In the news in the past, umm, five months or so: Shock Horror! Crocodile Hunter killed by giant marine animal! Who'd have thought it?! In honor of Steve Irwin, Prime Minister John Howard has declared all Australians should lower their accents to half mast tomorrow. John Howard recently referred to petrol prices as "the biggest challenge" his government has faced, and in repsonse announced a $2000 subsidy for people willing to convert their cars to run on LPG. Similarly, The Greens have called for a subsidy on those whipped cream gas bulbs you get from convenience stores. Fourteen British soldiers were killed in Afghanistan last week when their spy plane crashed. Australian Defense Minister Brendan Nelson offered his condolences: "They were cleaning it when it when it went off" he said. Australian Democrats Founder Don Chipp died last week. It's been announced there'll be a state funeral, and in a nod to the Democrats legacy, all attendees will have to "Chipp" in the 10 percent GST on the casket. The Australian Government is looking to sell Medibank Private, creating the first Australian Private Health Insurer to be listed on the stock exchange. "This will do great wonders for the health and general well being - of my retirement!" said Finance Minister Nick Minchin.Ê "Over time it will lead to downward pressure on prices," said Treasurer Peter Costello, "just look at the price of Telstra shares!" In world news, it's been revealed by Canadian researchers that the Chinese government is killing off and harvesting the organs of its Falun Gong dissidents. John Howard and George Bush denied they're Falun Gong supporters, despite the fact they've both obviously had their heart and brain removed respectively. In China, Shanghai schools have adopted new history textbooks in which socialism is hardly mentioned and Mao is only mentioned once. "A Balanced and Complete History of China" features indepth of analysis of how MySpace revolutionised the internet, how the arrival of Bart Simpson signalled the modernisation of China and how Rupert Murdoch once wrestled dangerous crocodiles and rescued a submarine of orphans with his bare hands! Just before the current Israel/Lebanon ceasefire, Israel insisted it has worldwide permission for its attacks after a 15 nation peace conference in Rome failed to deliver an immediate call for a ceasefire. In a related story, eating babies in Australia is now allowed after the Azaria Chamberlain case failed to deliver a definite verdict on who was guilty, likewise Michael Jackson is opening up a childcare centre. The much hyped Snakes On a Plane opened in cinemas last month, leading Hollywood executives to start looking to other internet hype phenomena as a potential source of revenue. So get ready next summer for Matt Damon in the card counting underworld thriller "World's Largest Casino", Hotel Rwanda star Don Cheadle is looking for Oscar gold again in "Nigerian Money Launderer"Êand Samuel Jackson will star in the YTMND-inspired revenge crime thriller "Nigga Stole My Bike". Mel Gibson this week apologised for a his recent atrocious behaviour that was reviled by all. "I'm so sorry about starring in Bird on a Wire with Goldie Hawn. Please forgive me - what was I thinking?!" AND SOME BONUS JOKES NSW Premier Morris Iemma has declared that within 5 years, all petrol sold in New South Wales must be made up on 10 percent ethanol. There have been widespread protests at the decision, with all uni students in the state going on strike and demanding ten percent more ethanol in all beer as well. Violent incidences continue in the Middle East, with Israel launching a full military assault on Lebanon after Hezbollah kidnapped some Israeli soldiers. In a related story, John Howard has finally given the go ahead for Aussie military forces to invade America and bomb suburban Los Angeles over the kidnap of David Hicks four years ago.Ê In China, Shanghai schools have adopted new history textbooks in which socialism is hardly mentioned and Mao is only mentioned once. A Balanced and Complete History of China features indepth of analysis of how MySpace is the real "social" revolution, how the arrival of Bart Simpson signalled the current modernisation of China and how Rupert Murdoch once wrestled dangerous crocodiles and rescued a submarine of orphans with his bare hands! Back