Date: Tue, 3 Oct 1995 17:04:27 +1000 From: Sam Bowring Subject: Dead Pig Digest #16 _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #16 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: Sadness spreads like a disease. | |oo| | A disease also spreads like a disease. | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ Good day to you, Dead Pig Followers. How are you? Oh, good! I'm glad you're fine! Here we are at Dead Pig Digest #16, which of course signifies that we have been going for six weeks, or to say it another way, four months. Now, four months is a significant number to Dylan and I because it is the number of times we have caused permanent injuries to each other's spinal cords. So naturally, we feel very proud to bring you this, the sixteenth, and final, Dead Pig ever. Just kidding. had you scared, didn't I? You were all thinking 'Oh my god, how can I possibly live without my Dead Pig Digest' weren't you? You were thinking 'Well, I might as well just commit ritual suicide, now that I won't be getting Dead Pig anymore' weren't you? At least, we hope you were. Anyway, enough of this mindless introduction, on with the Digest! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dead Pig News Update: FRENCH GOVERNMENT BANS WORSHIP OF DEAD PIG Yes, it is true. France had declared that anyone found worshipping the Dead Pig within it will be put in jail to serve life sentences. (Tip - a good way to get out of life sentences is to kill yourself) This decision obviously has monumental implications on our French subscribers, butobviously they will be loyal enough and risk themselves to worship their maker. I honestly cannot think of a worse thing that France has done in a long time. I think and think, but France has recently been very just and unselfish when it comes to world matters. They are always very fair, and never do anything bad to, for example, and environment that does not really belong to them. If anyone out there can think of an example of something France has done that is worse than banning the Dead Pig from it's shores, than please, email us. In other news . . . NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENED -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HISTORY TIME It occured to me, as I looked over a few back issues of Dead Pig, that not only are they filled with spelling mistake, usually situated right in the middle of a really funny joke so it spoils it, but also that we have a distinct lack of Historical Educational Material. So I thought about this for a while, and then I thought 'Well, who cares?' So there will be no Historical Educational Material in this issue of Dead Pig. In fact, there will probably never be. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, now it's time again for that time again, again which is that time again, and yes, it;s that time again again, that time which is ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Yes, that's right! And our first two questions this week, which has been sitting in my eudora for about six weeks, because I forgot it was there, comes to us from our good friend Mr Ryan Queen: Q: Why is it that Batman Forever when we all know nothing can go forever? I mean, I know Batman has been around for a while but it won't be forever will it? Or is that just a warning for the running time of the movie? A: Well, Ryan, I'm afraid you are sadly mistaken. There is one thing that does go on forever. And can you guess what that is? It shouldn't be hard for a true follower of the Dead Pig. In fact, I really just gave it away. Yes, that's right, it's SPAM. Sorry, no,that was incorrect, I meant to say it is the Almighty Dead Pig Himself, Bruce, who will go on forever. He will defiently be dead from now until the end of time. But this doesn't really answer your question, does it? Oh well, maybe next time. Q: Is Bruce really in your garden? A: A lot of the time he is buried in my garden, under a bush. Like I've said before, sometimes we dig him up so he can watch Melrose Place by himself, while wearing pyjamas of course. It would be more accurate to say, however, that his physical body is in my garden, while his consciousness roams the world, looking after all of his faithful followers, and eating bugs. He likes those bugs. Here are another two long forgotten questions, from a person who laughingly signs their name Christiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan: Q: How many sugars does the Bruce take in his coffee? A: Well, Christiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, Bruce prefers Earl Grey english tea rather than coffee. He's a very refined Dead Pig. Well, not actually, but that's only if you pay attention to the facts. Q: If the Great Dead Pig created the whole earth out of one ball of his shit how can he fit on a normal chair? For he must be one big Dead Pig. A: Oh yes, he is. That's why we have to get his chairs custom made, when he wants one. But usually he's happy to sloth around on the ground. And by the way, we don't use bad language in this digest. Please restrict your use of saying 'normal chair'. Our last question this week comes from someone who goes by the slightly grammatically correct name of Pus Sucker. Q: There's a dead horse out back. Does he Bruce know him? I've asked the horse but he never answers me. A: Yes, Bruce knows him. They occasionally do business lunches together. But they don't usually get much business done, what with their both being dead. They just sort of sit around, decomposing. If you have questions, please send them to zarla@magna.com.au Also, this is the place to send mail if you want an article, letter, request, poem, AAAARGH, or anything else you want us to read or put in the digest. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _______________ / \ / R. I. P. \ | | | | THIS WEEK: Bruce attempts to | BRUCE's | tell your future | HORROR | in his horrorscope. | SCOPE | | | | | _______/ \__________ First of all, I would like to make a brief note. The signs of the zodiac of which you might have been previously aware, are completely false, and to believe or follow them is an act of blasphemy towards the Dead Pig. This horror scope features the real star signs. Johnny the Anorexic Bull (January 1st - February 12th) Your stars tell me that there is dense cloud cover and I cannot see them. Expect light patchy rain for the next few days. Victor, the Talking Caterpillar (February 13th - February 30th) Victor tells me of half price movie tickets if you are aged under 16. I see this as an opportunity to see twice as many movies if you are a child. Your parents die this week. Morris the Egyptian Resteraunter (March 1st - October 18th) As the largest star sign in the part of the sky which no one bothers looking at, Morrisites this week will probably eat or sleep not as much or too much than they think they should. Beware the speeding van of death. Tim Shaw the Human Infomercial (October 19th) You have a natural abiltiy for breathing. Don't fail to exercise the gift, or you may one day lose it. Brian Fuggerty, the Saucepan (October 20th - November 22nd) Don't cook fried eggs too long, or they will Stick to Mr. Fuggerty. If you die this week, you will no longer be alive. Easter Bunny (November 23rd - December 24th) It is not Easter this week, so try to achieve the life long goals of other people and then tease them about it. Santa Claus (December 25th) This week you meet your true love. However, he/she is married to a bus seat. Don't try to break up this relationship though. He/she will eventually realise exactly how compatible you are, but unfortunatley you will have already died of brain failure. Zonny the Suicidal Chimp (December 26th - December 31st) Zonny has not yet suceeded in killing himself since we confiscated his razor and tied him to a tree. If you do not tie yourself to a tree, you will arrested for fraudulent vegetable activities. Alan Smith the Failed Business Executive Who Dresses Up Like a Clown (Tuesday) If you were born on a tuesday, you deserve something more than a dead road kill cat for your birthday. Thank you very much Bruce, for taking the time out of your empty schedule to bring us this helpful and accurate horror scope. Everyone pray a thank you to Bruce tonight. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is a letter we got from Danny Schimtt: Greetings! I am just writing to say that I thoroughly enjoy your excellent publication, and to wish y'all wellness and very, very large sticks of wood! YES!!! With Really, Really Sharp ends that you might find suitable for jabbing things with repeatedly with. Oh, yes, and my stunt double Richard Gronomous has a question for the all-knowing and evervescent Dead Pig. As follows: Dear Bruce, Y'know those little rubber push-buttons on those poles by crosswalks? Y'know, those cute little red or yellow or black buttons that we all press nervously over and over and over to try to get a WALK signal? Yes, those ones. My question is: (how) do they work? Yours, listening-to-Aerosmith-fully, Richard "Dick" Gronomous Note: The author(s) of this article claim no responsibility for any injuries, incurred or implied, resulting from the use or mis-use of Really, Really Pointy Sticks. --Legal Editor Well, Richard, this really should have been in the question segment above, but we are feeling generous today, so we have given you a ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? all to yourself. Yes, and our first question in this special question time devoted to Richard, comes from the one and only, Richard! Here it is again, just to remind you guys: Q: Y'know those little rubber push-buttons on those poles by crosswalks? Y'know, those cute little red or yellow or black buttons that we all press nervously over and over and over to try to get a WALK signal? Yes, those ones. My question is: (how) do they work? A: I don't know. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well, that's about it for this weeks Dead Pig Digest. Remember to cross the road between the flags, and here is a list of web sites where you can get back issues of Dead Pig Digest: http://www.cs.uct.ac.za/~jbekmann http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan and also, you can visit the very nice home page of Sky at http://www.gate.net/~sky where you will find, if you look around, a shrine to the Dead Pig! Visit it today! Also, Dylan now has his own messy home page set up. There's some old Dead Pig stuff there as well as some of Dylan's other work. It's well worth a visit at http://www.geopages.com/broadway/1969 See you next week, and please, please, have a nice time. All hail the Dead Pig! This document is copyright 1995 Sam bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.