_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #9 | X X | | \ / | | |oo| | Dead Pig Thought for the Week: Do not 'use' quotation marks | | -- | | in 'vain'. | \______/ | \----------/ A weekly digest concerning Bruce, the Great Dead Pig, creator of the universe. Get your friends to join and their souls will also be saved. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In this issue: 1) Things -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- First off, I thought we might hear about how . . . Bruce goes Shopping in the Shop Yes, the above statement is totally correct. Unlike the statement 'All teachers have extra large toes'. Bruce has gone shopping. We bring you an exclusive report of the event. It all started on the fateful day of August the 8th. The rain was drizzling down, the fire was blazing, on the rug, and Bruce decided it was time . . . We made our way to the car and drove almost to the shop. We stopped a little bit before we got there, of course, because you can't drive exactly to the shop. Unless it's a drive through. Of course. Anyway, once we were at the shop, we proceeded to buy some produce. This is a process whereby we gave the shopkeeper money, and we got to take some specific things away from his shop. We did that. So that's our story. Hick hick, pass the whiskey. Here is a 'real' letter, from one of our 'readers'. We didn't make it up, we promise. Dead Pig People, I wish to elaborate on a strange and unique experience in my life, to which the DEAD PIG can be slightly accredited. It should have been an ordinary day for me, just last Thursday. On an ordinary day, I get to my bus stop around 7:30 am, but on this particular morning, I arrived at 7:25. I just realised, as this event occured, it was not an ordinary day after all, rather an extraordinary day. Proceeding along with my story, the bus came and after getting on, I found myself standing up the back of the bus. I was crowded on all sides by people and yet more people squashing on as my 25 minute journey continued. After about 15 minutes, I shouted "BRUCE IS THE DEAD PIG!!!" at the top of my voice. Everyone around me stared for a couple of minutes, then when the bus stopped at the following stop, seventy percent of them immediately got off. So, I had the whole back seat to myself on the way to work. Thank you, Bruce, I now shout something weird on the bus to work everyday and get a seat. - Mr Pretend Well, perhaps we did make it up. It doesn't matter. At least another 'person', whether they be 'real' or not, has benefitted from the Dead Pig. Tell your friends, spread the word! It's not for us, you understand, that we want more readers, it's for their own good. Uhuh. That's the one. Their own good. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________ | || BRUCE'S || || || || | || || MOVIE || || || | || || ||REVIEW| || || |_____||_____||_____||_____||_____||_____|| ------------------------------------------- THIS WEEK: PRIEST Hello, welcome to my movie review. Now I have not seen this movie but it is one of my favourite movies of all time because someone in it says the words "DEAD PIG". So I urge you all to see it, and as those words are uttered, stand up in the cinema and scream. Not because you like DEAD PIG, but because someone just put a scorpion down your back. ----------A DEAD PIG EXCLUSIVE - an interview with Johnny Dum-Man--------------- Us: Who are you? JD: Johnny Dum-Man Us: Tell us about yourself, Johnny JD: No Us: Thanks for your time. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Johnny Dum-Man. Good day, I'm an interviewer. Ha ha! And that 'interviewer' was our very own Dylan Behan. If you have comments on that interview, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject heading HELLO BOO HOO I'M A DORK SPUDS AND IT ONE YES BYE BYE SCRUB-A-DUB-DUB. BRUCE'S COMPUTER SOFTWARE REVIEW _______________ | This week: | | | | WINDOWS | | '95 | |_____________| |o ---- | |_____________| There's only one thing I like about Windows 95. Long before it comes out you still know it will still be a clone of the Mac interface, a fact which all PC users will deny to the upmost of their ability. Anyway, August 24th is the international release date, and you'll know that people all around the world will still be up in the early hours of August 25th figuring out how to install the damn thing _OR_ trying to free up and extra 20 megabytes so as they have enough space to use it. But from Windows 95, you can access the MICROSOFT NETWORK, the first main competitor to the internet. Only Bill Gates would see something like the Internet and say "Heh heh, I can do that". The world of Macintoshes and the world of PCs began to join together thanks to the internet, but now because of the MICROSOFT NETWORK, they will once again be strewn apart so that more prejudices will arise towards lesser people in this society. Stupid pagans! Those are the 'facts', good day, I'm a 'fact teller', good day. ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? Once again it's that time again, time again for question time, again. Our first question came from the 'world' famous Powdered Toast Man. Here is the answer: A: 2 For those of you who missed the question itself, ha ha ha! Pray to Bruce, if you want to know. He might not pay any attention to you though. Here are some questions sent in by someone who likes to call himself 'Ryan'. Q: Really? A: Indeed. Q: Why? A: Well you see, the world was made a long time ago. It takes time to sort these things out. Plus you have to take all the bananas into account. And the colour is very important, also. Q: Do I know you? A: You must know yourself before you can know other people. Make sure you are blessed with self peace before moving on to higher and more satisfying things. Here is a letter we got: Dear Bruce and friends I have a question regarding the Dead pig From Annette Note to all readers: If you e-mail us with a question, don't forget to include that question. Here is another letter: Hello my name is Leah and in order to get in touch with my inner child I need to have my story heard: I was once seeing a psychiatrist who in the midst of our sessions would fall asleep. Now, for someone like me who has low self esteem, this is not helpful. I felt like my life was so boring that I put professionals to sleep. I hope you guys are still awake. We see a family counselor who looks like Alex Tribeck from Jeapordy. "I'll take Disfunctional Family Roles for $300 please" "What is Codependecy?" My favorite book which my therapist made me read was the inspirational, "I'm Okay, You're Okay." I'd like to write the sequel to this and call it "I'm Okay and You're Not" or "You're Okay But I Totally Suck". Thank you for listening, and allowing me the opportunity get in touch with my inner child; it's nice to know you care for my well-being. Indeed we do, you sad excuse for a human being! Or are you some worm which crawled in from the garden and walked over the keyboard? Get a life, you revolting dumb pile of festy vomit and crud! We hate you! We all hate you! You're nothing! An insignificant bit of gristle that has learned how to walk! Ergh! Ahem. Excuse me. Glory to the Dead Pig. Leah also sent in this joke: Q: What's the difference between me and garbage? A: Garbage gets taken out twice a week. Yes, very good, you rotten, baggy, smelly . . . but let's not get into that again shall we? You git! Rah rah rah! You're stupid! You suck, you awful . . . sorry, sorry. Ahem. Got a bit carried away there. Ha ha! Here is a joke from a certain Mr King: Q: Whats more fun than spinning a baby around on a clothes line? A: Stopping it with a shovel. Violence. Tut tut. Please do not send in violent things to Dead Pig. Unless of course they are so violent that they are very very funny. Such as a man getting his feet caught in a meat grinder and getting splattered all over the place and then his wife drinking his blood and killing herself with a pitchfork! Ha ha ha! Now THAT would be funny. Oh well. That's it for this Dead Pig Digest. Sorry it's a bit short, but things have been a bit hectic this week. Awwwwwwww. Sure you all feel very sorry for us. Anyway, until next week, hello. All hail the Great Dead Pig! This document is copyright 1995 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except those letters sent to us, whose copyright belongs to their original authors. No part of this article may be changed, but it may be distributed freely as it is. To subscribe to the Dead Pig Digest send mail to zarla@magna.com.au with the subject SUBSCRIBE DEAD PIG.