Banana Report #8: May 1999.

In Kosovo, Captured Australian charity workers, Steve Pratt and Peter Wallace were not released despite the diplomatic work of former Australian Prime Minister, Malcolm Fraser. Mr. Fraser travelled to Belgrade and met with the two captured aid workers before somehow losing his pants in a hotel foyer... again. His pants had no comment, although the Honourable Mr. Fraser later claimed they had also been captured by the Yugoslav military.

Although Star Wars: Episode One is not due to open for another two weeks, there is already a long queue outside several American cinemas. Alan Pseudoman, a nineteen year old student at the head of the New York queue was quoted as saying "I can't wait to see Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman get jiggy with it". The second guy in line has eaten so many Cheeseburgers that his nickname is "Death-Star Butt"(though the editors believe "Jabba the Butt" would be much more appropriate).

NATO celebrated its 50th Anniversary last month. The nineteen members gathered in Washington to get drunk and randomly select Serb targets to blow up. They eventually unanimously agreed on "Anything that moves and everything that does not move".

Male supermodel Fabio was hit in the head by a flying goose on the maiden voyage of an American rollercoaster. Unfortunately, the wrong goose was killed in the incident as Fabio was relatively uninjured.

The number one movie of the last month was the sci-fi action movie "The Matrix", starring Keanu "Ted from Bill and Ted" Reeves. It is about a computer system which has complete control over people's lives. With ever increasing bank branch closures in Australia, the ATM will soon serve this function, as all humans will be reliant on it for money.

Hercules actor, Kevin Sorbo is currently unemployed after shooting the final episode of his "Legendary Journeys" series. The actor, based in New Zealand, has looked across the Tasman to Australia for work, where he has supposedly been offered a place on "The Footy Show". A spokesperson for Channel Nine confirmed this, saying it was offered on the condition "that he can lower his IQ eighty points and never have a blood alcohol level below point four". Sorbo was unavailble for comment.

In Littleton, Colorado another school shooting occurred. The Trenchcoat Mafia, the student hate organisation responsible for the killings had a web site which included sections on "How to Build a Bomb", "Killing Classmates for Fun and Profit", "Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus. Who cares! Let's go put bombs in the cafeteria" and "Trenchcoat Button Repair Tips for Members".

If you believe the previous joke is in poor taste, please visit the web site www.amazon.com and click on the "I have too much spare time" button.

In reaction to the Colorado shooting, Charleton Heston, President of the National Rifle association said "Guns is Gooda".

CIA Headquarters has been renamed "The George Bush Center for Intelligence". In a related story George Bush's house has been renamed "The George Bush Center for everything except intelligence because it's over at the CIA".