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I'd like to start this Banana Report by recognising the traditional of this land: Meriton apartments. Secondly, I'd like to start this issue by wishing Australia's new leader, Senator Nick Xenophon a long and prosperous three years holding the balance of power. Yes, a law to invade Indonesia will now likely get passed in the senate, provided it includes an amendment to get rid of all the pokies, and Xenophon gets to parade down Jakarta's main shopping mall wearing an oversized sandwich board saying "Yes. It's Me! I'm your new overlord, Nick Xenophon." The new Rudd Government has already started making serious promises it intends to keep, and while carbon emissions look set to be lowered by at least 25% by 2020, Special Minister of State John Faulkner has promised to counter-act these reductions by promising all new eyeglasses will increase in size by 50% in the same amount of time. The real surprise of the federal election came not with Rudd winning, but rather with Peter Costello's backdown from accepting the leadership of the Liberals, saying he wants to spend his time coaching new talent from the backbench. He adds: "And when I say backbench, I mean my giant mansion in the hills. And by coach, i mean drink gin by the pool. Tally ho!" Another hallmark of the election campaign was the first major use of a television advertising campaign by The Greens, who used the slogan "it's like third party insurance". When we asked Bob Brown is that meant he'd give us a large cash payout if we were in an accident and it wasn't our fault, he said "err... yes" and then ran away. With the Aussie election campaign over, we now focus on the US campaign where the richest US entertainer, Oprah Winfrey has thrown her support behind Barack Obama, marking the first time a major US talk show host has endorsed candidate since Howard Stern's controversial support of Annabel Chong for President in 1998. Obama and Winfrey have been touring swing states, and in order to give him more of a common touch, Obama has flown into disaster zones so he can be photographed hugging white people. Not to be outdone, Hillary Clinton has hit the hustings with Danny Bonaduce! In TV news, newsreaders Stan Grant and Mary Kostakidis have both left SBS in controversial circumstances, leaving canine detective Inspector Rex as the only stable star still at the troubled network. The SBS World News with Inspector Rex premiers on Monday at 6:30pm. Meanwhile, Fill-in newsreader Anton Enus' stupidity of the week: the SBS newsreader reminded us that no one had come forward to claim responsibility for the suicide bombings in Afghanistan. Well they couldn't bloody well come forward could they, they were dead! Silly man. Rove McManus is in love again: with stripey shirts and smart casual jackets! Speaking of Rove, his company Roving Enterprises is facing legal action over flash-frame subliminal ads being inserted into the ARIA awards telecast. "It's not the subliminal nature of the ads we have a problem with, it's the content" said an ACMA spokesperson. "Saying blatant lies 'Rove is funny' and 'Belinda Emmett is a good singer', this is just unacceptable." A man has sculled a litre of Vodka at an airport check point in Germany, in protest over new carry-on restrictions. B. Yeltsin of Moscow then asked for more Vodka before doing a funny dance. In China, a mystery pig disease has lead to a shortage of their staple meat pork, so it is now cheaper to insure the life of a human there than it is a pig. So get ready for a series of new dishes in time for the Beijing Olymics: Sweat and Sour Farmer, Lighty Pan Friend Factory Worker Dumplings and HAM (it's spam made from humans). yum! And so, terrible reign of John Howard is over, but we've got an exclusive look at his to-do list now he's living in retirement:
Wow, Johnny we'll miss you. |