50 1 pair of Suicide Steak Knives $23.47 3 Wooly Echidna Jumpers $109.95 1 "America's Funniest Kato" video cassette $1.50 7 x postage and handling $9832.23 _______________________________________________________________________ Total amount payable I'm no good at Mathematics Your sincerely, -Rip-Me-Off-Please-I'm-A-Gullible-Twit Home Shopping Here is a really real piece of fanmail from someone who calls themselves MEJ. DS VIVIERS that we got about a hundred years ago: Dankie. Interpretasie: Oh how can I ever make this up to you. My god I am ever indebted to you - you have altered my life and made me a better person and I can never thank you enough, all shows of gratitude are so miniscule compared to the great deed you have done for me - oh how horrible the fact that this heavenly deed shall never be rewarded to it's worth. Suicide is an option for me who is so greatly indebted that death would be the ultimate price I could pay. Blah blah potroast. Thank you for that letter, MEJ. DS WHATEVER. As for the rest of you out there, you see how the Dead Pig affects people? Just a bit of inspriration to get your friends to join. They will think you are cool if you do. If you take copies of Dead Pig to parties, you will be the life of the party. If you show Dead Pig to your school teachers or university professors, they will always give you full marks! This is guaranteed! Sort of! So act today, and send Dead Pig to all your friends!* *Assuming you have any --------------------------------------------------------------------------- And now it's that time again for that time, again, which is thattime again, which is; ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Our first four questions this week come from our good associate, Mr AGM Burns. Q: Does Rambo do his own stunts?? A: I hate to break it to you, but Rambo is just a fictional character. I'm sorry if this comes as a shock to you. Perhaps you could cuddle your teddy bear for comfort. Q: Is it neccesary to eat pork free viennas when you subscribe to Dead Pig? A: There is no such thing as a free pork viena in this modern world of ours. Q: How many babies are born over the world in 35 seconds? A: Well, this was a bit of a hard question to answer. I gave it to Dylan, who is an expert with this kind of thing, and he went away and though about it for a few days, before he rung me up to tell me that he doesn't know. I don't know. In fact, neither of us know. If you had only asked us how many were born every 45 seconds, we would have been able to help you out. Q: What is the fastest way to vapourise totally your worst enemy???? A: With a VAPOURISER. However, a better way of solving this problem would be to talk with this enemy and try to sort out your differences. Try to get along with him. Then when he trusts you, club him to death with a cricket bat. That method is much more fun than just vapourising them, because there's more mess and it takes longer for your enemy to die. Now for a quick question from someone who calls himself/himself Rocka: Q: I can't do this assignment. What should I do? A: Go to Figi and become an island doctor instead. And our last question this week comes from a person/alien called Dwight: Q: If a Dead Pig falls in the forest, does the tree hear the sound? A: A Dead Pig usually doesn't fall off anything except a couch. He doesn't like forests much, because of all the fresh air, so he would not be in one in the first place. But if by some chance he was in the forest, and he fell, then the tree would not hear a sound, because trees don't have ears. I thought EVERYBODY knew that! Actually, I lied. Here is our last batch of questions from Dave, the Hungarian Beast, in poem form: Last time I wrote I asked about maggots and what Bruce's views are on military faggots. I asked what he thought about a lesbian and if he had ever been a thespian. Now the questions that are on my mind I impart upon the ever great swine. Does Bruce have a favorite instrument he backs? Perhaps a little tune from Kenny G on the Sax? Does Bruce ever get sick and come down with the flu? Does he get constipated and cannot go poo? Does Bruce ever get pains in his ham hocks? That he screams out in agony every time he walks? Please answer these questions, one at the least. Your loving follower Dave the Hungarian Beast! Here is out answer: Bruce likes to play on the kazoo And he enjoys coming down with the flu He then makes boogas by the pound Rolls them in balls and flicks them around When he constapated, we put on our gloves Help cleans him out (and this Bruce loves) The nerves in his ham hocks have long rotted away So it is easy to keep pain there at bay I hope that helps you understand If it doesn't than I'll be . . . er . . . darned? Yes, bad poetry at it's best! By the way, please excuse Dave's use of the word 'faggots'. We hope no large logs of wood out there got offended. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is another letter we got from an anonymous sender: Mice Mice Mice TOASTEMS!!!! They kill brain cells! Hmmm. Yes, well, whoever sent this, that was very good. Yes, very good indeed. Now get back in your pen please. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- _____ /----/| /----/ | DEAD PIG INTERVIEWS /____/__| DEAD PIG INTERVIEWS / DEAD PIG INTERVIEWS | | | <--- A microphone ____|_____ /_________/ DEAD PIG INTERVIEWS.... This week we have a transcript from our interview Matthew Snotinmyface, a five year old child genius who claims to have broken the laws of time and space, discovered and translated the Rosetta Stone, developed a new synthetic plastic called "Wahha-he-haw polymer", halted the gradual leaning of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and painted a picture of his house using crayons. Us: So, tell us Mr. Snotinmyface, how long did it take you to draw this lovely picture of your house? Him: Errr, I dunno Us: Well, it contains such detail. I just mean look at this picture. I think I can make out a window on the house, or is it a door? No hang on, that is the house. My mistake. Him: I'm hungry. Can I go now? Us: No. Now, tell me about your other most remarkable projects. Him: I drawed a picture of a elephant. Us: Yes, so I can see. Gee, look at that. It even appears to have a trunk. Like a real elephant. It's incredible. Him: No silly, that's my picture of daddy. Us: Wooooohhhh, whoops. Well, he must have an awfully big nose. Him: I wanna go home. Us: Well, thanks for this interview Mr. Snotinmyface. Any closing remarks. Him: Yes. (pause) Us: And what's that? Him: I wanna go home. Us: Yes, that was our interview with Matthew Snotinmyface, and just from what I have seen today, I hope that the children of the next generation will be better than this loser. Errr, oops. Can we edit that out? Technician: Yeah Us: Phew Technician: (whispers) But I'm not going to. Us: What was that? Technician: I just said, errr, peace may finally come to the former Czech republic. Us: Yeah, well that's what we are all hoping for. Not that I care, though. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Remember, if YOU want to send us some stuff here at Dead Pig Digest, it would be much appreciated and probably put in the digest. You can send them to us at zarla@magna.com.au, with the subject line HELLO BOOFACE CLARK KENT IS MY MUM, or any other subject line you like. It doesn't really matter. Well, that's it for this week. I hope you all are well, unlike myself who is infested with a terrible head cold, and hope you enjoy your little protected lives, even though thousands of children die each day of starvation. Until next time, Dead Pig Folowers. All hail the Dead Pig! Dead Pig Web Pages: http://www.cs.uct.ac.za/~jbekmann http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan http://www.gate.net/~sky This document is copyright 1995 Sam bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. No secret message this week.