_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #12 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: The universe goes on and on, | |oo| | like a really huge place. Ahem. | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ In this issue: 1) Things 2) More things 3) Yet more things Hello. Welcome to issue 12, and all that stuff. I'm not going to bother with pleasantries today, because I don't feel like it. On with the issue. DEAD PIG on CHEESE Hello. Sam and Dylan have asked me to review cheese this week, for obvious reasons. Actually, they're not that obvious. In fact, they are rather twisted and depraved. Ahem. Anyway, whatever. I think cheese is an extremely useful food. It has many, many, many uses. It's uses, when put into a numeric state, are many. For instance, you can eat it. Also, you can give cows the impression that they are good for something. You can use it in helpful expressions, such as 'like chalk and cheese', and 'don't look a gift cheese in the mouth'. There are many different kinds of cheese, some of which are very expensive and taste revolting. Some are very soft, so you can stick crackers in them, though for what purpose, I do not know. These soft kinds of cheese also make a very good lubricant. Some cheese is a bit of a ripoff. There is one kind of cheese where it looks like you're getting a whole lot, but there are actually holes in it. So watch out for that holey tricky cheese. Cheese has been around for a very long time. Ever since it was first invented, in fact. This is because it is a simple, yet tasty and healthy food. It contains some kind of stuff that helps your bones grow. Of course, this does me no good as, being a Dead Pig, my bones are rotting away like always, and no thickened cow piss is going to change that! But that's one of the disadvantages of being the Great Dead Pig. Anyway, in conclusion, I think cheese is a very worthwile substance, and you should get your friends to subscribe to Dead Pig Digest. The Competition Update: Well, that will be our last competition for a little while, say, ten years. I guess you guys prefer sending in articles and stuff than competition entries. Why do we receive too many letters to put in the digest, yet only one or two competition entries? Huh? HUh? HUH? hUH? huH? HuH? hUh? This is the perfect time to introduce our new competition, the 'Tell Us Why No One Enters The Competitions' competition. Send all entries to zarla@magna.com.au _/_-_/_-_--_---_\__-_--_-/_-\--/\ _/ | _____________________ _/ PEACE IN THE PACIFIC \ | | / / | |-------------| \ WORLD WAR 2 OVER AT LAST \ | |-| \__ | | | \_ / |_____| \_-_-/__-----_-\_---_--/_--_\_-| Yes, if you didn't know, it's almost 50 years since the second world war ended, and in the first part our exclusive in depth one part series of in depth looks at aspects of World War II, we look at some of the legendary people, who lost their lives during that troubled time, from 1939-1945. (But not necessarily due to World War Two.) April 28th, 1945 - Benito Mussolini (later went onto inspire failed cartoon character, Mickey Mussolini) August 28th, 1943 - Bulgarian King Boris III (what a dorky name) March 28th, 1941 - English Author, Virginia Woolf (wrote Liittlee Reed Riidiing Hoood) February 28th, 1941 - Ex-king Alfonso of Spain (later went onto inspire Tv series, ALF) April 28th, 1940 - Italian singer, Luigia Tetrazzini (later went on to have type of Pasta named after her) After our in depth research, we concluded that the only people to die during World War Two all died on the 28th of the month. And now, for those of you who didn't know, Australian Prime Minister Paul Keating was born during World War II. I'd say something terrible about him now, If I wanted to, but I don't. Oh fine, I will. He is a bad prime minister. I hope you are happy now that I have done some topical political comedy. Other people born during the war include: former New Zealand Prime Minister Aretha Franklin; star of Crocodile Dundee, Barbara Streisand; boxer David Lange; Mowtown singer Muhammad Ali; golfer Paul Hogan and singer Jack Niklaus. We wish to thank the DEAD PIG research team for their excellent work on that article. And now, over to something more creative, a poem about the heroism of those who fought to defend their country in World War Two: There once was a sportsman from Wagga Wagga who wouldn't eat his weigh and curds So up came a man from Nantuckett and everywhere that the sportsmen went the sheep was sure say hello This sportsmen had a brother from Wagga Wagga everyone hated him because he had no earholes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ELVIS EATS PIZZA Yes, as it is coming up on the 18th anniversary of the "death" of Elvis Presley on August 16th 1997, we noticed many similarities between him and BRUCE,the DEAD PIG. 1) Both are pigs 2) Both are "Dead" 3) Both are named Bruce 4) Both the offspring of both Elvis Presley and BRUCE the DEAD PIG have had sex with Michael Jackson. 5) When appearing on the Ed Sullivan show, BRUCE was also only shot from the waist up. 6) The FBI also has a 633 page file on BRUCE. 7) In 1957 a 15 year old school girl in London, England also said that she turned the light out before getting changed because she didn't want the 1001 pictures of BRUCE looking at her. 8) BRUCE's number in the U.S. army was also US53310761 9) The Dead Pig also judges women by their feet 10) Both rarely took a bath or shower (actually, BRUCE has never experienced condensing humidity at all) 11) When ordering cheeseburgers, both BRUCE and Elvis asked for the beef to be replaced with six or more fried strips of bacon fat. 12) Both of them have one or more television sets in each room of the house, of course Elvis used to watch his favourite show, Kung-fu, while BRUCE only enjoys shows like Melrose Place or Super Chicken 13) Both are currently performing miracles in Leper colonies in Bolivia. 13) See no. 13 Could Elvis's twin Brother Jessi Garon Presley who supposedly "died" shortly after being born, actually have moved to Australia and become a cult hero as BRUCE, the DEAD PIG. I wouldn't bet on it, but wouldn't it be great if it was true. Now, for a poem in tribute of the King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley, who tragically lost his life all those years ago: There once was a sportsman from Wagga Wagga who wouldn't eat his weigh and curds So up came a man from Nantuckett and everywhere that the sportsmen went the sheep was sure say hello This sportsmen had a brother from Wagga Wagga everyone hated him because he had no earholes Here is a letter we got from someone who laughingly calls themselves 'Brandi'. Ha ha ha! It is titled 'I SAW THE DEAD PIG' I couldn't believe it when the fateful day came. I never thought I would be face to face with the Dead Pig, but there I was. I had been out for a walk in the field behind my grandmother's house and suddenly the mighty Bruce appeared in front of me. At first I just stared and covered my nose, appalled at the stench. In my stunned state I suddenly realized who I was looking at. I fell to my knees and wept. Then Bruce asked me for directions to the nearest convenience store. I proceeded to give them to him. I'd do anything for the Dead Pig. He gave me his personal grunt of approval, told me I was a good loyal subject and went to buy a six pack. I have been living in heavenly bliss since that day. All hail the Dead Pig!!!! Brandi We also received a letter from someone whose first name is 'Powered', and he suggested three Dead Pig mottos we might be able to use: Advanced pig!! Jigijig. If you cut it THIS way, you get 3 quater pound burgers! Now that's value. I need more AIR in my hair. We liked these, but after long deliberation, decided not to adopt them as the official Dead Pig mottos. If you have any mottos for the Dead Pig, or indeed, any Aaaaghs, religious storys, questions, articles, songs, money, friends, diseases, bananas or suchike, send them to zarla@magna.com.au Here are the web sites on which you can find Dead Pig back issues, so PLEASE stop mailing us for back issues guys! Or we'll KILL you! Heh heh, only kidding. http://www.cs.uct.ac.za/~jbekmann http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan And by the way, thanks very much to the people who keep Dead Pig on their web sites, it is much appreciated, and they are thought of highly by the Dead Pig himself. Now, to announce a potential new segment in Dead Pig, the Dead Pig Help and Personals Column. This is where you can send in letters such as: Dear Dead Pig, I am a loser and have no friends, and I really like this girl in my class, but she thinks I'm a dork, and I think she would like to cut off my knees. What should I do? - Depressed And you can also post personals to 'real' people, or whoever you like. Anyway, post to us to get all your personal problems solved. It's guaranteed to work!* *Not really Anyway, I'm sorry that there have been no question time or AAAARGHS this week, but we've had an exam week, and our creative and physical resources are somewhat strained. Awwwwwwwwwwww, I hear you say. So, I'll see you all next week, well actually, I'll only email you, but it's almost the same, except it's totally different, but the point I'm trying to make is, well no point really, I just want to sign out for this week in a pleasant way. Perhaps I should just say goodbye. Goodbye. And all bow down and grovel to the Dead Pig! This document is copyright 1995 Sam bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the copyrights of letters sent in, which belong to their original authors. This document can be freely distributed if not altered. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG. Have a nice time.