Nine Stories by Dylan Behan.
|
Australian Environment Minister Peter Garrett has been demoted over the bungled home insulation scheme, which wound up killing four tradesmen. The opposition has since called for his full resignation, including gaf-prone Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce: "Well he thought he was a new sensation, but he wound up committing an original sin - the death of four hundred billion tradesmen. That's no suicide blonde!". Like their bagels, Israel too is in hot water this month, after they allegedly assassinated a senior Palestinian Hamas leader in a luxury hotel in Dubai, using operatives travelling on a variety of forged passports. "My suspicions were first raised," said the concierge from the Rotana Hotel, "when all these Irishmen and Aussies kept asking when psytrance DJs like Infected Mushroom and Yahal Sherman were coming to town - and not just where the nearest cheap 'pisser' was. Oh, and their tennis rackets had holsters too." Australian businessman Kerry Stokes has announced he's merging his media empire, consisting of Channel Seven, with his mining equipment business, Caterpillar. So get ready for some great new shows on Seven this year, including: "Australia's Worst Backhoe Drivers", "So you think you can hydraulically excavate?" and "Hey Hey It's Paving!" Besieged New York Governor David Paterson has announced he's dropping his re-election campaign after fellow Democrats pleaded for him to withdraw. "I sure didn't see that coming" he declared. Las Vegas-born New South Wales Premier Kristina Keneally has recently starting embracing Twitter to plug her policies, including this Tweet last week: "like, OMG totes launched a new transport policy today. It's like totally radical I mean The Libs plan like totally sux now - worst-ever." The 2010 Winter Olympics have just finished in Vancouver, Canada, which this time included the graceful and elegant mascot: Rocky, the pile of rocks. Among the highlights: a pair of ice dancers dancing to the headache-inducing Kronos Quartet soundtrack to the movie Requiem for a Dream. The music turned out to be the perfect accompaniment actually, as the routine concluded with one of the skaters accidentally severing off the arm of her partner. The Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd farewelled the Australian Winter Olympic Team (made up mostly of ex-pat Canadians and Russians) by wishing them "best of luck that the other competitors fall down again." Sarah Palin has denied the cheat notes scrawled on her hand during a recent speech were written by her ghost writer. The notes surprised many of her Democrat opponents because in fact proves the former governor can possibly in fact read. Barack Obama is set to visit Australia in March. Economists predict an economic boom surrounding the presidential visit, with imports of teleprompters increasing 200 percent in recent weeks. Also, Obama's team has demanded that for his fitness regiment, regulation height basketball hoops be installed on some disused land in Canberra: on the floor of Australian Senate. Fawning with excitement, a government spokesman declared: "Well there should be more passes there now." and finally... AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVEW WITH OPPOSITION LEADER TONY ABBOTT
BR: Tony, we have a really big poster we need to try and stick up in our office, but it just won't stick up. Any advice on what we can use? |