To: From: zarla@magna.com.au (Sam Bowring) Subject: Dead Pig Digest #13 Cc: Bcc: X-Attachments: _ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #7 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: If apples tasted like burnt | |oo| | poo, would people still enjoy eating them so much? | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ Editorial Well, issue 13. Wow, kinda spooky, huh? 13 is a very very VERY unlucky number. What do you suppose will happen? Will veryone who gets this digest get hit by a car, or have a safe fall on their heads, or maybe even fall over and hurt their finger? Spooooooky. Well, I want to assure you that we at Dead Pig do NOT subscribe to such silly superstitions. No, we have all the sill superstitions of our own that we could ever use. For instance, in our opinion, it is bad luck if you wake up in the morning and find that you are tied to your bed and there is a man in leather standing over you with a whip. Primitive, I know. Anyway, on with our special UNLUCKY issue of Dead Pig. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In this issue: 1) A portion of this issue 2) The rest -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is a letter we made up: Dear Media Publication Please note - a bomb will be planted on a plane leaving New York sometime in the next 3 weeks. If the speed of the plane falls below 50 miles an hour, the plane blows up. Good luck, ha ha ha. -The Una Bomber P.S. Although I look like him, please assure everyone I am not, nor am I a close relative of "Weird Al" Yankovic. -Thank you Mr The Una, may I thank you for the time and effort that went into that nice wooden box you sent our letter in. It seems to also be a clock, but I can't find where it displays the time. Anyway, the nice ticking sound will relax me off to sleep tonight. Ha ha ha! Did you see that joke in there? You see, the implication was that the clock was not really a clock! Although the person writing the response thinks that it's a clock, we the audience are fully aware that it is, in fact, a clock. Oh, I said that wrong. Anyway, on with the next article: Dead Pig Presents.... 10 MINUTE ARTICLE Dear readers As I only have 10 minutes spare, I will write what I promise to be a good article, in only 10 minutes ... starting NOW!!! Anyway, what I wish to talk to all you guys about is the growing concern that people who are subscribed to the DEAD PIG mailing list can't tell the difference between Coffee and Tea. So we went out on the street (in Chinatown) and asked the average (Chinese) person, in plain Elizabethian English, if they could tell the difference between Tea and Coffee. We had tea in cup Y, coffee in cup X and horse urine in cup Z. Only 1 person out of the three we surveyed could tell which one the coffee, but judging from the looks on their faces they could all tell which one was the horses urine. Anyway, getting to the point (with 6 minutes left), out of the non Dead Pig subscribers we surveyed only one third could identify the difference between coffee and tea, mind you only one third could speak English. But anyway, we surveyed two dead pig subscribers and both told us they knew what coffee was. So, in conclusion, DEAD PIG subscribers are smarter that everyone else _OR_ two thirds people who aren't subscribed to DEAD PIG have no taste buds. Now it's time for a brief outline of upcoming events on the DEAD PIG calender: September 1: Friday September 2: Party day (exams finish!!) September 3: Spinach day (show a spinach you care) September 4: The Day Before Banana Eve September 5: Banana eve September 6: Spinach day (such a day only comes once a year) September 7: Day After Banana Day September 8: 100, 000 People Go Crazy After Attempting To Cook Their Family A Meal With Their Arms Tied Behind Their Back Day September 9: Spinach day (enjoy such a marvelous day, which only comes once a year) September 11: September The 10th Day Hello. It's that time again for that time again, which is that time again, again it's the time for that time again for that time again, again, that time, it's ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? If YOU have a question you would like us, the Wise and Knowledgable Dead Pig High Priests, Sam and Dylan, to answer, send it to zarla@magna.com.au Our first(lst) question comes from someone who signs their email Mellow Man, for reasons known only to themselves. here it is: Q: Is there a difference between a nook and a cranny? I have searched long and hard for the answer to this question. Please help. Gracias. A: NOOK: 1. A corner, as in a room. 2. Any secluded or obscure corner. 3. Any small recess. 4. A remote spot. 5. Subscribe your friends to the Dead Pig Digest. CRANNY: A small, narrow opening; a chink; a crevice; a fissure Obviously, Mr Man, you have the intelligence of a mentally disabled termite. If you have conducted a long hard search, I would have thought you would have the common sense to look in a dictionary, you moron fool idiot git spacko deadbeat dope derro. The next three questions are from Dave the Hungarian Beast, or so he likes to be called. Ha ha ha! Q: Does Bruce bite his pickles or does he just suck on them? A: Bruce doesn't eat his pickles. He is far too depraved for that. Q: What is Bruce's favorite ice cream and after he eats it where does it go? A: Strawberry, and after he eats it it goes to the big ice cream cone in the sky. Q: I have a hunch that Bruce is my biological father. Is there any way to get a blood test? A: Yes, go to the hosptal. They'll introduce a foreign, but pointy, object into your body that doesn't belong there, and suck out some red stuff that does. But don't get your hope up. For the first thing, the Dead Pig's blood dried up long ago. For the second, NO ONE sticks a needle in the Dead Pig. Third, Bruce is infertile. Fourth, if Bruce was your father, you would be a Dead Pig, and you aren't one. Fifth, there is no fifth. But that's enough anyway, I think. Grady wants to know: Q: When Anne will give me my cookies? A: I don't know. Perhaps this is a better question for Anne than me. Think about that one fo a while, I'm sure you'll see the light. Powdered Toast Man, a person who has exactly the same name as Powdered Toast Man, asks: Q: Should I start marketing a Triple SpamBurger??? i.e. 2 breads, one whole loaf of spam. A: No. That's all the questions this week. Remember, we are trying to start up a Dead Pig Personal Advice Forum, where you write in with real or imagined personal problems, and we will give you the best advice you could possible receive from a couple of deranged hormonal maniacs. Remember, if you have something to submit to Dead Pig, please feel free to post us at zarla@magna.com.au These submissions can be questions, AAAAARGHS, stories, Holy Dead Pig Fables, articles, etc. Anyway, here is this weeks -------- |AAAARGH!| -------- Yes, that's right, when we tell of the various peoples last words. If you are easily disturbed, you are a damn sissy. a) A kiddy getting pushed off a cliff by a man in a mickey mouse suit 'Haha, mummy, look! Mickey! It's Mickey! Hello, helloooo, Mickey, I love you KICK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH SPLAT!' b) Man tied up while another man gives him paper cuts 'Let me go please, SLICE OUCH, stop that! SLICE SLICE OUCH! Look, cut that out! It hurts! SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE AAAH SLICE SLICE SLICE OH GOD, PLEASE STOP SLICE SLICE SLICE PLEASE, HAVE MERCY SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE AAAAAH! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE OOOH SLICE I'M BEGGING YOU SLICE SLICE SLICE AAH AAH AAH SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE SLICE DRIP DRIP DRIP . . .' c) Jehovah's Witness who picks the wrong door getting blown away by peeved housewife 'Hello ma'am, I'm here today to tell you about why you should become part of my church, and all the good things we can do for you, and, what are you doing, OH MY LORD BAM BAM BAM DIE DIE DIE.' Of course, everyone here knows there is only one true religion, that of the Great Dead Pig, Bruce, who is the creator of the universe and from whose intestinal bacteria we evolved. Pray to him, for he is our master! Glory to the Dead Pig, and all that stuff! Here is a cheerful poem we got in the mail: SWEETNESS INNER PEACE, TRANQUILLITY TRAPPED INSIDE, BUT NOW AM FREE PEOPLE TRIED TO DICTATE ME BUT NOW I'VE FOUND SERENITY DEAD IS THE WAY TO BE ESCAPE EARTHS HELL SUCCESSFULLY NO PAIN FOR ETERNITY THIS IS ACHIEVED QUITE EASILY KILL YOURSELF!!!!!!....... Too deep and meaningful for us. We prefer poems of this caliber: There once was a sportsman from Wagga Wagga who wouldn't eat his weigh and curds So up came a man from Nantuckett and everywhere that the sportsmen went the sheep was sure say hello This sportsmen had a brother from Wagga Wagga everyone hated him because he had no earholes Well, that's it for this week. Remember, if you eat a big iron spike, eat it spike end first, so when it comes out the other end, it doesn't hurt so much. Have a nice time, you guys. All hail the Dead Pig! This document is copyright 1995 Sam bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. Hello.