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John Howard lookalike Kevin Rudd has become leader of the Australian opposition ousting political veteran Kim Beazley in a party room leadership ballot. The two insist they'll remain friends, with Kim promising to take Kevin out for a delicious sushi meal next time they're in London together. Kevin's first priority now he's opposition leader: get his dole bludging, guitar playing hippie son Xavier out of the spotlight. On flights to the US now, authorities rate passengers as a potential terrorist threat based on the seat they sit in and the meal they order, so when i came over i made sure i put down my meal choice as "Osama Bin Laden's Memorial Feast of The Infidels Blood!" Also, on my over the US Immigration office wanted to scan my retina, so i dropped my pants and bent over. The Superbowl has announced funk rocker Prince will play the next year's half time show. "After the Janet nipple slipply, we're looking to tone down the show," said a Superbowl organiser, "that's why it was an obvious choice to pick the man behind such family friendly fodder as Sexy Motherfucker, Soft and Wet and Gett Off." Bindi Irwin is about to tour America with fellow Aussie entertainers The Wiggles, where they'll duet on their new hit song "Wake Up, Dad!" Fiji has been renamed "Pigeonland" because it goes "coup coup coup" all the time."I'm still in full and complete of the country" said Fiji Prime Minister Laisenia Qarase from his aboard his own private space station 300km above the earth. British rocker Pete Doherty is hitting the runway to become a fashion model for his own new clothing line: Toothless Junkie (TM) features a new line of blood spattered long sleeved jumpers (perfect for summer) and tracksuit pants in three tones of black. Having conquered Australia recently with their activist stances and melodic 80s rock, U2 are set to embark on a peace and goodwill tour of the middle east. "Rattle and Humous" will kick off in Israel before heading to Lebanon, Iran and Iraq. More and more singles are spurning bars and pubs and using social networking site MySpace to meet up with potential dates. "It's great!. Now I don't have to leave my house to be bored by inane pickups lines and stupid loud music," said one single. The ABC has axed topical comedy show The Glasshouse due to funding issues according to a latest rumour. Currently unable to afford five guys sitting at a desk, get ready next season for yet another cheap and cheerful quiz show. "PIE OR NO PIE" will have three contestants who could or could not win a tasty pie, it will be shot in a back alley on CompactVHS and aired totally unedited. Also speaking of the ABC, a new special My Favourite Album, last week showed how diverse and eclectic Australias musical tastes are. We love fat old white men (Meatloaf, Pink Floyd), dead white men (Jeff Buckley, Nirvana, The Beatles), and other old white men for good measure (U2, Red Hot Chili Peppers). "The list was diverse," said Prime Minister John Howard, "but it could have had some more white men on it for my liking". |