_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #6 mark 2 mark 187 | X X | | \ / | | |oo| | Dead Pig Thought For The Week: You can pick your friends, you | | -- | | can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. | \______/ | \----------/ Dead Pig Editorial Well, now that we have a majority of subscribers outside Australia, I guess we will have to stop making jokes about Peter Russel Clark, Tim Shaw and the guy from the goggo modile ad. G-O-G-G, sorry, I couldn't help myself. The Dead Pig is indeed a Great Dead Pig. Indeed it is. Damn right, indeed. Indeed it is! Indeed! Anyway, enough of this indeed stuff. Indeed! The things which make Dead Pig different from other dead animals such as the Dead Iguana, the Dead Receding Hair Line Eagle and the Dead Worm is that the Dead Pig "created" the "universe". If you are wondering about the achievements of the other dead animals, well I guess I'll have to tell you, just to keep your damn mouths shut. The Dead Iguana succesfully opened the first world wide chain of fast food restaraunts for dogs, and later went onto become a drunken gambler and organised crime organiser named "Big Joe". The Dead Receding Hair Line Eagle started life as a guy who licked the field at the end of every football game, but after seriosly injuring his face in an accident with a pair of chainsaws left on the field, he decided to go onto writing episodes of THE ODD COUPLE in his final hope that one day he would meet his life long idol, Tony Randal. His dream came true and he was promoted to selling tickets to the football (He never actually _dreamed_ about meeting Tony Randal). The Dead Worm became the first animal to become a president of the united states. No, sorry Richard Nixon was a donkey, I forgot. (Note from Sam: Ha ha! Doesn't that last joke of Dylan's suck? He'll kill me for this.) Anyway, don't floss to forget, and everytime you decide to try to break into your own house because you forgot your keys, the alarm goes off and you get arrested by the police, think of the DEAD PIG. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAD PIG: a six issue retrospective: Well, what a fantastic number six is. Six has occured many times in history as a sign of great achievement. The first Walt Disney full length animated feature: Snow white and the six dwarves. The number of bottles of coke sold before the seventh: six. Number of people that went and saw the movie Police Academy 7: 6. The last star trek movie to feature spock: Star Trek 6. Number of days in a week: 6. As you can see, six is _the_ most significant number in the world, so what better way for DEAD PIG to celebrate it's sixth issue than with a best of the other 5 issues. Her are our favourite quotes from them. ISSUE 1: "I plead ffooz paadr fisakwona theopoyio zeezeish" - OJ Simpson (from our exclusive interview with him.) ISSUE 2: "I don't know what the problem is, Divine Brown is my sister" - Hugh Grant (from our exclusive interview with him.) ISSUE 3: "I hate Kids! I wish they'd die, the greedy scum of the earth" - Santa Claus (from our exclusive interview with him.) ISSUE 4: "If dead pig is such a great religion, why haven't I heard of it?" - a reader "Because you are a blind, deaf person with no sense of touch, smell or taste." - editor ISSUE 5: "G-O-G-G..." oh we promised not do those jokes anymore, didn't we? Here's an extract from our exclusive interview with American speaker of the House of Representatives (something to do with politics), Newt Gingriech. US: Hello. Newt: Hello. US: You fat. ISSUE 6: "Nuclear Weapons? What's that? Dum-dum-dum-de-de-dum-da" - Jacque Sherak, French President (from our exclusive interview with him.) Well, now we have offended everyone, I suggest we get on with the rest of the issue. ------Letters to ourselves------ Dear Youze I was just wondering, isn't it easy to run out of ideas? -from John -damn right, John. We have to make it all up. Because not enough of our darn subscribers send us questions or articles. Dear Hello I must admit when I first subscribed to DEAD PIG I thought it was a duck hunting mailing list, but now that I know it is actually about roof tiles I am beginning to feel less stress at work. Thank you DEAD PIG, and thank you Mister Googleflop. -from Hello -Well, I must admit Hello, it was quite a thrill to receive your e-mail. By the time you read this you will no longer be subscribed to this mailing list. Good day. Dear DEAD PIG What is the Dead Pig's favourite food and how can I eat it? -nameless individual -Well, thanks to your letter, we have a new column. \ BRUCE's recipe for today / | | | /| \ / \ | / || \ THIS WEEK: / | || \ Chicken steaks / | || \ with veal / | -- \_________________________/ | _| Ingredients: 1 chicken (whole) 1 chicken hole 1 chicken 3 varieties of herbs and spices 1 veal 54 eggs 2 palm trees Methods and steps: 1) Put a chicken in a pot 2) Leave a chicken hole in the ground 3) Feed a chicken (whole) to you pet dog 4) Sprinkle lightly 2 (two) palm trees on chicken in pot 5) Eat varieties of herbs and spices 6) With the 54 eggs: 1) eat 4 eggs 2) balance 16 on your nose 3) juggle 14 in mid air with both hands tied behind your back 4) put 11 under lounge cover so next person to sit down gets a pleasant surprise. 5) give 6 to presidents of middle east countries as a gesture of peace for the upcoming peace talks. 6) Use remaining egg as replacement for door handle in bathroom 7) (this step is for the recipe, not for eggs) Cook chicken 8) Add water 9) Boil lightly 10) Simmer 11) Heat 12) Warm 13) Serve with 1 veal on a plate of rice. How they make plates out of rice, I don't know, but just follow the recipe. 14) Eat 15) Eat Serves 0-1 dwarves. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is a letter we received from Pus Sucker(what a lovely nick), in response to last weeks Dead Pig Thought for the Day. 'Don't worry! Tree's produce . . . (He waffles on for a bit.) . . . still leaves plenty of oxygen for all of earth's . . . (Again, he talks for a little while.) . . . as ninety percent of . . . (Blah blah blah.) Thank you for your time. Pus Sucker, who likes spam. Well thank you for clearing that one up for us, Pus Sucker! Well, we didn't get many other letters last week. As a last ditch attempt to get some interaction from you people (want do you want, BLOOD?), here is a competetion: Anyone who sends in a question, a couple of AAAARGH's, or an article, will be not only have thier work put into the next Dead Pig, but also know that we are very grateful, and happy, and the Dead Pig blesses their souls. Isn't that a great prize? So anyway, until next week, remember show respect for the elderly, treat everyone with equality regardless of sex, race, skin colour, sex, sexual orientation, sex, bad personal habits, IQ, sex, and the ability they have to stick stamps on their head. Cheers from the Dead Pig!