In the last month: colleagues have revealed that the Virginia Tech Gunman Seung-Hui Cho was obsessed with 90s alt-grungers Collective Soul and their overplayed monotonic derivitive hit "Shine". With US President George Bush steadfast in his refusal to limit gun ownership, and David Hicks safely back on Australian soil, it's time the activist public turned its attention to one sure fire of making sure this kind of violent public act never takes place again: by pressuring the government to lock up Collective Soul in Guantanemo Bay immediately. So protestors, replace your "Bring David Home" signs with "Ed Roland and CS for Gitmo NOW!". And make "Five years too long" now "Thirteen years too long! (we've been listening to that song"
The Howard Government has ammended WorkChoices, adding a "battlers" clause for workers on less than $75,000 per annum. Economists agreed with the changes: "Some of these households on $150,000 need job security - how else are they going to afford their BMW repayments, Grange cellaring and private child care".
The NSW opposition has called for the banning of sex offenders from internet chat sites, and "that Tom guy." Barry O'Farrell said: "Look, he's everywhere! Before I signed on he was there! Gives me the creeps!"
Under new electoral laws in Australia, everyone must now enrol earlier to vote: 1956 to be exact. "It's all part of VoteChoices," said Prime Minister John Howard, "where WE get to choose who doesn't vote in Australia, and the circumstances which they don't vote." With the spreading of democracy in the middle east and Afghanistan Howard said, "the people of Australia need to sacrifice some of their democracy at home, for the greater good of the world."
Environment Minister Malcolm Turnbull has announced a new secretary in charge of Carbon Counting. "Rain Man, he's a great counter. I saw him in Vegas!"
The lead singer of Right Said Fred was bashed when a gay pride turned violent in Moscow. "This is the worst reaction I've had since I opened for the Hooley Dooleys and was put in a two-week coma by a group of unforgiving homophobic four year-olds."
Lara Bingle has split with her longtime manager, reports Melbourne's Herald Sun, "so here's lots of photos of her in a bikini" it went on.
Woody Allen is planning to make a poorly performing movie with a hot young actress, the 105 year old director announced today, shocking many critics.
Guys with beards? When did that come back?
ENTERTAINMENT NEWS IN BRIEF...
<> Bob Dylan to hit town with his "Neverending Warble" Tour <> Local Uni Student Hopes Buying Nick Drake CD will improve his love life, asks guy at Sanity when he's coming to town next <> Sylvester Stallone to double dose to play extra-wrinkly Jabba The Hut in new Star Wars film <> Sonic Youth not so youthful anymore <> Jay Z to be investigated by Tax Office, now was "100 Problems" <> Dave Dobbyn now serving up "slices of heaven" at Auckland Pizza Haven <> George Bush demotes Springsteen to Vice-Boss.<> New Reality Show: Man Eating Steak.
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