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RUDD-NET TO REPLACE SAFETY NET The Australian government has announced it's going to build a $43 billion high speed national broadband network, the single largest Australian infrastructure investment of all time. Kevin Rudd talked up the project: "Without Labor to spend billions on expensive infrastructure projects, what would there be for the "economically responsible" Libs to sell off for a surplus?" TAMIL TIGERS TO REBRAND THEMSELVES "TAMIL LIGERS" TO GET MORE INDIE CRED With the final bloody conclusion of the Tamil Civil War in Sri Lanka taking place, worldwide protests erupted to highlight their cause, including one in Toronto that lead to near-riots and thousands of protestors closing an overhead expressway, causing traffic to be deadlocked for hours. Local Canadians stuck in traffic were actually quite supportive of their cause: "I don't know what hockey team they are, but good for them for winning" said one local.
SYDNEY AIRPORT INTRODUCES POLE TAX
In keeping with their strict user pays system, Sydney Airport is now introducing a "pole tax" on murder weapons following the deadly bashing death of a bikie gang member in the arrivals hall of the airport. Supposedly the murderers fled in Taxis, leaving Sydneysiders wondering "How the hell did they get a Taxi at Sydney airport without waiting for half an hour? And since when did vigilante bikie gang members get Cab Charge cards?"
VICTORIAN BUSHFIRES VICTORIOUS
Former Melbourne TV newsreader Brian "Told Me So" Naylor tragically passed away in the Victorian Bushfires in February. After 20 years of Brian telling Melbourne so, it seems Melbourne neglected to tell Brian to run for his fucking life. Channel 9 has denied changing their news slogan to "Brian Told Me Argh My Skin!" Ok, I'm going to hell for that. WHALES GROW BEARDS AND DRINK PBR A whale has been sighted near Brooklyn in New York harbour. "Meh" said one Williamsburg hipster, "I was into whale back in 2004. Fucking newbies."
BORING ECONOMIC OBSERVATION
According to the media we are currently in the worst economic crisis since the Collapse Of the Roman Empire in AD476. And now the latest development used by the media to make things sound a lot worse than they are: announcing quarterly negative growth rates in "annualised" terms - i.e. multiplying them by four.
For example: saying the Japanese econoy shrank at a record annualised rate of 15.2 percent in the first quarter of the year sounds a lot more foreboding and apocalyptic than just saying it shrunk at just 3.8 percent (which is what it was). Continuing with this trend, the US news media is about to start randomly multiplying other statistics to make them sound scarier. So look forward to hearing about unemployment being at a massive 158 PERCENT (at the twenty-fold annualised rate), bread hitting the $3000 a loaf price range (in the new "1500 multiplier" price index) and petrol now costing $1400 trillion a gallon (in Zimbabwe dollars).
Also in financial news, the price of a barrel of oil slid 10 percent in one day, and was so low people at one point countries were just buying empty barrels.
AUSSIES BAD TRAVELLERS? NEVER
Amateur Australian author Harry Nicolaides was sentenced to three years in a Bangkok prison for slandering the Thai monarchy, but was eventually released with a royal pardon after much lobbying from Australian government officials in Thailand.
Here at Banana Report we'd like to extend our warmest compliments to the great Thai King, His Majesty Bhumibol Adulyadej, may he and the Royal House of Chakri reign long in blessed peace and prosperity.
FATTY BOOM-BAHS WANT MO MULLAHS
A British family that claims they are "too fat to work" is saying their £22,000 pounds they recieve in benefits is insufficient for them to put food on the table, according to Britain's The Telegraph. "I barely have enough to cover my pork crackling, whipped cream and chocolate sandwiches".
SHOCK HORROR!!!
Breakouts of ethnic violence at suburban Sydney screenings of the Australian gang film The Combinationhas lead producers to cancel production on the upcoming film version of "It's A Knockout", fearing security guards will be pushed into giant pools of water and beaten with giant padded foam sticks.
NOT SO ENTERTAINING
Australian electronics retailed JB Hi Fi has been caught selling used mobile phones as new in one of its NSW stores. That's the last time I do all my underwear, condom and enema kit shopping there.
Rihanna's multi-million dollar endorsement deal is in jeopardy after her domestic violence incident with boyfriend Chris Brown: she can no longer say "Wetslicks fruit spritzers" due to her split lip.
Also in entertainment news, former INXS frontman, Canadian J.D. Fortune, has been fired from the band for unspecified reasons and is rumoued to be living in his car again. In a related story, Jon Stevens is residing three cars down if INXS calls.
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