_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #11 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought For The Day: If you go skinny dipping, | |oo| | don't forget to wear some clothes so you don't get too | | -- | | cold. | \______/ | \----------/ The competition from last week is still open, to design a Dead Pig logo. Send us your entries, faithful followers! We at Dead Pig Digest are very excited, because this week it's time for Dead Pig Digest #11! We've never had a Dead Pig Digest #11 before! And to mark this special occasion, we have done nothing in particular. The Dead Pig was very upset last week, because we dug him up out of the garden, put him into the lounge room in his pyjamas so he could watch Melrose Place by himself, and it was just a compilation of old bits he'd already seen! Myself and Dylan were only just able to stop him unleashing his almighty anger on the world! Everyone must pray *extra* hard to the Dead Pig this week, so he calms down. Some more followers wouldn't go astray either. Anyway, on with the firstr article: -------FRUIT REPORT------- Yes, that's right, it is either summer or winter, depending on which hemisphere you live in. That means it is either the season for avacados or oranges. Thanks to Nuclear Bombs (blame everything on those damn bombs!!!), the seasons are screwed. Australia has just had one of the coldest winters on record, while North America has had one of the hottest heat waves in many years. Meanwhile in Europe, things are the resonsably the same. Anyway, enough of this mindless banter, my top 5 fruits for this week are: 5. Oranges (Citrus fruits, always good for colds and flus in winter, or to cool off in summer) 4. Lemons (Add to water and have lemon water) 3. Peaches (Just weeks ago I had my first peach slurpee! YUM YUM YUMMY!!!) 2. Bananas (Great in yoghurt! and it is Banana season in the southern hemisphere) And this week's number one fruit with a bullet (ka-ching) 1. Honeydew Melon (My favourite melon) This week for all you AAAARGH fans, we have very special surprise! A story length presentation of the last words of some very beautiful of god's creations: THE DUCKS (Warning: If you are easily grossed out or offended, do not continue) 'Quack quack quack' went the ducks. The creatures soared majestically into the air and flapped away on their angel white wings. They floated up and down in the wind, which was blowing in a strong warm gust from the east, and spread their wings even further to glide in the currents like leaves, or so it seemed to me. 'RATATATATATATATATATAT! BOOM! KABOOM! BAM BAM BAM BAM!' went the machine guns, bazookas and small handheld artillery. Blood soaked carcasses and organs rained down at out feet. We laughed and laughed. Any duck not in the sky took off, and those already in the sky flew away as fast as the could. 'BANG BANG BANG BANG KABOOOOOOOM!' Not fast enough, you fucking awful ducks! Hahahaha! Die, bastard billed scum!' 'Quack . . .' 'BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM . . .' Hahaha! Death to the horrible little rotheads! Blood blood blood! Never more will the evil ducks trouble our herds of animals, our children, our young virgin maidens. Pools of unrecognizable gristle, bone and red muscle lay everywhere. Not a living duck remained. The threat had past. We were safe. But for how long . . .? THE END(or is it?) Next: Revenge of the Deer Haha! The Dead Pig encourages gratuitous violence, so let's have more of it! Put now, the Dead Pig wants to talk to you about something else. That's right, it's time for: BRUCE'S LITERATURE REVIEW |\ /| | \ / | THIS WEEK'S PIECE OF LITERATURE: | \/ | The Ryde District Bus Timetable | a | (for routes 500, X00, 501, X01, 508 and 510) | book | Published by State Transit \ / \__/ Yes, this is one of the most outstanding Bus Timetables I have read in quite a while. In brings back memories of all the other bus timetables I have read in my life, such as the 431, 432 and 433 Glebe Routes, 1994. And yet, it retains individualistic qualities. Although the times commenced in September last year, it is one of the most up to date timetables you can get. This one services Pyrmont, Rozellem Drummoyne, Gladesvill, Ryde, West Ryde, North Ryde and Sydney City. If you don't know where any of these places are, don't worry, you can look at the enclosed map and understand all the jargon instantly. Yes, this outstanding time table covers Monday through to Friday, as well as Saturdays and Sundays, and as a special bonus it also includes public holidays such as Christmas at no extra charge. This bus timetable is a must have if you catch the 500, X00, 501, XO1, 508 or 501 buses on a regular or not so regular basis. Available from most bus interchanges free of charge. Okay, now it's time for that time of the week again, which means again that it is yet again that time again for that time again, yes it's that time again, which is of course, ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Our first question this week comes from one Mr Toast Man, an unusual, but somehow stupid name. Anyway, here it is: Q: You know how in the movie PREDATOR, there's a scene where the big Texan guy (Jessie Ventura) gets shot in the arm, and someone is about to call a medic, and he says "I ain't got TIME to bleed man" . . . Would this be a good name for a new brand of tampon???? A: Well, Mr Toast Man, there is two things you have to remeber about tampons. One, they come in tiny little packages on which there is no room for a name that long, and the other thing to remeber is . . . well, I've forgotten. Anyway. I hoped this has gone some way to clearing up things for you. Next please. These next two question come from the illustrious Ryan: Q: What the hell does 9th of August mean? A: Hello. Q: Who does Bruce's hair? A: No one really 'does' Bruces hair. Being a long Dead Pig, and even with alive pigs not being known for their hairiness, or as we say in these politically correct times, bald porkies, Bruce does not have more than a few wispy strands. He doesn't feel compelled to brush them or anything, because he spends most of his time rotting in my garden. Now these last two, or should I say 'three' questions, come from our good freind Jake, keeper of the pizza of hope, a Dead Pig holy relic. Q: Why is Bruce so human-like in his increasingly accurate observations of our ever growing, ever changing world, yet he remains a decomposing inert pig corpse? A: Well, the thing you have to understand is . . . well, it's because . . . you see, there are . . . oh, he just is, okay? Q: Why is Jack Shiracke spelt so badly in this letter? A: It's not spelt badly. You have spelt Jack Shiracke absolutely perfectly. Q: Why are these letters not being printed? A: Oh, so trying to get me confused with a paradox, hey? Huh? Well, er, ah, er, er, bananas, heheheheeeeeee. Crank it up, little chucker boot! Alright, here' s a letter that's been in our possession for a while, sent in by Mr King Ryan. Or perhaps that's the other way around. Anyway, it's: My Life part II: Well, after I calmed myself down from all the excitement, I realized just what my father had said. He was going to teach me of the ways of Bruce. You just can't imagine how happy this made me, well maybe you can, but thats not important right now. So, I said "Goodnight" and went straight to bed because I wanted to wake up bright and early for my first lessons. After all, my teacher once told me, early to bed, the earlier you will go to sleep, except this isnt always the case... like one time I tried to get to sleep before 3 o'clock but I was interrupted by a dumb teacher calling my name ...). Anyhow, I quickly went to my room and jumped back onto the hard ground and attempted to fall asleep. But I could not! I went to my father and said "Father, I am unable to sleep, what ever should I do?" "Son, you're a fool, its only 8 o'clock in the morning. Anyway, lets go to the Dead Pig shrine down town, there we will see the Bruce followers like me" "YAY!!!" We walked outside and down the street which sort of curved around the side of our house and straightened a bit, then keeps going crooked from then on into town. It actually reminds me of a biscuit I once ate, but thats another story. "Son, tell me. Why do you think following Bruce will benefit you?" "Well dad, I believe he will aid me in the ways of disco dancing" "Ahh yes, disco dancing. And a mighty fine disco dancer Bruce is too. I must say though, you might be a disco dancer in the near future, but not until you learn the ways of Bruce." "Yes father. I can hardly contain myself" By that time, we had reached the edge of the city center, where the housing stops and the shops begin. It's a magnificent town actually, quite like the one in the bottle back at home but I can't speak of that after last weeks accident with the one armed man. TO BE CONTINUED... Please, no. Anyway, if you want to contribute anything to Dead Pig, AAAARGHS, questions, articles, poems, works of art, large amounts of money, etc. Send them to zarla@magna.com.au. Here are the web pages that we know of that contain Dead Pig Digest, to get all you people to stop requesting back issues and clogging up my mailbox: http://erau.db.erau.edu/~byrnee/deadpig.html http://www.helsinki.fi/~jpackale/deadpig/ http://www.ludin.com.au/~nungan Well, that's about for this week. All that remains is for my to say the terribly boring legal stuff, and I can't think up any witty way to end, so I'll just waffle on for a bit, hoping you'll stop reading now, like now, no now, like RIGHT NOW! This document is copyright 1995 Sam bowring and Dylan Behan. It cannot be altered, but can be frely circulated. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.