_ _ | |______| | | | ________| X --- |________|\ | \ / | |/ | |oo| | | | -- | | | \______/ | \----------/ -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DEAD PIG DEAD PIG DEAD PIG DEAD PIG DEAD PIG DEAD PIG DEAD PIG DEAD PIG DEAD PIG -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ISSUE #4.09272561 Dead Pig Thought For The Day: If we had no mouths, it would be damn hard to eat! In this issue: 1) First half of this issue 2) Last half of this issue Another Dead Pig Thought For A Different Day: Don't look a gift Dead Pig in the mouth, because there's rotting putrid stinking flesh in there. SIZZLE SIZZLE SIZZLE We have HOT HOT HOT exclusive pictures of the Dead Pig, Bruce, naked! All those true to the pig will immediately send in for these photos by sending us $3 for the photos and $30000 postage and packing. Plus a stamp. How Dead Pig created Earth Dead Pig has been around since the dawn of time, of course, and no one really knows how he came into being. He roamed for a while through an empty universe, stopping only occasionally to bite his inner thigh, and was, after a time, extremely bored. He needed something to do, something to keep him entertained. That was when he created the earth, by excreting a huge no.2 and rolling it into a sphere. From the germs in his feices evolved a great and diverse range of living things, given the fact that his stomach had been upset lately and there was an abnormal amount of bacterial infection in his bowel and larger intestine. The life on earth flourished and grew, to what we are today. And we should all remember from whence we came and evolved, and that once, long ago, we were little germs rolling around in a giant mountain of poo. Touching, isn't it? How to spot Bruce. Look for someone who is: a) Dead b) A pig c) A Dead Pig called Bruce In other news today, nothing happened, so back to the Dead Pig. -------- |AAAARGH!| -------- That's right, it's time for AAAARGH!, the segment in which we tell of various peoples last words. The last words of a: a)Little boy being massacred by a group of rampaging clowns 'Look mummy, clowns, haha, erk!' b)Man being stabbed by a Mr Whippy vendor 'One choc nut please, ack!' c)Child in a wheelchair being pushed off a building by their father 'Are we going for a walk now daddy, daddy, aren't we a bit too close to the AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA(splat)' d)Man tripping over and shoving a paddle pop through his eye into his brain 'Mm, this tastes good, woops, GLACK! MY GOD, GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT ... How violent and tasteless. You can submit your own last words by writing to zarla@magna.com.au. Anyway, on with the next bit, appropriately called: THE NEXT BIT Yes, it's time for the next bit. And here it is. This is the next bit. Right now is the next bit. Right now is the next bit? Hold on, that's impossible. Now I"m all confused. Why don't we just push on to the next bit. THE NEXT BIT Aaaargh. Now for ????????????????? ? QUESTION TIME ? ????????????????? From someone who likes to be known as Spundae: Q: Why am I sending you a question? A: For the same reason I'm answering it. A person who goes by the unlikely name of MARTIN asks: Q: On Dune, there is a relationship between the worms and the spice. Is there also a relationship between the Dead Pig and the Prawn Sandwich? A: The Dead Pig occasionally enjoys having a prawn sandwich, although he doesn't eat them afterwards. Coco wants to ask: Q: What is the clear glistening jelly-like substance that floats on top of a fresh, tender, gourmet can of Spam? A: That is put there to make spam just a little bit more disgusting. Ryan a.k.a SATAN sent in two questions, count them people, TWO Q1: What is a dead pigs favorite TV program? A1: Melrose place, of course. Any true Dead Pig Follower knows that. Q2: How much does a dead pig weigh divided evenly by 3 on a skateboard with a pair of old mens lacy underwear over its head? A2: That is not something we have ever attempted to find out, for fear that we might upset Bruce. He hates skateboards. --------------------- DEAD PIG A four issue retrospective Hello, I am one of the authors of Dead Pig. Now, we have reached the ultimate level of achievement, four issues. Yes only such great publications as TIME MAGAZINE, The WALL STREET JOURNAL and the BATMAN comic book have managed to achieve what we have done. Now, let's look back on the legend: ISSUE ONE This issue featured the story "PIG" by Michael Chriton. In this, a dominating species of dead pigs kill humans in an unneccesarily violent fashion. Of course, as is always the way with any big movie that features large amounts of violence, this one was classified PG for "DRUG references". The drug reference comes in the following section of the story. "Anyone here?" I shouted into the wrecked office which just moments before had been crushed by a herd of Dead pigs. "Who goes there?" A man holding a rifle with a laser sight jumped up from behind one of the over turned desks. "I'm Mister Marijuana Caffiene" I said, lying to cover the fact that I was indeed, Bill Collins. "And isn't that my absolute favourite movie of all time?" ISSUE TWO Our exclusive interview with Hugh Grant in which he tells us he slept with a dead pig. Here is an extract from the interview: ME: Hello HIM: I slept with a dead pig ISSUE THREE The highlight of this issue was our page 2 story on the new McDeadPigFat from McDonalds. Yes, it's just the leftover thickshake at the bottom of the machine, put in between two slices of "bread". Hmmm, sounds great. The second highlight was our exclusive interview, or maybe I should call it a confrontation, with Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the 2nd. ME: Hello HER: Bugger orf, you little man! ME: Shut up, you HER: Dat's it, I had it wif you, guards, behead this orful dummo man. ISSUE FOUR The highlight of this issue is the highlights of all the other issues, in particular, this highlight, which is of course a highlight of this issue. Hello. _____________________________________________________________________ --------------------------------------------------------------------- | | | | | | | BRUCE'S | THIS WEEK: | | | MOVIE | | | | | REVIEW HOCHI & SACHI | | | | | | | | | | | |_______________|_______________|_______________|_______________|____ _____________________________________________________________________ As I walked in on the world premier of Hochi and Sachi I knew I was in for a surprise. Yes, someone else was in the cinema with me. Anyway, on with the review. Hochi and Sachi is full of sex, violence and good times. Directed by world famous, Buster Morris, still riding on wave of fame that came after CANDY BAR EATERS, Buster directed his finest movie yet. He is a genius. Somehow, I doubt that this movie will ever make it out of Sydney, Australia, the city where it was made and screens. The budget, of a mere $3.50 and the locations (a park, a room) are the main high lights of this fine movie. Also are the cast. Two nameless chairs play the roles of Hochi and Sachi, while the comedic subplot is intertwined by a table that stands between them. You may notice this table from another Morris film, THE TABLE GOES SHOPPING. The Table, with no doubt, delivers the finest performance. I loved this movie, written by 4 year old, Jimmy Hsyw, based on his painting "A table and two chairs" that he did in kindergarden last year. The movie is fantastic, but the rest is not. I give it 23.24% out of 100%. -John Ballboy Jr. Sr. III and Son with cousin and father along with siblings, all aged 32 and named Derek Anyway, that's about it for this issue. Remember to mail quesions, articles and other stuff to zarla@magna.com.au, to help raise or lower the overall quality of the digest. Have a nice day! Bruce sends his regards.