_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #15 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: Rock and roll, get down and | |oo| | boogey, and be cool, you dudes! I am a hip, happenin' dude. | | -- | | Kinda. | \______/ | \----------/ Hello, oh followers of the Great Dead Pig, Bruce the Almighty. And how are we all this fine midsummer morning? Good, I hope. Well, welcome to this, the fifteenth ever Dead Pig Digest. There shall never again be a fifteenth Dead Pig Digest, so grab your chance today! Fifteen is also a very special number to me and Dylan, because it is the number you would get if you counted the numbers of hairs on our collective noses and divided it by two. Well, on with the digest. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAD PIG NEWS UPDATE Welcome to the DEAD PIG news update. Now it's time to see what's in the news with the DEAD PIG news update. DEAD PIG NEWS UPDATE Yes indeed. It's the DEAD PIG news update. And here it is.. DEAD PIG NEWS UPDATE Welcome to this week's DEAD PIG news update. Now, to get updated on the news, it's over to the DEAD PIG NEWS UPDATE In the headlines this week. 1) The Penny Easton Affair and Police Corruption Royal Commissions: Who Gives a Stuff? 2) Mike Tyson claims his matches are not rigged 3) The French applaud as three tonnes of sea coral erupts, killing many rare species 4) Sydney gets it's first casino, but because of the no singlets, no shorts and no thongs dress rules, most Australians will not be able to go and lose all their money. 5) Will America have it's first Black president. Arnold Jackson from the 80's Tv show "Diff'rent Strokes" has no comment on whether he is going to run or not. All he would say is "Whatchya talkin 'bout Brucey?" 6) Europe collapses into centre of earth as... ooops that doesn't happen until next week. 7) The World Users Association of Computer Programmers today announced their favourite word: Boolean (due to te fact that this in really what is referred to as an 'in-joke', due not pop a brain vein trying to work it out) 8) 25 years on from the so called "English Woodstock", Isle of Wight music festival 90% percent of people who attended still spell it the "Isle of White". This is the same 90% that thought £3 was too much at the time to see Jimi Hendrix, the Doors, Joni Mitchell and others, so they did not pay. 9) To reduce the number of deaths on road around the Christmas-New Year break, the Canadian government is considering moving the new year to March 31st. More on those stories later, now it's time for... DEAD PIG NEWS UPDATE Boolean. Ha Ha Ha Ha. -------- |AAAARGH!| -------- Yes, now it's time for those gratuitously violent little pieces of stuff, in which we tell of the last words of various people. A) A man eating a nuclear missile, which is disguised as a tic tac. 'Gee, I'm going out on a date tonight. And for self confidence, and fresh breathe I enjoy tic tacs! Yummo. In three great flavours. Gulp. Hmmm Hmmm. BOOM ARRRRR ARRRRR ARRRRR MY BOWELS!!!! HELP HELP!! Anyone get that on camera, funniest home videos grand prize here we come! OH THE PAIN!' B) A semi-blind man crawling around looking for his contact lense on a train track. 'Now, I know it fell out somewhere here. Oh here it is. (toot toot) Now if I can only get it to go back into my SPLAT BODOM-DODOM Oh, there it is. Now, if I can just find my legs . . .' C) A man about to die of boredom. 'I'll just check my e-mail. Cool, my first issue of this dead pig digest thing. I'll just open it up and have a read.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is a letter we got that brought some very real concerns to light; Sam, I really enjoyed the CHEESE issue. Wonderful stuff. However . . . I have been wondering why your fine publication has not covered anything about the whole issue of UFO's and alien life forms. I think you could do justice to the subject. Certainly I cannot be the only one who has noticed that you have been ignoring the issue. Keep up the good work... Karen Well Karen, I passed your letter on to Dylan in the hope that he could help you out, since he is an expert on ufos, maybe, and here is what he came up with: o o o o o o o o o o o o | o | o o o | o | | | | o| |o | BRUCE'S VIEW OF SCIENCE | | | o | A new column about Science, Technology |____| and the Supernatural |OBMW| |XPOS| |LAOK| \DOFW/ \__/ As I was pondering the NASA world wide web page the other day, I discovered that the equipment used by NASA to look for other life forms in outer space, in March this year picked up the following coded message from a radio signal from an unknown planet. HELLO HELLO US HELLO ALIENS HELLO FROM HELLO THE HELLO PLANET HELLO SUN HELLO WILL HELLO BE HELLO INVADING HELLO EARTH HELLO ON HELLO NOVEMBER HELLO 21ST HELLO 1995 HELLO AND HELLO WE HELLO WILL HELLO BE HELLO INVADING HELLO THE HELLO PLACE HELLO CURRENTLY HELLO KNOWN HELLO TO HELLO YOU HELLO EARTHLINGS HELLO AS HELLO THE HELLO PACIFIC HELLO OCEAN. HELLO PLEASE HELLO PREPARE HELLO THE HELLO SNAPPLE HELLO . The Nasa scientists have declared that there is no message contained with in the code and that it was probably just an echo of static. In other scientific news, time travel has been discovered. More on that last week. But for now, it's over to (Insert following article name here, but if you refuse to delete the text contained within these parentheses, I will be very mad Sam, but I know you will not do it anyway, because it is a funny joke. Hyuk hyuk ho ho haa haa). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, now it's time for DEAD PIG HELP COLUMN a new segment which we have not bothered to create a design for. Here is out first letter: Dear Deceased Pork People, I need help! I keep dreaming I am having sex with my mommy. I dont know why but it makes me cry. Help me now before it is too late. -the unloved one BRUCE: Well, the unloved one, this dream is just showing you that hidden within your feelings, deep in your subconscious, you are all screwed up. Please, please, never come near me. Hello I am a balding man. If I comb my hair sideways I get three equal bald patches. I need more *HAIR* in my hair. I am gaining self confidence though (not). Do you have a cure for losing hair? -Johnny "Cue-Ball-Head" Jones BRUCE: Please, Mr Jones. You have to feel good about yourself as a person, not worry about what people think of your hair! If people are so superficial that they judge someone by their hair, or lack of, they aren't worth knowing! How far would I have got with this scam, I mean religion, if I had worried about my hair? I have none! The only thing on my head are rotting scabs! Well, true, I have a small growth of mold, but that's besides the point! Just find your inner child and live at peace. Don't worry about the hair. You bald git. Dear Advice Column There's someone I like at work, but I don't know if they like me. Should I kill him/her? -Confused BRUCE: Violence is never a way to solve problems. It is fun though, ha ha haaaaaaa. Ahem, sorry, I get a bit carried away occasionally. Yes, yes, by all means kill him/her. If you have a question, or want some advice, or want to send us a letter or request or article or story or disease, send it to zarla@magna.com.au There will be no question time this week, because I don't feel like it. There will be one next week though, I promise with all my heart. Here is another letter we got, regarding last weeks digest; I think it's possible that the Dead Pig's memory for zany all American sitcoms has failed Him. Apollo 13 was directed not by Fonzie, but by little Opie Cunningham. BUT if you let word get out that I actually watched that show enough as a child to be able to pass on this tidbit of information, I will hunt you down and kill you. Kind regards and hail Bruce >From Wade Britt Newsflash. That was a joke, buddy boy. As for hunting down and kiling me, I am not scared. Bruce watches well over his High Priests. Anyway, last week, we posed a question, and it only fair that we answer it. In concerned the letter from Mr Toast Man who had written 10 reasons why spam is better than woman. One of the reasons was; You don't have to get SPAM drunk before it will (deleted*) you We asked you what you thought the deleted word was. To put your minds at rest, we will now release the sentence as it originally appeared: You don't have to get SPAM drunk before it will dance with you Aaaaaaaaw, isn't that nice. Not rude at all. Heh heh. Anyway, that's about it for this week. Remember, don't bungee jump without wearing knee pads, because anything can go wrong. Have a nice time, and all hail the Dead Pig! This document is copyright 1995 Sam bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.