By Dylan Behan
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In the past-month or so: Anti-terrorism raids across Sydney and Melbourne resulted in the shooting of a Home and Away actor, 28-year-old Omah Baladjam. "We won't rest until every soapie actor in Australia has been shot," said Robert Jeffreys, head of the Australian Government's new anti-soapie task force. Police are on 'shoot to kill' orders to track down both Melissa from E-Street and Toadfish from Neighbours, with localå mastermind believed to be a Kate Ritchie of Summer Bay, NSW. Anyone who sees them should contact police immediately. "We believe a strike against the Australian people may be imminent," said the Prime Minister on the raids, "Our surveillance indicates both a Paradise Beach and a Chances reunion were being planned for around Christmas time, the toll on Australian lives would have been immeasurable! According to Nationals leader Mark Vaille, extensive consultations with employers and employees in Queensland show "solid support" for the upcoming Work "Choices" Industrial Relations laws. "I asked my employees and they said they love it. I mean, they'd better or they're getting the sack!" he said. Australian artists and performers are upset that the government sedition laws don't allow exemptions for them criticising the government. It's also going to affect their livelihoods with the following touring stage shows announcing cancellations: "The Wiggles declare Jihad", The Australian Air Forces Marching Band plays the songs of Michael Franti, Joe Dolce's "Shaddapya Face John Howard" and Pokemon criticises the government - on ice!"
The next Mariah Carey album, despite insighting violence in many listeners, will still be released as planned.
Australian model Michelle Leslie has been released from Jail in Bali on drugs possession charges. Amazingly, her first stop was Singapore: where she's been hired as a special consultant fellow Aussie covicted drug-man and death row inmate Nguyen Tuong Van. Her advice: "Become a Muslim, show off your awesome body and pretend it was just anti-hysteria medication you were strapping to your body" Births in Australia are at a ten year high, with the women aged 30-39 leading the baby boom. In an attempt to lure younger parents, expect the next round of government Baby Bonuses to come with an I-Pod Nano. Q: What does Mork from Ork want for Christmas? A bomb has exploded outside a KFC in Pakistan, leaving 3 people dead and police baffled as to what the thousands of small singed meat-like globs were. After a curse lasting 32 years, Australia's Socceroos have finally scored a place in the Soccer World Cup, defeating Uruguay for a place in the 2006 Germany tournament. "It's so good not to get thrashed by England at something" one fan said. Another man on the street said: "Honk honk honk beep honk honk beep." Pundits predict a sudden death play off against Guam for the wooden spoon on the night. Troops in Iraq have stumbled upon a secret torture center. That's right, Baghdad already had its own call center constructed! Amanda Vanstone has come out claiming that Airport security was a "mockery" designed to "make the public feel better". This marks the closest thing Ms Vanstone has said to the truth since 1995. Hundred of thousands of copy-protected Sony Music CDs have been recalled after it was revealed they contained potentially virus-inducing software on them. "That and crap music!" said a spokesman before skulling a beer. Finally, a hot new documentary series is on the way about Canberra's legendary key swapping parties. Pimp My Bride will be on Channel Ten this summer. |