NOBODY TELL SPRINGSTEEN
Barack Obama made history last month, becoming only the second ever man named "Barack" to be elected president (after Lyndon Barack Johnston). In setting up his transition team, the Democrat is "reaching across" the aisle to choose a "team of rivals". Amongst the controversial picks: Robert Mugabe as Secretary Treasury, the ghost of Adolf Hitler as Ambassador to Israel, that angry German kid off YouTube as Technology Advisor and George W. Bush as President of the United States.
It's quite a contrast: while Democrats "reach across" the aisle, some noted Republican senators do the "reach around" .
Larry Craig joke. Look it up.
In the ongoing Illinois graft and corruption scandal, President elect Barack Obama has "demanded the head" of embattled corrupt Governor Rod Blagojevich. "Except for the hair, he can keep that. It's the other dirty bits we want."
BOMBAY BOMBERS CAME FROM BAY
One of the biggest stories of the past month was the terrorist attacks in Mumbai, in which young gunmen went on a rampage in tourist areas indiscriminately killing 172 people including 22 foreigners. Of course, being anywhere in the world where tourists are, there were Aussies involved, and the Australian news media rushed to find photos of the victims as quickly as they could. And where did they find them? Trashy party photos on Facebook of course:
(screen grabs taken from news.com.au smh.com.au, and Heraldsun.com.au).
Those one's aren't too bad, but looking at my Facebook photos I can only predict what the news websites would look like if I was in a terrorist situation:
Yes, those are actual photos of me from Facebook.
RECESSION NOW NOT JUST
HAPPENING TO MY HAIR
The other big news of the past few months: a "once in a century" econimic crisis has hit, and with it increasing unemployment, a collapse in credit, an almost worldwide recession and the arrival of mediocre, escapist epics at the cinema. Here's some tips on how to survive the downturn:
- Hungry? Eat some Australian dollars. They won't buy you food overseas, but they're high in metals and plastics, not unlike Chinese milk or American cheese.
- Petrol is cheaper than milk again, so have petrol on your breakfast cereal.
- Can't afford breakfast cereal? Tear up your now worthless super-annuation statements into "Super-Flakes".
- Can't afford to go to the movies? Don't worry, there's nothing worth seeing right now anyways.
- Got holes in your clothes or un-bandaged grazes, cuts or scabs? You're not "poor", you're "emo".
- Got food stains on your clothes? Then dinner is served.
CANADA HAS CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS:
CAN'T HATE AMERICA NOW BARACK GOT ELECTED
Elsewhere, Canada has suspended its parliament ahead of a possible vote of no confidence that could topple Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper. In response Afghanistan offered to send in peace-keepers and set up an interim government, headed by a drug-cartel war-lord's brother. "At least he wouldn't cut arts funding" noted one jaded local cynic trying to be topical.
ESCAPIST DRIVEL
The Homeless Soccer World Cup took place in Melbourne last month. Controversially, all the rich wankers were given bus tickets and forced to get out of town.
In movie news, I saw Baz Lurhman's epic Australia in Montreal last month, but think it was more suited to its working title: Attack On The Bridge Over The Rabbit Proof Fence From Snowy River: In CineScope.
A failed contestant of American Idol committed suicide outside judge Paul Abdul's house in Los Angeles last month. The victim, later identified as one MC Skat Kat, also recently failed his auditions for Gorillaz and a Kellogg's Frosted Flakes commercial.
In a related story, some guy almost asked Dicko for an autograph last week, but then the bus came.
Also on Idol, Banana Report friend Wes Carr won Australian Idol this month, but missed out on a number one single by "eleven copies". Controversially, the number one single that week only sold twelve copies.
Pull quotes are back "in" supposedly.
Also in entertainment news, Macauly Culkin's sister died tragically this week in mysterious circumstances: a paint tin fell over a railing hitting her in the head, then a blow torch set her head on fire and she slipped down an icy stair case. Police are baffled as to who is responsible for this and Macauly was unavailable for comment.