_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #8 | X X | | \ / | Dead Pig Thought for the Week: Making no sense is like little | |oo| | of indeniable. | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In this issue: 1) An amount of material 2) Also an amount of material -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Editorial Good evening, and welcome to yet another issue of the super duper, incredible, world famous, lovely, adjective, adjective, adjective Dead Pig Digest! Dead Pig has been alive and kicking for 8 (approximately) weeks, and this makes us very very glad. So, without anymore talk . . . _________ _________ | | | | | | BRUCE's MUSIC REVIEW | | | | | | | | | | | | THIS WEEK: | | ----| ----| HISTORY - MICHAEL JACKSON ----| ----| | | | | SONY MUSIC | | | | |___| |___| DOUBLE CD |___| |___| Well, first of all let me make this one statement: Hello. Now, on with the review. Let me say this, $50 is too much for a CD no matter who sings it. I don't care if it's Babu Ghandi and that "Hey Verne" guy, it aint worth it. So, in order to balance the budget, I didn't buy this CD, so I am reviewing something I have not listened to. Anyway, having had a look at the CD in my local shop, I noticed the latest piece of Michael Jackson self-glorification is having a statue of himself on the front. Well, I wonder, why can't people get back to basics, like the Beatles white album? No picture at all. Just imagine how much money they saved on printing etc... I know it didn't cost $50, that's for sure. One of the CD's contains all previously released material, which just about all people don't want to begin with, and the other CD has, from what I have heard, lyric lacking pop music. The first single "Scream" is a duet with Michael Jacksons's sister Janet. This proves one thing: Michael has gone down the plughole. I don't care if he did or didn't rape that child or if he did accidently nudge the merry-go-round up to full speed when his pet alligator was on it and he was crushed to death arrrgghgggh, he has lost popularity and he needs his more popular sister to help him. As for Michael Jacksons, controversial lyrics, it has been announced that the lyric: Jew me, sue me is going to be changed to the slightly less controversial: I hate white folks I wanna rape more kids Although, 500,000 of the albums with the more controversial lyric have been shipped already, which means if you end up buying one of these, in 10 years it could be worth a bit of money (about $1.50 I think). I am maybe prejudiced because Tito is my favourite Jackson and I hate recent pop music, but Michael Jackson should either release a Dead Pig album _or_ bury himself in a large hole for the rest of his life while the rest of us try to forget about him. That's the worse thing about this album, it bought Michael Jackson back into the spotlight. Can't Michael Jackson take his 30 million billion dollars and go live in Pakistan with his wife, _and_ Lisa Marie and leave me alone. Thank you..... 1/10 - "I hated it" Wooo hooo! All praise the Great Dead Pig's high an mighty opinion! Anything he says MUST be true, so I hope none of you people are going to go out and buy any Jackson CDs! Now, on with the next article, which is called: Aliens Might Be Coming Soon Yes, it is true. Aliens may well be on their way. They might have incredibly large and powerful and dangerous ufos, with death ray attachments. They could be bigger than europe, which nuclear vomit and a hundred arms with six fingers on each hand(and that's not including the thumb, because the thumb is NOT a finger). It is possible that they want to take control of the earth and turn us all into their mindless sexual slaves. This information is supplied by the U.N. maybe. Well, it is now time again for that time again, which is ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? The first three questions come from our close personal friend, the lusty and wondrous Ryan; Q: Why does 13 come after 12, why couldnt it be the other way around? Does this have anything to do with the way the hairs on Bruces head are aranged? A: Just let me point that you have no apostrophe between the 'n' and the 't' in 'couldn't', as well as only putting one 'r' in 'arranged', stupid. If you are serious about this question, write back with it again, but spell it properly for goodnez sake! Q: Why is there a creature sitting behind me with nasty big pointy teeth? A: That is just your deep rooted fear of the unkown and the dark which is affecting your subconscious in such a way that your mind creates a manifestation apporpriate which is indicative of your insecurity and bad self image. Hey, I can make it on Donahue yet. Q: Why am I writing to you and not to the president of the united states of america? A: There should be capitals on the United States of America. Try again. Here is a question from the Queen of England, not really, Brandi; Q: I know that to honor the Dead Pig we should bring people to the following, but I would like to know, besides the undying gratitude of the Dead Pig, what's in it for us? A: Money* *That is a lie. But get us more followers anyway. Well, we didn't receive any other questions this week, but we did get a lot of letters and stories and suchlike. Too many to put in this digest. Spo just becuase we haven't put your letter in the digest this time, doesn't mean we never, never, ever will, okay? So settle down, dammit. By the way, if YOU, yes YOU want to send US an article, aaaargh! story, poem(bleah), question or otherwise, feel free to send it to zarla@magna.com.au. We really like getting these things, and such an effort places you very high in the eyes of the Dead Pig. Okay, here is some more of that -------- |AAAARGH!| -------- segment, where we tell of the last words of various people. Here are some sent in by someone who goes by the rathe silly and rip-off name of Powdred Toast man. This is the name the guy uses, so no sueing us, Ren and Stimpy guys. Anyway, on with some of the aaaarghs! he sent. a) Man eating 200 kilos of uncooked popcorn and taking a hot bath: 'MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH pop pop popopopopop POPOPOPOPOP BANG BANG BANG....' b) A dyslexic man: 'WHAT!!!! Furring squid?? BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!' c) A historical aaaargh, Hitler: 'Gulp, SHITE! ARRRRGH hausen.' Here are some jokes sent in by Explorer: Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling? A: Hit him in the face with an axe! Q: What did the snail riding on the turtle's back say? A: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Q: What is Texas foreplay? A: "Git in the truck, bitch!" I bet you don't use this one because I used the very naughty word "foreplay" According to my dictionary,that's a description for people who hit their golf balls at other people on the golf course. (Well hahaha, we did use it, so there! Nyah! I don't know what I'm proving with this.) Q: Why is it windy in Oklahoma? A: Because Texas Sucks! Yes, I made a sexually derogatory remark about a geographic location, so I bet you don't use this one either! Well okay, those last two jokes weren't THAT funny, but we liked the comments the old Explorer put with 'em. Here are some French phrases sent in by Sam's close personal e-pal, the lovely Angelica! We are sure they'll prove useful. Things to say in French ======================= * Where is the Australian wine? Qu est-ce que je peux trouver du vin Australian? * Then mabye you have Zouth African/Portuguese/Greek or Spanish Wine? Alor avez-vouz du vin produit au Afrique du Sud/Au Portugal/au Greece en Espagne? * I can't find a Polynisian dictionare. Je n'arrice pas a trouver les dictionnaires de poche en Plynesien. * Thank God these champignons do not gloss! Ha, ha, ha. Heureusement ces champignons la ne sont pas radioactifs! Ha, Ha, Ha. * Four kilo's kiwi's please. Et encore quatre kilos de kiwis s'il vous plait. * Can I get my money back on this bottle of Beaujolais of last year? Vouz me remboursez combien pour ces bouteelles de beayjolais de l'annee passe? * Are you going to Mururoa next year? Et l'annee prochaine vous allez donc a Mururoa? * If these tests are so safe, why doesn't the president order them to do them in the Central Massif? Si ces essais nucleares sont vraiment sans risque, pourquoi votre president ne les fait pas dans le Massif Central? * Whe have already forgotten about that! And it seems that the wreckage of the Rainbow Warrior now houses thousends of exotic sea animals. Ca, on l'a aublie depuis longtempts! Et il parait que l'epave du Rainbow Warrior maintenant loge de nombreux animaux marins exotiques. * I agree completely with you, the French would have defended Srebrenica much better. Je suis tout a fait d'accord avec vous. Certainement les Francais auraient mieux defendu Srebrenica. Yes, we are positve you'll have many opportunities to say these phrases in a conversation, should you go to France. She also sent in a couple of Dead Pig Thoughts. Here they are: Only people with no fantasy escape into reality Lets get lost I know the way Nice! They cleared my soul and cleansed my spirit. I actually found them quite inspirational. Unfortunately, they were neither pointless nor stupid, so they will never be real Dead Pig Thoughts for the Week. To finish off, here is a short story sent in by the honorable Ryan: My life... Part I: It all started way back in 1252 when i was just a lad *sniff*, gosh those were the good old days. The black plague was Bruce's doing you know. We should all be thankful that he chose us to carry this beautiful gift. I had the black plague, and I never once complained. Maybe I did lose a few limbs, but I could still talk, that's all that matters because I could still say my thanks to Bruce ... but anyway, one day back in 1252, I woke up. I got out of my bed which was constructed of earth and a rock for a pillow (which I was more than happy about see, Bruce had yet again presented me with a gift). It was a nice sunny day, the air smelt of freshly decaying bodies and the air was filled with the screams of people suffering. It was another normal beautiful day, but not so normal through the eyes of a deranged butcher mind you, but thats another story. Anyhow, I walked over to the window and opened the old bloodstained sheet which I cleverly named a blind. I named it this because it was used to cover my brothers eye which had just removed itself from his eyeball socket, rendering him blind in his left eye. Hah hah, you see i was extremely clever in those days, something which I should thank Bruce for. Anyway, as I looked out over the great city in which I lived, I remembered something my father once told me: "Son, go brush your teeth!" Toothbrushes and toothpaste, something we should all thank Bruce for. My father then went on to tell me he was going to teach me of the great Dead Pig. This made me happy, I got excited and ... (note from Sam - sorry, it gets rude here, and so we couldn't show you the last few words. Sorry.) To be continued ... Anyway, that's the end for another week. So until next time, wait. Glory to the Dead Pig! This document is copyright Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan, except for the letters which remain authors own material. This document can be freely distributed as long as not altered in any way. If you want to join the Dead Pig Digest, send mail to zarla@magna.com.au