_ _ | |______| | Dead Pig Issue #10000, give or take a few digits | | | X X | Dead Pig is good Dead Pig is the master of the world | \ / | | |oo| | Dead Pig is called Bruce Dead Pig is a pig | | -- | | | \______/ | Dead Pig spelt backwards is Gip Daed Dead Pig likes pyjamas \---| ||---/ | || Dead Pig likes you to get your friends to join | || | || Dead Pig watches Melrose Place Dead Pig is dead | | |__| Dead Pig spelt forwards is Dead Pig Hello Yes hello, faithful readers. This is a very special Dead Pig issue, because instead of having the normal Dead Pig logo at the start, it has one with it's tongue sticking out! Wooohooooo! Ain't that grand? Yes, we think so too. Anyway, just the opportunity to annouce a new competition we are holding! It's called 'Design the Dead Pig Logo Competition' and I think the title is pretty self explanatory. The persons with the best, or worst, or whateverest logos will get that logo put at the start of the next Dead Pig, and runners up will be printed in the digest. Now we want people to actually attempt this competition. Last time we held a competition was way back in ol' issue 2, when we had about ten sunscribers, and none of them entered. That made us look a bit stupid, didn;t it, ha ha haaa! It made us look like a pair of losers, HA HA HA! So enter this one, dammit! Anyway, on with the first article, which is called; /--------------\ | | | NEWS | | IN |______________ | FOCUS |______________| | | | | \--------------/ (We apologise for this shockingly bad attempt at a picture of a magnifying glass. Because that's what it's meant to be. Get it? Focus? A magnifying glass? Huh? Huh? Oh forget it.) This week's news item that we focus on: THE WAR IN SERBIA/CROATIA Yes, American network, NBC payed more than US$700 million (close to $1 billion Australian) for the rights to broadcast the Sydney olympics in the year 2000. But little do they know their money has gone to waste, because world famous future seeing boy, Nostradamus, predicted that the world will be destroyed in the year 1999. So, we should all get out and enjoy the last 4 years that the earth will exist, and as we are all going to die, we here at DEAD PIG suggest you do those things which you never quite have time to do. Here is a guide. If you have money saved up, quit your job now! If not, work until 1998, saving money all the time and then quit! Spend time with your family and doormats Eat as much as you want!!! (You will die anyway) Finally download that 8 megabyte game off the net you never dared download Watch TV! See the Beatles before they split up See Elvis in concert before he passes away Collect stamps. Carefully put water balloons in post box Visit Disneyland (If you don't have enough money, keep watching TV) Create lame mailing list about dead animal However, if you follow this advice and quit your job, then find that the earth exists in the year 2000, we at Dead Pig accept none of the responsibility. In fact, we would go so far as to laugh in your face. Politics In Question This weeks politics in question: THE HEALTH OF BORIS YELTSIN Regarding the health of Boris Yeltsin: Who the heck is Boris Yeltsin anyway? Wasn't he in Peter, Paul and Mary? Well, being in the predicament that I have to write a column about the guy without actually knowing who he is. Well, I would say that he is either healthy or unhealthy, or he could be dead. I am not sure. Anyway, regeardless of health, Boris Yeltsin is the man in politics who we look at every so often and either laugh or don't laugh. I am not sure. Those are the facts, I'm a reporter. Next, a holy fable, handed down for generations of Dead Pig worshippers. THE TALE OF GAVIN LINT Once, not very long ago, there was a man. He was only a very small man, in a very small village. There was nothing immediately obvious about him that dictated he would change the universe. There was nothing that suggested he would change history, that he would change the way things were. That he would change life as we know it. Funny that, because he didnÕt. The greatest thing of importance that he ever changed was the tire on the car of the head of the electricity board. He was very proud of that. Very proud indeed. He out it in his resume, when applying for jobs that he wouldnÕt get. His name was Gavin Lint. He worked as a petrol pump attendant and occasionally, like when his boss needed help changing a tire on the head of the electricity boardÕs car, he would assisst in the repair station. But most of the time he just filled up passing persons cars with petrol. Persons perhaps passing on to do great things, to sell multi-million dollar contracts, to save the world from poverty. Perhaps. He would never know. He would fill up cars with petrol until the end of his days, for all he knew. One day, as he was fitting the nozel into a sleek black car, he overheard a very strange and interesting conversation. So at least he wasnÕt so utterly utterly bored that day. Because he had that conversation to listen to. That very interesting conversation. That went for almost five minutes. He had a very boring life. He did almost nothing, except go to work. He died at the grand old age of 63, because his pension got cut off as a result of a computer error. Later, the computer technician found the error had occurred, and had a great big laugh about it with the secretary. One person came to his funeral. A gravedigger. Oh well. The end. Remember the fable well, Dead Pig followers, and pass it on to your own children. It is indeed uplifting and good. Next, a piece containg many words of wisedom: WISEDOM Wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom bananas wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom wisedom Well, now I believe it's time for this weeks -------- |AAAARGH!| -------- Yes that's right, it time for the last words of people in various situations. If you have any aaaarghs, or anything else for that matter, send them in to zarla@magna.com.au a) Fireman trying to put out a fire who has accidentally got hold of a kerosene hose: 'Turn it on hose Barry, WOOOOOMPH! OH MY GOD BURN BURN BURN BURN SIZZLE CRACKLE BURN . . .' b) Women trying on some shoes fitted with hidden retractable blades: 'Mmm, this is quite a good size for me, don't you think? I'll just go for a bit of a walk in them, shall I? Okay dokey SLICE SLICE LORD HAVE MERCY BLEED BLEED BLEED . . .' c) Man getting clubbed to death by a snail: 'Oh no, a snail with a club! Owch! (wait three hours) Owch! (wait three hours) Yaargh! Please stop hitting me with that club, little snail! (wait three hours . . .) Here is an aaaargh! sent in by our good friend Joke! I mean Jake: d) Man tapping unused nuclear warheads that he has found in his backyard with a hammer: 'Mmmhhmmm. Looks like some kinda commie mind-control device. Yeah, well, I'll fix your goddamn wagon! Tink Tink TinWAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOMMMMMMMMM! CrUnChBuRnInCiNeRaTe' Anyway, time for some letters. Here is one we recieved from someone called Ms Tu-tu, ha ha! Dear Dead Piggers, I find on perusing the latest of your edifying digests that your quality of writing has fallen. Did I say fallen? How about plunged, plummeted, soared and flew up through the sky with the greatest of ease? No? Well, just fallen then. Not only were there not enough suitcase salesmen mentioned to maintain a respectable average, but your efforts at mime were adequate at best. Therefore I have decided to contribute an article of the highest taste and of extreme use to all Dead Pig readers, and indeed, the world (except for sky divers, who are satan's spawn). If you do not include it in your next issue, I would be most understanding. Of course, I would also be forced to inform all Dead Pig readers that I have been sleeping with Bruce these last 2 years, and will soon be releasing secret compromising pictures of our trust among boiled eggs and sharks fins. Here is the article: HOW TO KNIT A COOL FISH COAT I'm sure our readers have always asked this question in life, but were too embarrassed to ask their mummies about fish clothes. This is understandable. Fish, after all, are peculiar creatures with sensitive temperaments. And gills. Despite this they have always swum naked among plants in water. This amazing torture can be stopped at once if one reads on. Without further ado, here is how one can construct a cool fish garment for even the most discerning reptiles (Yes, and fishes too). 1. Measure your fish with a ruler and add 2 inches. 2. Drown your fish in a ball of wool. 3. Cover your fish with the wool, or stick it in the middle of the ball, whichever your fish prefers. 4. Cut off all extra wool. Our readers will note that since the fish is now also dead, the coat serves both to keep fishy toasty, and doubles as a nice funeral coat. What could be more endearing in life? Besides roof tiles of course. Sincerely, Ms Tu-tu Here is a letter from a person, or persons, known simply as Hollyja: Cretin_2: the second installment of the cretin_series The other morning, while gesticulating wildly in an attempt to catch the eye of a sometimes familiar dwarf, I stumbled against a small flaw in the concrete slab patio of a friend's domicile. The stubbed toe smarted but was nothing compared to the emotional pang that hit me when, even after the exclamation of pain and dismay I uttered when discovering the patio's unevenness and the wild eye-catching spill that immediately followed it, the dwarf still took no notice of me, perhaps out of embarrassment. Very good hollyja! Very stupid and arty and abstract. Here's an apology: Due to the amounts of stuff recieved, it sometimes takes us a while to print your letter, so please do not commit suicide if it's not in for a couple of issues after you send it. Almost time to end, but I just thought I'd include a last brief note: A number of people have emailed me asking for back iisues of Dead Pig. Well, instead of mailing them out to everyone, which is a pain in the, you know, here is the web page of the Dead Pig's good Friend, Mr Ryan King where you can pick up olf Dead Pigs. They're not all there yet, but after a while, they will be. Anyway, here's the address: www.ludin.com.au/~nungan By the way, if you keep Dead Pig on your web page, tell us so we can include the address in the next Dead Pig. Anyway, sorry there wasn't question time this time folks, but we're about out of space. Next time gadget, next time. Have a nice week guys. Hope all your dreams come true. Including the ones where you go to school naked and a giant eats your family. All hail the Great Dead Pig! This document is copyright 1995 Sam bowring and Dylan Behan, except the letters which remain the individual copyrights of their orignal writers. The document cannot be altered, but may be distrubuted freely. To subscribe to Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject line SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.