|
Drinking water made from recycled sewage is looking to be on the cards for all of Australia, with Queensland leading the way. "Look, we've all had a XXXX," said NSW Premier Morris Iemma, "and that's made from RAW sewage." Media Personality Rove McManus has said he'll announce his future in television within the next 2 weeks. Here's my predicition: still not funny. Prince Charles has surprised many by travelling all the way to Philadelphia to pick up an environmental award. "Yeah, no one expected it, but as soon as we said 'Would you like to visit the City of Brotherly Love?', his Majesty jumped at the opportunity," said a royal aide. In a surprising move at this years Tamworth Country Music Festival, deceased African war mongering dictator Idi Amin won the coveted Golden Guitar. In a move that will undoubtedly be followed in Australian towns like Tamworth, a Quebec town has published a set of "norms" aimed at potential immigrants. Among the rules outlined according to The Globe and Mail: "it is unacceptable to burn a woman alive" and "women can drive a car, (and) dance".Ê One community leader went on Quebec talkback radio and declared: "Look these people come here, they don't learn the language, they keep burning women alive and not dancing. AND I'VE HAD ENOUGH!. If they don't stop their live woman burning and non-dancing, they can get ooot." After threats of being banned, Aussie flags were out in record numbers at this years' Big Day Out festival, leading many to say it was arguably the biggest display of flag's since Hitler's famous Nuremberg Rally. The official movie from the Beastie Boys cinematographer, Triumph of The Ill, will be out next year. You can't legislate corporate morality. That's the message from Prime Minister John Howard following a car parts company being forced by media and politicians into paying a dying man's redundancy payout. "What if we legislated personal morality," noted Howard, "and made state sanctioned torture and murder illegal? That's crazy talk Bwah bwah bwah bwa!" The Australian federal election campaign is hotting up for later in this year, between a virginal conservative Christian super-nerd, and well, that's our only choice really. Happy voting! Speaking of Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd, he's launched a new folksy American style television campaign complete with nationalistic imagery and a sweeping acoustic guitar soundtrack, not that dissimilar from the theme to Brokeback Mountain. They've even launched their election slogan: "Howard and Acoustic Guitars. Good Luck!" Not to be outdone, Howard is promising more of the same.
OPENING SHOT: HOWARD LEANING ON A COUNTRY FENCE POST
JohnÊ Howard: Hi, I'm John Howard. My opponent promises to make Australia smarter by boosting university funding, but having been PM for ten years has taught me a lot of things.
SHOTS: Sweeping aerials and landscapes, beaches, deserts, cafes.
John Howard: That's why if I'm re-elected I promise to keep terrorists away by boosting funding for guitar teachers. And that by 2010 no Australian child will be without an acoustic guitar. Also, I will also promote Tommy Emmanuel to Attorney General.
SHOT: GEORGE BUSH RIDES UP ON A HORSE BEHIND HIM AS THE THEME FROM 'BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN' PLAYS. YOU CAN GUESS THE REST.
Finally, Paris Hilton was recently issued with "the keys to Bondi" during her recent visit to Australia, which was ironic because half the men in Bondi already have keys to her place. |