Prime Minister John Howard met with US President George Bush and decided to continue the war on terror indefinitely. "It's going so well, it would be a shame to stop now," said Howard. When asked by media if he fears about a bomb going of on an American train, Bush said "Of course not, everyone knows I don't use public transportation." Australia has slid down the world ranking in soccer again. We're now at -345, behind the Pitcairn Islands and the Tibetan Government in Exile. Made up word of the day: Bollmjhvjg (pronounced: Boll-majh-vaj-ng-ng-didi-pronouncethatrite). Noun: A mishapen hat native to Walgett. Also a verb, meaning to watch too many French films in one sitting. London has won the 2012 Olympics. Upon hearing the news, Sydney 2000 Olympic bid star Tania Blanco passed Nikki Webster the bong. "After the Millennium Dome, we just couldn't quench our additiction to building WHITE ELEPHANTS!!" said one London source. Also in London, the Live8 concerts were kicked off by Sir Bob Geldof. "20 years ago on this stage, this person was a gaunt wanna-be pop star, now she's a has-been talentless mum," Geldof said pointing at Madonna. "See, you can make a difference." Spread across 10 cities and watched around the world by a guesstimated audience of 300 billion people, the organisers to spread a message of ending world poverty and starvation. "Come on, we really need to buy Bob Geldof a non-ratty shirt and forcefeed Michael Stipe some protein. You can make a difference!" pleaded UN Secretary Kofi Annan. The biggest ovation at Live8 went to Nelson Mandela, because unlike most other Africans, he is still alive. Singer/songwriter Jack Johnson is going to buy INTEL, according to sources. "This laid back surfer image was all part of my scheme to own EVERY COMPUTER IN THE WORLD AND KILL THE HUMANS" said Mr Johnson, who now has yellow lasers for eyes. Starbucks is getting into the CD selling business (a real growth industry supposedly!) with a new Bob Dylan CD release of a live concert. He's had to censor his lyrics slightly, so expect this: Johnny's in the Starbucks pickin up a double latte i'm on the pavement thinkin bout their yummy bagels the man in the apron name badge, good wages says he's got my double latte want to get it paid off here you go kid it's eleven dollar bills for a pound of fair trade now i got caffienated Also coming is a new acoustic remake 10th anniversary edition of Alanis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill with such reworked words as "You Outta Know (I Have TWO sugars)", "I asked for decaf but got caf and couldn't sleep and then needed more coffee the next day (Isn't it Ironic, don't ya think?)" and "(Someone spilt a latter and I slipped) Head Over Feet (and now I'm suing)." Top 5 ways to conserve water according to a new Federal Government handout. 1. Drink Petrol. 2. Do a poo in a bucket and empty the bucket off your balcony onto someone you don't like. 3. Wash your car with explosives. 4. Coffee tastes great made with 50% poop water. 5. Make more clouds and do dancing. Blogs are finally going to be beamed into space via satellite, according to the Sydney Morning Herald. "Finally the aliens will appreciate my Harry Potter versus Quantum Leap fan fiction," said one blogger on his site. "I wonder how they'll react to subplot about Al the Hologram accidentally using Gushie to cast lust spells on Hermoine. Perhaps only THEY will recognize me for the tru Leaper/Potter hybrid genius I am." Finally, in real news, a man bit another strangers nose off outside a cinema in outback New South Wales following a heated argument over the movie Sin City last week. "Now I nose better than him" said the man. back