The big story of the past month - New Zealand police discovered the body of the mother of abanoned baby Pumpkin in a car outside their Auckland house. "It's an absolute trugedy," said the Kiwi Police. "It makes us suck". 3 year old Pumpkin, who was abandoned at Melbourne's Southern Cross Station, was only finally noticed by Connex staff after they tried to fine her for a fourth time for not having a valid ticket. The Military Junta government of Myanmar has been violently cracking down on peaceful protests, cutting off internet access, and leaving many journalists scrambling to find out where the hell Myanmar is. Oh you mean Burma, right. The Burmese monks have decided to radically escalate protests even more now, since they're being denied their democratic right to repeatedly watch the "Leave Britney Alone" guy on YouTube. The Australian government has offered limited assistance, including one free water canon and several kilometres of slightly used metal fencing. With the Australian Federal Election campaign unofficially underway, dirt slinging is becoming the new sport of choice for federal politicians, with the Liberals trying to leak allegations about one of their own ministers visiting gay bathhouses. With the economy, leadership and national security already passe after dominating the last two elections, it's good to see the political parties focussing on the real issues that matter to the Australian people. Possible slogans for campaign posters include: "Don't vote for Kevin Rudd, he pulled my hair", "Alexander Downer pees sitting down" and "John Howard once ate this own poo, I saw it Miss." With the environment one of the few notable election issues, Environment Minister Malcolm Turnbull has said any decision on the controversial Gunns pulp mill in Tasmania would be directed by the recommendations of Australia's chief scientist, who our research reveals is Billy Bob Barold, the grizzled old one-eyed Lumberjack. Go Billy! Most obvious Sydney Morning Herald headline of the week: "Killer linked to murders". Journalist Indra Adnan of The Guardian has come out rallying against social networking sights like MySpace and Facebook, saying they're actually reducing the quality of interpersonal relationships in our society, turning all friendships into a meaningless commodity. To which I reply, " HA HA! I have 100 more Facebook friends than your paltry 43, Indra Adnan of the Guardian! Take that, you loser!" I actually do. Google recently turned ten years old. Invitations to their exclusive tenth birthday came with a sidebar containing ads for birthday supply stores, balloon shops, Indian restaurants and discounted ebay dvds. The Federal Government has launched a new nationwide brochure titled "Talking with your kids about drugs", which has proven much less successful than a similar brochure put out by The Greens, titled "How to get Your Kids to Buy You Good Drugs", which was 423 pages long and written in a single sentence. A government spokesperson said: "It's great that it's distracting parents from talking to their kids about politics, which is to be avoided in this election year." Some New South Wales schools are trialling the use of swipe cards to combat absenteeism and truancy, with some students even having to use them to go on a toilet break. "It's great," remarked one Ryde Secondary College student, "now when we go on our toilet break, we have something to rack up our lines of coke with in the bathroom." Apple has crippled hacked I-Phones with a software patch disabling them. Disgruntled users can complain to Apple by calling 1800 4... oh that's right you can't. Sucked in. It was revealed this week that the Bundy Bear is a regular visitor to Parliament House, turning up at a free annual booze-up in The Great Hall hosted by the Liquor Lobby. "It's true the Bundy Bear comes every year," said one parliament house source, "but this is a democracy built on equality and accessibility, so we make sure the Gobbledok, Ronald McDonald, Mr Sheen and that Holler-for-a-Marshall cowboy are also in attendance. Last year the Gobbledok got really drunk on scotch and did a poo on Bill Heffernan, the cowboy tried to pash Julia Gillard, and in a case of mistaken identity, a passed out Mr Sheen was accidentally put in a cab and taken back to the Lodge." The Jukebox at the Judgement Bar on Oxford Street is being run by the Liberal Party i discovered last week, when it said i could "fast track" a song to the top of the queue by simply inserting more money. Look, I put up with people queue jumping immigration if they're millionaire businessmen, I even kept quiet with people queue jumping university admission ahead of me by paying extra, but when is it going to end?!?! Some rich wanker can fast track their Maroon 5 or Snow Patrol ahead of my You Can Call Me Al/Sultans of Swing double play just because they have an extra dollar, it means this society has gone to far. In the name of egalitarianism, this Friday I'm going to put $50 in that jukebox, fast track the same Aphex Twin track, put in on repeat 20 times and go down to the Gaslight and find my friends. Seriously, who hangs out the Judgie now anyways. Losers. OBITUARY ANNOUNCEMENT. I'm sorry to report during the past month, Quality Journalism in Australia passed away. It was 183 years old. It got a terrible fever and was rushed to the hospital on August 21 when the Sydney Morning Herald's most emailed article was "Dwarf's penis gets stuck to vacuum cleaner", an article about an Edinburgh Fringe Festival Performer. Quality Journalism was not in a good state, and finally on it's death bed on September 2nd, it drew its last breath as "Eastern Suburbs Cat high on Cocaine" became the most emailed article of the second day of spring. "It's a sad day for Australia, but thankfully there's still quality news stories about pedophiles, Natalie Imbruglia and Joey Johns over at News.com.au," said a hospital official. BANANA SPLIT - THE DELETED SCENES There has been widespread anger over Australian Prime Minister John Howard's calls that HIV-positive immigrants not be allowed to move to Australia. After realising how much this angered and upset the inner city cafe latte set, Howard extended the call to exclude any wanna be immigrants who had hepatitis, herpes, the chicken pox and/or girl germs. A Melbourne man is still critically ill from poisoning 12 weeks after eating some microwave nachos, according to The Age. "Well I was watching a DVD and packing some bongs and I just got the munchies," said Wilfred, 26, a dog from Melbourne's west. "Then i got these stomach pains and got crook in the guts." Australian man Victor Ollis overdrew his Westpac bank account to the tune of $11 million after he took advantage of a profitable computer error. He is currently seeking to be extradited from Ollisland, his own private island country that was formerly part of the Soloman Islands, which be bought for $8 million last year. "ha ha ha, come get me" he beamed. In all seriousness, this issue of The Banana Report is dedicated to the memory of Harry Dand-Ashli (1966-2007), a good friend who always went out of his way to say how lame and immature The Banana Report really was. Thanks Harry. Back