New Zealand Once Were Warriors and James Bond director Lee Tamahori was arrested this month after trying to pimp himself in drag to an undercover cop. Get ready for his tell all biography in five years: "Once Was a Director".

West Australian Premier Geoff Gallop has retired, citing clinical depression. "The thought of going to work every day, while I could be at home watching Ready, Steady, Cook on a fat parliamentary pension, was making life unbearable" he told reporters.

A Danish political cartoon poking fun at Islam prophet Mohammed has sparked violent protests worldwide, including some setting the Danish consulate on fire in Beirut. "We haven't had such a full on reaction like this to a comic since we revealed Odie and Garfield were running an underground pedophile ring involving Pookie," said the cartoons publisher.

The other big news of the past two months: Race riots swept Australian beaches, proving we still are 13 years behind America.

Islamic militant organisation Hamas has swept the Palastinian Legislation elections. Unimpressed US President George W Bush told reporters: "We will aim to crush democracy whenever it raises its ugly head like this."

The Australian Wheat Board has been caught funding former dictator Saddam Hussein's regime through a series of kickbacks paid under the oil for food program, with alleged government knowledge. In response to these allegations, John Howard insisted he had "no knowledge of what wheat was exactly", while enjoying a tasty vegemite sandwich provided by the AWB. Under new sedition laws, John Howard and Alexander Downer could now possibly arrest themselves for funding the enemy.

Also on the seditious and nutritious front, promoting euthenasia over the internet is illegal in Australia, yet the Australian democrats still have a website!

The Oscar nominations have been announced, and just like Hollywood they're 40% gay, 20% Jewish, 20% racist and 20% George Clooney.

Also in Australia, the Australian government has puts its endorsement behind scientific cloning, but only so long as that cloning is the "therapeutic cloning" of stem cells. I don't know about you, but I'd find it pretty "therapeutic" having my own clone of Chloe Sevigny.

American troops have arrested an Iraqi journalist and documentary maker working for Britain's Guardian Newspaper, confiscating his videotapes. "Look war is war," the reporter said, "but I want my Weekend At Bernies back!"

An Australian prisoner, Robert Cole, escaped from jail by going on a crash diet shedding 14 kilos before squeezing out of through his window. Enthralled by his amazing weight loss, Australian women's mags are encouraging their readers to knife people so they too can go to jail and loose lots of weight. Cue advertorial: "Malicious assault and theft led me to my dream weight, now you can do it to, just purchase my simple Cole-Knife, and slash the face off of your local 7-11 employee for instant diet results!"

In other news, despite having 16 years of formal education, I have no idea of how to load one of those old fashioned slot loading staplers. Education failed me!

In sports news, Lleyton Hewitt is still a goose.

Meanwhile in the cricket, Shane Warne is also still a goose.

And now, a Banana Report bonus feature. John Howard looks like he's sticking around for this year at least, and we exclusively managed to get his private list of new years resolutions from his private secretary. They are:

1. Abolish Christmas (whoops, already done this with IR legislation)
2. Ban the Labor Party (already wiped its funding base, so why not go that one inch further)
3. Turn cats on dogs, then say it has nothing to do with "Animal Violence"
4. Have Bob Brown Arrested on sodomy charges (make being gay illegal first)
5. Launch widespread censorship of the internet (whoops, already done this too. see above).
6. Finally get through to Hot Dogs on his wonderful late night quiz programme.
7. Abolish cross media ownership laws, so his good friend Uncle Rupert can fill every newspaper in Australia with sorely lacking "How weak is Labor?/Multiculturalism just doesn't work" editorials
8. Introduce "Tax Choices" program, whereby he spends $40 million advertising us "greater choices in tax reform" (ie a 15% GST)
9. Shut down my "horn-e slut" myspace account before people find out.
10. Have Barnaby Joyce go "missing" along some outback road.
11. Take Janette out for an exotic foreign meal for Valentines day, like one of those new soduku restaurants.