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As I write this, two Tasmanian gold miners remain trapped almost 1km underground. By feeding a mircophone through a pipe, communication with Todd Russell and Brant Webb has been restored after five days. When asked what its like to spend five days stuck in a hole, one of them replied:
"This is nothing. I once spent two weeks in Nowra!" When asked what they look forward to most, one replied: "Being as bigger celebrity as that Stuart Diver!" Australia is set to have a new ID card called the "NOT NATIONAL IDENTITY CARD", the card will store information about your identity for trustworthy government agencies like Centrelink and Medicare to ignore so they can mispay you anyway. The government has fobbed off opposition claims that the card could lead to invasions of privacy, despite the fact the microchip in the card will carry information such as if you occasionally pee sitting down, what the last porn movie was you watched and a detailed essay on how you lost your virginity. While we were on hiatus, Cyclone Larry hit Northern Queensland wiping out masses of Australia's Banana crop, leading to many dumb speculative financial analysts checking out our website for investment advice. With global warming continuing, expect bigger and better cyclones in coming months with more names culled from 80s sitcoms. Among them: Cyclone Cousin Balki and Cyclone Urkel. Youth reading rates are down in the wake of the death of Harry Potter-mania, while hip-hop, spearheaded by hip innovative groups like the Black Eyed Peas becomes the number music choice for kids of all ages. One Australian expert suggest educators can get kids interested in the timeless literary cannon of perrenial favourite Roald Dahl by passing over his novels to hip-hoppers instead of bipolar remakers named Burton. Among the "pimped up" Dahl classics we could expect: Henry Sugar Daddy, James and the Giant Peach-Shaped Booty, The Notorious BFG and Charlie and the Big Brown Chocolatey Hoes. George Bush sent in a lookalike clone of himself to a reporters dinner. Unfortunately, attempts by Bush to engineer an "Evil clone" failed when it was realised no one could actually be more evil. Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards suffered a concussion after falling from a coconut tree in Fiji, and was airlifted to an Auckland Hospital. "Mr Rucherds was pretty suck," said his doctor, "but we funally wus reluved wen hee woke up and sterted speakin gubberish ageein, Cuzzie bro." The Allman Brothers Band are suing Sony Records over digital download royalties. "Right now we only get 4.5 cents per 30 minute drum solo, which isn't even enough to pay for all our beard grooming products," said Greg Allman. The new series of Big Brother has started and Channel 10 has run so low on new ideas to rejuvinate the series that this year's intruder will be former German Chancellor Lutz Schwerin von Krosigk, and with dwindling sponsors get ready for awkward disingenuis pieces of cross-promotion involving Alfalfa Sprouts and Soy milk. The new September 11 film United 93 debuted at Number 2 in the US Box Office on the weekend, behind the Robin Williams family comedy RV, which means in middle America, in the choice between seeing a patriotic reconstuction of the single most politically important event so far this century - or the option of seeing Mork from Ork get covered in poo, the latter will always win out. |