| |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #14 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: A garbage bin can also be a | |oo| | rubbish bin, if used correctly. | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ Editorial It has been noted by the writers of the Dead Pig Digest that in many, many issues, we have made many, many spelling errors. This is simply because we don't really have time to burn proof reading, and also because we are too goddamned lazy. So please forgive us for the mistakes we make. This note is not made because we have been receiving email complaints about our spelling or anything, just that when I recently re-read some early Dead Pig issues, I probably would have formed the impression that they were written by illiterate degenerative slobs, had I not known oterwize. Pass the beer, someone. Anyway, enough of that, on with the Digest. The first article is a movie review by Bruce, the Almighty Dead Pig: On the thirteenth minute . . . Of the thirteenth hour . . . Of the thirteenth day . . . Of the fourteenth Dead Pig Digest . . . There was: BRUCE'S MOVIE REVIEW - APOLLO THIRTEEN The new movie sweeping the southern hemisphere is Apollo 13 (directed by Fonzie). The movie so much like Forrest Gump that the audience walked out afterwards saying "Life is like a box of chocolates". This latest piece of American propoganda shows how after a small error occurs with three astronauts in space, a crew of about ten thousand people back on earth manage to bring them back safely. The error is very technical, one which is not explained very well to the general audience, 99% of whom are not rocket scientists. Following a minor explosion in the oxygen tanks, the crew lose a lot of their oxygen and a lot of their power, meaning they have to fly back to earth cold, wet and tired, all without landing on the moon. Boo-hoo. At the end of the movie, we discover that explosion occured due to a very small faulty spring or something, and I'm sure if the cold war was still on between the U.S and Russia, the filmakers would have blamed it on "Those damn Commies". I found many faults in this movie. The main one was that there is gravity in space in real life, and things just don't float around, like in the movie. I never saw Spock's ears float off on Star Trek or Miss Piggy float in the old "Pigs in Space" sketch on the "Muppet Show". In fact, Jim Lovell (played by Forrest) never actually uttered the words "Houston we have a problem" as I discovered in my extensive research at my local bus stop. Jim, in fact said "Passengers, we have hit an air pocket', please fasten your seat belts and prepare to be transported to the broom closet". If you couldn't tell, Jim had been frightened of confined spaces his entire life, but failed to declare it on his NASA application form. Also in the space where "Sex M/F" is written, he wrote "Yessy yes yes goody yum yes affirmative please yummy yum yes yes yes yes Yeah Ya! Da! Ya! Ye yessy yes please". Now getting back to it's closeness with the smash hit of last year which won Tom Hanks his second "Best Actor Academy Award (tm)". Both star Gary Sinise as a sick guy who never got to go for a walk on the moon and in both movies. his character's name was "Cap'n Dan". When I was in a record shop this morning to see if the new CD with Lucianno Pavaroti and Green Day was out (by the way, if you didn't know it's titled "We Suck More Than A Black Hole"), I noticed the Apollo 13 soundtrack. It is a double CD featuring many, many, many, many minutes of sound audible to the human ear. It also features a lot of 60's and 70's era music, most of which I never heard in the movie. But unlike Forrest Gump, it features dialogue excerpts from the movie. Yes, the newest sensation at parties, hearing a fuzzy recording, which sounds as though it was recorded on one of those wax tubes from the early this century of Neil Armstrong saying "That's one small step for man, one (fuzz fuzz buzz schwuangie click) munkond." Yes, it's zooming up the dance charts right now!! However, the tension runs high when everybody is leaning on the edges of their seat knowing that the astronauts are going to survive and go onto write a book, on which a movie is going to based on, and Tom Hanks will probably win his third best actor oscar (tm) in a row. All, I want to know is, why wasn't a movie about Apollo 14 made, the one where everything goes to plan. That would have been more socially acceptable than watching a guy vomit in outer space. "Look man, floating Vomit. Cool!" My favourite bit in the movie would undoubtedly be the lame stand up comedian which was probably on the Ed Sullivan Show which we saw. I was hoping that immediatly after "This is an emergency new flash" came up on the TV, that it would've been that "S'alright, S'alright" guy with Topo Gigio and all his friends. All in All, Apollo 13 is "S'alright, S'alright". Note: The views expressed in this article do not necessarily represent the views of McDonald's Fried Chicken, The United States Government, the author or those on the Cowboy and Chain Vitamin Eaters shopping channel. Well, hello. Welcome to this link between two parts of the Dead Pig Digest. We hope you enjoy. But anyway, on with the next bit, which is called: ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Yes, and if YOU have a QUESTION, SEND it IN to Dead PIG Digest, at zarla@magna.com.au It doesn't have to be sensible. It doesn't have not to sensible. You can ask one, or many. How long will it take you to type out a question and send it in? NOT VERY BLOODY LONG. So get off your arses, all you silent subscribers who we never hear from, and make a bit of an effort. Sorry for insulting you, but I think you can help us out here. Anyway, now that we've had our little rant and rave, on with the questions, which NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE ARE SENDING IN, but, haha, we don't mind about THAT, do we? NO, of course not. Anyway, the first question comes from a Mr Morris(Dylan looooves that name): Q: How do I stop my co-workers from absolutely whipping my arse whenever we play Battletech together? It's getting embarrasing. A: Okay, here's the plan: Practice really hard until you're good at this game, and eventually, after many years, you might be good enough to beat them. Here is a question from Steven, who apparently thinks he is "King of all Men". Won't he be surprised when someone tells him the truth? That you can't lick you own elbow? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . . sorry. Q: Where could I get a Dead Pig T-Shirt, oh Mighty Bruce? A: From all good bookstores. Actually, you can get a Dead Pig T-Shirt from making one all by yourself, since we have none. Here are some questions from Dave, the Hungarian Beast: Q: Does Bruce have a problem with maggots? It seems that a Dead Pig would. A: Bruce does have maggots, but they're not a problem. In fact, he enjoys the feel of them writhing around inside his dripping flesh, especially when they get together and chew the fat behind his eyes. That tickles. Q: What is Bruce's opinion on gay's in the military? A: He doesn't mind gays in the military. Gays in the streets, that's another thing altogether . . . Q: Has Bruce been in any theatrical releases? If so, did he make it to Broadway? A: Nope and nope. And out final question(drumroll please), comes from Grady . . . Q: I was looking through some back issues and saw that Bruce had planned to hold some IRC conferences with his followers... is that still planned? Or have I missed them? A: You haven't missed them. As for whether there will be any in the furture . . . I don't know, what do you guys out there think? If there is enough response, we very well might. Here is a letter we got from one who goes by the handle of Powdered Toast Woman: 10 reasons why SPAM is better then a woman. Spam tastes nice. You don't have to get SPAM drunk before it will (deleted*) you You can't slice a woman 3 ways to get 3 woman burgers. You can't wear a woman as a hat. You can't fry a woman. You can't spell woman with 4 letters. Women don't come in cans. You don't get a free key with a woman. You don't have cheesy ads for women with guys wearing ties in them. You can't get a woman for $2.79 Powdered TOAST Man Them beanz is SUPERBEANZ! Well, thank you, Mr Toast Man. Anyone else who wants to send in stuff to be put in the digest, please feel yourself. I mean, feel free to. Heh heh. The above article is the opinion it's writer, so ladies, please don't send complaints as to the obviously sexist nature of the phrase 'Women don't come in cans'. Of course, we know in this age of heightened awareness of equality, woman can damn well come in cans if they want! Also, if you noticed that there was a word deleted up there, with an asterix next to it. If you want to guess what that word or words may have been, send us some mail telling us. Remember, we hope very soon to start a Dead Pig Help Column, so send us any of your problems, real or imagined, and we will provide you with reputable advice, maybe. Well, I think that's enough for this issue. I'm sorry if it's a bit shorter than usual, but I am also have to write an extremely important speech to say in front of the entire school in two days, and I am, to put it mildly, spitting up blood, because of that. So, until next time, remember to . . . And here are the web sites where you can download old Dead Pig Digests: http://www.cs.uct.ac.za/~jbekmann http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan Bye bye, for now. All hail the Dead Pig! This document is copyright 1995 Sam bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. Here is a free hidden secret message. To join the Dead Pig Digest, a comic email that comes around once a week, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. Have a nice time!