_ _ | |______| | | | Dead Pig Digest #5 | X X | | \ / | | |oo| | Dead Pig Thought For The Week: If a tree falls in the forest | | -- | | and no one is around . . . does that mean that our planet is | \______/ | another step towards death, now that we have less trees to \----------/ produce oxygen, which we need to survive? Well, welcome to issue 5, which coincidentally is the same number you get if you divide 40 by eight. Yep. Issue five. Uhuh. So, that's good, right? Yeah, I think so. I do. I really do. I feel good that we've managed to come this far. Through unknown terrors and ghastly monstrosities, we have still managed to keep on striving to bring to you, our faithful fellow worshipper of the great Dead Pig, this digest. So, I will keep you waiting no longer. Here is the Fantastic ISSUE FIVE OF THE DEAD PIG DIGEST In this issue: 1) The first bit 2) The middle bit 3) The last bit Editorial Recently, we have been receving complaints from our subscribers that we have been putting subliminal messages in our digest, as a means of broadening our own designs. Well, let me assure you that GET YOUR FRIENDS TO JOIN THE DEAD PIG MAILING LIST such contemptable behaviour is utterly beneath us. We would never IF YOU DON'T, WE'LL KILL YOU under any circumstance ALL HAIL THE DEAD PIG do anything like that. It would violate BRING US MORE FOLLOWERS our principles to do that. Dead Pig talks about Slugs Well, you see, in my experience, most slugs are very slimy, coupled with the fact that they are long and slimy. You'll also find that slugs are long and slimy, not to mention slimy. Also, they are usually long and slimy, and found in environments particularly suited to long and slimy creatures. But you can't take this into account without considering the fact that slugs are long. And slimy. Thank you. Here is an article sent in to Dead Pig Digest by a faithful follower called Exporer: PARENT ABUSE - Chapter 27 Billy came home late from kindergarten again. He'd been drinking. There is nothing more terrifying than a drunk five year old. "Daddy!" He yelled. "Daddy, I heard you told the principle where you got the bruises!" "No, I didn't!" I cried as I back out onto the balcony. "They are making it up. I didn't talk to anyone!" Billy pulled his belt from his pants. "Daddy, I'm tired of warning you!" I jumped at the sight of the wicked piece of leather. I jumped too hard, actually. My waste hit the railing and I tumbled over the cold metal and fell two floors.... "Parents." I heard Billy telling the cops. "I tell daddy over and over, 'daddy, don't play on the balcony.' But does he listen to me? No, he thinks he's going to live forever!" Very good, top marks. HEY YOU! YES I'M TALKING TO YOU! You too can help us out at Dead Pig Digest. Send in all your funny stories, poems, articles and disease orientated literature rags, and you can have the honour of seeing them published in Dead Pig. (And it also means we have less to write.) Now for some -------- |AAAARGH!| -------- Yes, that's right, it's time for the last words of unfortunate individuals: These two AAAARGH!s were sent in by the honourable Christian Kondrup: And here they are: Right now: 1) A sheep grazing on a very hot hilltop just before a sidewinder missile hits. 'Baaaahhh... WROUM BOOOOOMMM' 2) A UN peacekeeper in Bosnia getting sniped by a .50 cal machinegun. 'Yes... These papers says that I m going home today MALAWONG MALAWONG BOING SPAF UGH ARGH...' We ourselves didn't think up any more AAAARGH!'s this time, but we absolutely promise, cross our hearts, that there might be some in the next issue. Now it's time for ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? These three questions are also from the honourable C.K Q: Does Bruce have a girlfriend? And what does she look like? What's her name? A: No he doesn't, so she doesn't look like anything, so she doesn't have a name because she doesn't exist. Q: How big is a doorframe on Mars? A: A little bit larger than a door on Mars. Q: Am I insane? A: Yes. Here are some questions, from a totally real, non pretend person, who we shall call Mr Normal: Q: Should I get my friends to join Dead Pig? A: Yes! Q: Why? A: We want more subscribers! Q: Why? A: Because. Q: But why? A: The Dead Pig likes to have more followers. The more followers, the more strength. Because we're greedy, okay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is a short story entitled "The Day My Voice Broke" One day I was walking along the street when a huge man jumped out of an alley and hit me in the mouth with a hammer. THE END -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Here is a public health annoucement, to do with how to resuscitate someone: Step (1) Check to see if the victime is breathing Step (2) Do NOT insert a banana in their mouth Step (3) If the victim is not breathing, panic Step (4) Try to remember all the stuff you learnt in Health Studies at school Step (5) Do NOT pelt victim with bananas Step (6) Roll victim on their side Step (7) Make sure their airway is clear Step (8) Do NOT block their airway with a banana Step (9) Call an ambulance Step (10) In the meanwhile, do NOT attempt to forcefeed the victim bananas Step (11) Make sure the victim is taken to hospital Step (12) Eat a banana. You've earned it. Well folks, that about raps it up from us, Sam and Dylan, this week. Please drive carefully, especially on the roads. Until next time, may you live long and worship the Dead Pig! This document is Copyright 1995 Sam Bowring and Dylan Behan. It is not to be altered, but can be distributed in original form, if you like.